School's Out For Summer Countdown Spectacular

Well here we are at the end of another school year.  It's that wonderful time of year when Alice Cooper can enjoy some sweet, albeit brief, relevance.  In honor of school's end, I am counting down the top 10 movie teachers of all time.  So sit back and don't take notes because this will not be on the final exam.

10 - The teacher/stripper from Varsity Blues - Most of you think you know why this teacher made my list, but you're wrong.  Maybe a teacher/stripper was a fantasy for some of you, but the female teachers at my school had an average age of 73 (so yeah, it was a fantasy for me too).  They say the true judge of character is the company you keep and her co-stars were James Van Der Beek and Scott Caan, so...yeah.

9 - Professor Jennings from Animal House - This pot smoking college professor who had inappropriate relationships with students was portrayed by Donald Sutherland.  It shouldn't even be necessary to go on, but I will for those a little slower on the uptake.  Donald Sutherland played Ronald in the movie Backdraft so everything else that he does is by default - awesome.

8 - Mrs. Tingle from Teaching Mrs. Tingle - Helen Mirren tied to a chair in her bedroom wasn't the most traditional of classroom settings, but she was still able to teach valuable lessons, in life.  I actually think kidnapping a teacher would be a more realistic fantasy than the teacher/stripper one from above.  It would be a logistical nightmare though because what would you feed a teacher?  I have no idea what they eat. 

7 - Mr. Escalante from Stand and Deliver - It's like the old saying goes:  Give Lou Diamond Phillips a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach Lou Diamond Phillips to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. 

6 - Mr. Kotter from Welcome Back, Kotter -  Mr. Kotter and Mr. Escalante faced similar challenges but the advantage goes to Mr. Kotter.  The Sweathogs were a much rougher crew than any inner city gang from Los Angeles.  You disagree?  Ok, let Vinnie Barbarino tell you, "Up your nose with a rubber hose" and then you look me in the eye and tell me that's better than getting slashed across the back with a box cutter.  Yeah, that's what I thought.

5 - Yoda from every Star Wars movie - This may stretch the limits a little, but technically he was a teacher.  He taught Jedi for hundreds of years so he was definitely tenured.  Also, I really like to strengthen all of my lists by having Yoda on them.

4 - The teacher from Van Halen's Hot for Teacher video - That lady had to be in the same room as David Lee Roth for an extended period of time.  Don't you think she deserves a little something for that?

3 - Mr. Shoop from Summer School - Mark Harmon wore a Hawaiian shirt and there was a dog named WonderMutt that wore sunglasses.  Pretty much everything about Mr. Shoop was awesome.

2 - Mr. Strickland from the Back to the Future movies - Let's get this out of the way before I get bombarded with hate emails.  I know he was a principal and not a teacher, but he was associated with a institution of learning and that qualifies him in my book.  I really liked his no-nonsense style and that he called people slackers.  I feel that slacker is a very underrated put down. 

1 - Any teacher from any movie or television show that wasn't Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society - Mr. Keating from Dead Poet's Society was ok at first, but became exhausting.  So the number one spot on the list goes to pretty much everyone else.

So there is the list, I hope you liked it.  Enjoy your summer vacations.  Even though for adults, summer vacation just means going to work like every other day except it's hot.

My Heroes

Everybody needs a role model.  In every person's life people come along that influence us and shape the way we live our lives.  Today I would like to share some of my heroes with you.  Some of them are real and some are fictional characters.  Ok, most of them are fictional characters which explains a lot.

This first person on my list of heroes is Turbo from the movie Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.  Turbo was brilliantly portrayed by Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers.  Turbo had a great sense of style and some seriously sweet moves.  One only needs to see the scene with Turbo and the broom to understand why he is my hero.

Next up on the list is Drunk Kanye West.  Because of his music, Kanye would almost make my list on his own.  His true greatness comes out when he collaborates with Hennessy at awards shows and disaster relief telethons.  Drunk Kanye has no mouth filter and speaks his mind.  I don't agree with everything Drunk Kanye has to say, but it is always way more interesting than anything Sober Kanye says.

