Top Ten Signs You Are Obsessed With Breaking Bad

Unless you are living under a rock, you are aware that Breaking Bad will soon be coming to an end.  I am rather fond of the show, but others take their fondness to a whole new level.  This handy dandy guide will clue you in as to whether you are a casual follower of the show or out of your mind obsessed.

10) You have received several notices from your bank regarding checks returned because you sign your name using chemical symbols.

9) You find yourself within the city limits of Albuquerque, New Mexico for reasons other than being relocated by the witness protection program.

8) Even though you know you have no earthly reason to do so, you can't shake a nagging feeling that

you better call Saul.

7) Yes, he's a fictional character, but you know that every time Jesse says "bitch" he's talking to you.

6) Hours and hours each week pouring over Auto Trader in search of an old Winnebago or a Pontiac Aztek.

5) You turn away door to door solicitors by ominously informing them that YOU are the one that knocks.

4) You're finding more and more reasons to "accidentally" run into your high school chemistry teacher.

3) You quit your job to become a travel agent specializing in trips to Belize.

2) You actually shut up for ten seconds about how great The Wire was.

1) Because of the show, you find yourself neglecting your usual hobby of doing loads of meth.

If any of these warning signs apply to you, my advice would be to tread lightly. Either that or switch to a more harmless show like Hot In Cleveland.  I wanted to give a quick shout out to Creepy Todd.  I really wanted to figure out a way to include you in this list, but I couldn't think of a good way to do it.  Please don't send your uncle after me. 

No Helen, I Did NOT watch Downton Abbey Last Night

I've never seen an episode of Downton Abbey.  I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.

When it seems like the whole world is head over heels about something, it's a pretty good indicator that I am going to hate it.  It's not because I'm unique. I'm definitely not a trend setter. The main reason is that I'm kind of an asshole.  I avoid all activities that will ensure "water cooler talk" the next day. So when Helen from accounts payable (yeah the same Helen from the title) asks me if I watched Downton Abbey last night, the excruciating conversation that could possibly follow is averted with a simple "no".

Downton Abbey is actually a special case of this because my lack of viewership is not just because of my social awkwardness.  If you tell me to give it a chance and I do, I have a hunch that I will hate it...and then I will hate you.  Here are a few of my reasons why.

From what I've gathered in all of the non-stop blabbering about the show it seems like people are watching it ironically.  Doing anything ironically is an idiotic activity.  I barely have enough time to watch TV shows that I actually like.  Who are these douchebags that have so much spare time that they can watch boring crap just to make fun of it?

Now many of you will tell me that you actually like the show.  This makes me very suspicious.  I get the feeling that many people watch the show because they are afraid to be one of the people who don't watch the show (see also Mad Men and The Walking Dead).  Watching a show out of fear of not being one of the "cool kids" is probably just about the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Another reason I am dubious of big fans of the show is because it is British.  I am American and my experience with things from across the pond is that they are an acquired taste.  The biggest Monty Python fans admittedly hate a vast majority of their stuff.  And if you site Austin Powers as an example, I will slap you.  I have a little test you can take to determine if you really enjoy British entertainment or are just a pathetic follower trying to be cool.  Answers these three questions:

1) Do you like British entertainment?
2) Really?
3) Looks at you over the top of my glasses Really?

If you answered no to any of these questions you don't actually enjoy all things British.

My biggest reason for never watching the show is this lady.  I don't know what her character's name is.  I'm sure it's something like Dame Victoria Penderwash or Madam Eugenia Rigglesmith.  It really doesn't matter because all I ever hear about it how she's sooooo funny.  Her dry wit is so hilarious.  Dry wit is like a dry steak or a dry punch to the throat...not good.  I've even heard people talk about how sexy she is.  And they are right on the money.

So watch your Downton Abbey and "enjoy" it, just leave me out of it.  I have better things to do like avoiding direct eye contact and rehearsing my awkward urinal banter.

Twitter: A Look Back

Tonight we are here to honor a very special and distinguished guest.  Ladies and gentleman I present to you my often neglected Twitter account.  Like most of the other social media, I have grown bored of "tweeting".  There are many reasons for this, but I think it's mostly because it's called "tweeting".  Tonight I'd like to take a look back at the Twitter account that most of you didn't even know existed (and probably for good reason) by sharing some of my favorite "tweets" with you. 

 Is it me or does Tango and Cash get better everytime you watch it?

 Someday there will be world peace. Until then, we'll have to settle for tacos.

Is there anyone out there who would be even a little surprised if we found out Nicki Minaj was made entirely of cake frosting?

I don't usually do this but you should follow @Metamucil that dude is hilarious.

My dental hygienist was concerned that my gums were bleeding. You just poked it with sharp metal, that just means I'm not a robot.

I love cats, my favorite color is brown, and I never learned to count. #20ThingsAboutMe

I just watched The Avengers and SPOILER ALERT, the milk in the back of your fridge just expired.

At this point I'd like to interject that I said these were my favorite "tweets".  I never made any promises about them being funny or interesting.  Now back to the "tweets" (ugh).

I'm thinking of opening a second Twitter account just for all of my tweets about ham.

Hey Jessie J, I don't like the Katy Perry I have now. What makes you think I want another one?

They say the greatest gift you can give is the sound of a child's laughter. Cash is also a good gift.

If I ever win the lottery I'm going to have Jason Statham on call to roundhouse people that cross me.

Pizza rolls, if you really think the words "family size" are going to stop me from eating a whole bag of you, you don't know me at all.

If I had a show on The Food Network I'd just crack open pistachios for 30 minutes straight.

I think I'm going to eat all the Easter candy I bought for my kids and next week just tell them the Easter bunny is an asshole.

Did I mention that THE Scott Grimes is following me on Twitter?

The Leprechaun marathon on SyFy makes sense for St. Patty's. The Die Hard marathon on AMC not so much.

I wish Snooki would stop jerking us around and announce that she's running for president.

I really hope the FCC does us all a solid at the SuperBowl halftime show and uses those black censor bars on Madonna's gross arms.

I sleep better at night knowing that somewhere out there, Danny Glover is watching over us.

The best part of my weekend is the fact that I rarely bump into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Sometimes I daydream about being a NASCAR driver. Then I come back to earth when I remember my SAT scores were nowhere near high enough.

You know who really grinds my gears? People who do dumb stuff for Klondike Bars. They sell them in every store geniuses!

That probably isn't all of my favorite "tweets", but I really don't feel like looking at Twitter anymore right now.  Maybe if more than 6 people read this blog I will dig up some more.  Until then, I think this leaves you with a pretty clear picture at how ridiculous my sense of humor is.