Yoda.  Do I really need to explain this one?  I didn't think so.

No list of heroes would be complete without Ninja Death Squads From 80's Action Movies.  This isn't one person, but an unsung group that deserves some recognition.  The Ninja Death Squad is a group that ridiculously outnumbers their intended target but loses anyways.  The are highly trained, but whoever they fight seems to be more highly trained.  What I love about this group is their can-do attitude.  They know that Charles Bronson or whoever if going to beat them, but they do it anyways.

Speaking of Charles Bronson, next on my list is another group of heroic people.  These are the Not Believable For A Second Action Stars.  This collection of (mostly geriatric) people include: Charles Bronson, Edward "The Equalizer" Woodward, Entrapment-Era Sean Connery, and my favorite, Pat Morita.  You would expect these guys to hand out Werther's Originals, but instead they handed out ass-whippings.  You have to respect that (and their stuntmen).

I feel like I should put at least one real person on this list so I will go with Scott Grimes.  I really don't even know where to start with the awesomeness that is Scott Grimes.  He overcame the nearly insurmountable odds of being ginger and managed to carve himself quite an impressive niche in Hollywood.  He was the star of Critters 2 and Mystery, Alaska, two of the greatest films of all time.  Somewhere in his busy acting schedule he has time to do voicework on Seth MacFarlane's 4th most popular show, American Dad!.  Also he follows me on Twitter, the sign of a true champion.

This list is by no means complete.  There are many other people (real and fake) that I look up to.  Maybe this tribute will inspire you to add some of mine to your list.  Probably not, but maybe. 

An Open Letter To Paranormal Activity 3

Dear Paranormal Activity 3,

I'd like to start off by saying that I really enjoyed the 1st two installments of your franchise.  Paranormal Activity was delightfully chilling and a nice change of pace from the other horror movies at the time (we both know I'm talking about Saw's 3 through 17).  I had my doubts about Paranormal Activity 2, but I watched it and for the most part, my doubts were laid to rest.

Those things being said, you probably noticed my absence during your theatrical run.  I'll come clean and admit that yes, I was avoiding you intentionally.  It's hard to determine whether or not you would have still lost out to Puss in Boots at the box office had I come to support you.  Regardless of my feelings about you, nobody deserves that.  You're probably wondering why it has taken me this long to write to you.  With your DVD release coming soon, there were some things that you needed to know.

I understand that you are angry with me, but please give me a chance to explain.  It's not you, it's me.  I'm sure you are a very adequate film, I've read reviews that said so.  The thing that you have to understand is that I've been hurt in the past by horror franchise sequels.  Even though a lot of time has past, the pain I feel because of Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 is still with me.  I'm not quite sure any amount of time can heal that hurt.  I mentioned the Saw films earlier.  Every year I met a new one, and I was more disappointed each time.

I think I can trace this cycle of hurt back to three of my first loves: Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street.  I loved these movies very much and was repaid with the betrayal of the ridiculous and seemingly endless parade of sequels.  When I watched Freddy vs. Jason, I died a little on the inside.  Then there were the remakes.  I just don't know if I will ever be able to forgive the remakes.  They cut me very deep and that wound will probably never heal.

After reading this letter, you may or may not still be mad at me.  I'm ok with it if you are still mad.  I just wanted a chance to explain myself.  Maybe there is a chance that when you do come out of DVD I will be able to watch you.  But because of my trust issues with horror film sequels, you'll understand if I use a free Redbox rental to do it.  Maybe one day I will resolve my issues and I'll buy you as part of a Blu-Ray box set.  Until that day, I think it's best for both of us if we each just go our separate ways.

Warmest Regards,
Jason

P.S.  They announced Paranormal Activity 4.  Do the right thing.  If not for me, do it for yourself.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Masters Of The Universe

Boys and girls, today we will be talking about the 1987 film, "Masters of the Universe".  This was the live action movie version of the cartoon, "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe".  If you happened to be a 10 year old boy in 1987 (which I was) this was the must see movie of the year.  The "Academy" decided that "The Last Emperor" was the best film of 1987, but we've rarely been on the same page when it comes to movies.

In this film, He-Man and some of his friends have to travel across the universe to Earth.  There they have to battle evil foes and local law enforcement.  As an added challenge they must also stay clear of the razor sharp chin of a then 37 year old Courtney Cox.  All of your favorites made an appearance in the film.  There was "Gwildor", "Saurod", "Blade", "Karg", and "Carl the Janitor".  I remember that they introduced so many new characters there was a special line of action figures just for the movie.  Buying new toys and spending $3.50 for a movie ticket (a hefty sum back in those days) ensured that every cent of a kids allowance was spent on He-Man related items.

The best part of this movie was casting Dolph Lundgen as "He-Man".  Dolph is a tall, blonde, muscular dude.  It seemed like he was genetically engineered just to play this role.  I bet it's the same laboratory they used to create Katherine Heigl with the one purpose of making horrible movies.  Lundgren was perfect in his portrayal.  He was handy enough with a sword and luckily the dialogue didn't require any heavy lifting.  The one change the movie made to "He-Man" was changing his hairstyle.  In the cartoon he sported a "Dorothy Hamill".  For the movie they updated his do to a more contemporary "feathered mullet".

The movie would not have been complete without "Skeletor".  Frank Langella went pretty big in his portrayal of the villain.  They went low-tech for his costume, which confused me.  I understand that special effects make-up has come a long way since the late 80's.  What I don't understand is why they used what looked like wet toilet paper for his skeleton face.  The mask was so bad I expected the "Scooby Doo" gang to show up and reveal that is was "Old Man Jenkins" all along.  Later in the film they covered "Skeletor" with golden adornments.  I'm thinking they could have cut the elaborate golden headdress budget a little and made his face not look like a dried up bowl of Cream of Wheat.

Earlier I did make fun of all the new characters, but they did include many of the classics.  With the glaring omission of "Skunkor" they managed to squeeze in all of the main goodies and baddies from the cartoon.  In what was probably one of the best decisions about the whole movie, they pretended "Orko" never happened.  He was the magical whatever he was supposed to be from the cartoons.  I think he was equally annoying to the die hard fan and casual watcher.  I'm assuming that with having Courtney Cox in the movie they didn't need another little annoying character.

As far as cartoon, action figure tie-in related movies go, this was a pretty solid film.  It had all the things that a growing 10 year old boy needed.  Here we are 25 years later (yeah I know), and while the movie doesn't dazzle me the way it did back then, it's a nice little escape back to the times when you wore footy pajamas and got up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons.

End Of Year Van Der Beek Countdown Spectacular

Well there is a little more than a day left in 2011 and what a year it has been.  This is a very common time to compile lists of our favorite things and count them down.  As you know, I am a slave to trends so my blog will be no different.  In honor of the great year that was 2011, I will be counting down the top 5 James Van Der Beek films of all time.

5 - Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) - I thought this was a great movie.  It was hilarious and raunchy.  Believe it or not this was a star-studded film including one Mr. James Van Der Beek.  Even though this is probably my favorite movie on this list, there wasn't enough Beek for my buck.  He probably only has about 3 minutes of total screen time and that is why this is number five on my list.

4 - Varsity Blues (1999) - A lot of people may think this film should be much higher on the list because it is James Van Der Beek's big starring role.  Here is the problem and why it is only number four on the list.  James is given a big time movie role and he practically gave this film away to Scott Caan.  Very few people even remember that Van Der Beek was in this movie because they are captivated by Caan's riveting performance as "Tweeter".

3 - Texas Rangers (2001) - This is a movie about James Van Der Beek on a horse with some other people also on horses.  I assume they shoot at stuff and probably some other stuff happens.  I never actually saw this movie.  It made number three on the list because of how bad ass Van Der Beek looks on the movie poster.  I mean c'mon look at him...bad ass.

2- Angus (1995) - In this movie James plays "Rick", the dick quarterback that bullies a fat kid named "Angus".  This is his first movie role and the rare phenomenon in Hollywood of using a teenage actor to play a teenage role.  It was pretty groundbreaking at the time considering the average age of actors playing teens was 37.  If you're in the mood for some Pre-Creek Beek, this is the movie for you.

1 - The Rules of Attraction (2002) - This is the number one James Van Der Beek movie of all time.  It doesn't really make number one based on his performance.  All he was required to do was take huge swigs of whiskey straight from the bottle and perform some intense brow furrowing.  I'm just a really big fan of this movie because it's a dark story with interesting characters.  As an added bonus Van Der Beek happens to have the lead.  He does have a little help from his friends on this one.  Be sure to look for "Rookie of the Year"'s Thomas Ian Nicholas playing a douchey rich college kid and "Little Monsters"'s Fred Savage as "A Junkie Named Marc".

So there you have it, another year on the books and five movies that are sure to be added to the top of your Netflix queue.  Be sure to check back next year as I will try really hard to write more.  Or I won't and you'll be stuck reading a good blog instead.  Have a Van Der Beek New Year!!!!

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Commando

Well boys and girls, it is once again time for a Profile In Cinematic Greatness.  Today's film is titled "Commando".  Those of you who are not familiar with this 1985 film may think it was the story of a man who didn't wear briefs under his pants, but I assure, this was not the case.  No, this was one of the all-time greats in terms of 80's action movies.  And if you watch closely you may recognize that the lead is none other than former governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  It seems that before he got into politics he dabbled in feature films.  There were many classic Arnold movies, but for my money this was one of his best.  It's no "Junior", but it's pretty good.

This movie started out the way most movies about former special forces members start out, with them trying to live a normal life.  But we all know that if it was the 80's or 90's you didn't put Arnold in a movie about being a normal dad.  Could you imagine if he would have made a movie about being a normal dad doing something like buying a coveted toy for his kid at Christmas?  Anyways, within five minutes into the film his daughter was abducted and he was forced to once again become a "Commando".  There was a lot of punching, shooting, and explosions.  All of this was pretty standard fare for a Schwarzenegger film.  I'd like to tell you why I thought this one was better than most of the rest.

If you were a fan of Arnold's movies, or even if you hated them but watched them for the phenomenal cinematography, you knew that he would use awful tough guy puns.  For this movie he put on a clinic.  I'm not sure that he had any lines in this movie that weren't terrible action movie puns.  I loved every deliciously cheesy syllable of it.  In the course of an average person's life they get maybe 2 or 3 chances to deliver a tough guy line.  My few opportunities I totally blew it and said something like, "Hey, I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that," or, "Let's just cool down and talk about this."  Arnold got the chance to do this about twenty times in this movie and totally nailed it every time. 

Another great thing about this movie was Mr. Schwarzenegger's co-stars.  The female lead in this movie was Rae Dawn Chong.  Rae or Rae Dawn of whatever she goes by, is the daughter of Tommy Chong.  It doesn't matter what era you're in or what kind of film you are making, if you have the chance to land a member of the distinguished Chong family of actors, you just do it.  Her role consisted of a lot of screaming and probably some other stuff too.   Also in the film was a young Alyssa Milano, who portrayed Arnold's daughter.  I'm sure we all remember Milano from her hit TV show "Who's the Boss?" and also from such films as "I Sure Wish Who's the Boss? Was Still On the Air" and "Remember When I Was On Who's the Boss?".  Finally, they had Bill Duke (aka the guy with the coolest gun in the movie "Predator").  Although, I am sure many would have preferred that they cast that sweet, sweet mini-gun from the movie "Predator", Duke really held his own in this movie.

They really pulled out all the stops in terms of the action sequences of this movie.  Let's review the checklist shall we?  Jumping out of a taking off airplane - check.  Throwing a dude off a cliff - check.  Blowing the crap out of barracks filled with mercenary soldiers - double check.  Do you like car chases?  "Commando" had two of them.  Do you like sea planes?  That's a stupid question, everyone likes sea planes, and yeah, they had one of those.  Do you like to see mall security guards get their asses handed to them in a 20 on 1 brawl?  That's two stupid questions in a row and by the way, yeah they had that too.  This movie was a medieval joust away from having every kind of action imaginable. 

So as you can see, this was truly one of the all-time great Schwarzenegger action movies.  As with all of the movies that I think are masterpieces, don't look for a lot of great acting, or brilliantly written scripts, or plausible storylines, or even coherent storylines.  That's why we have Cate Blanchett movies. 

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Maximum Overdrive

The focus of today's profile is the 1986 masterpiece titled "Maximum Overdrive".  It was the directorial debut and final directed film of a man named Stephen King.  The movie was based on a short story written by a man also named Stephen King.  Whether or not they are related is uncertain.  The movie stars the actress Yeardley Smith who, these days, is more often heard and not seen because she is the voice of Lisa Simpson.  The move also stars a young Emilio Estevez who, these days, is neither heard nor seen.  Seriously, where did he go?

So the basic story of this movie was that our planet passed through the tail of a mysterious comet and some machines came to life and turned against the human race.  The film's main focus was on the workers and patrons of "Dixie Boy", a southern truck stop.  Here are some of the things that I felt made this movie great.

This was a serious low-budget movie.  The best part about it is that they embraced the cheesiness of a low-budget movie and totally rolled with it.  There were two scenes that would have easily racked up a sizable special effects budget that they replaced with title cards that just explained what was going on.  To cut some the the vehicle smashing cost they set the movie in the south.  That way they could use old cars that were held together with duct tape and coat hangers and they wouldn't look out of place.

The soundtrack of this film was provided by the Australian rock band AC/DC.   This is a genius choice for a couple of reasons.  The movie is about trucks that come to life and attack humans.  That is what almost all of AC/DC's songs are about anyways so it fits perfectly.  The other reason this is a great choice is that the score of a film has to have some continuity throughout the film using songs with similar musical arrangements to convey different moods.  I'm pretty sure AC/DC is an anagram that stands for all of our songs sound exactly the same.

The final thing that made this a film for the ages was the brilliant character actor Emilio Estevez.  How they even got a big time movie star for such a small film remains a mystery to this day.  My theory is that he was a big star, but he wasn't "Mighty Ducks" big yet.  If this movie had been made ten years later after the Ducks trilogy there would have been no possible way he would be in this movie.  For a real treat listen to his southern accent throughout the film.  It goes from "good 'ol boy" to "I've never even heard of grits" and makes every stop in between.

So here's the deal, this movie is total B-movie cheese.  What separates it from the total crap ones is its watchability.  If you are a fan of the cheesy horror that doesn't take itself even a little seriously genre this movie is totally for you.  If you are not a fan of this genre then maybe go rent whatever movie Kate Hudson just made and never invite me over for movie night.

Ninja Rap

My last post about the silver screen gem Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze included a segment about Vanilla Ice and his Ninja Rap.  I received a request to post video of it.  Here is the Ninja Rap in all of its glory.  Enjoy!

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze

I know what you are thinking.  That this post has a really long title and that is an indication of its epicness.  Well you are half right, this post does have a really long title.  Speaking of titles, our profile of greatness spotlights the 1991 sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II.  The reason that we are not talking about the original film is that this was one of the rare cases that the sequel was superior to the original film.  I will attempt to illustrate why this was the case with the following arguments.

The first thing that makes this a great movie is brought to our attention immediately.  I am, of course, talking about the opening title sequence.  For no particular reason it is a montage of the good people of New York City (or actors portraying the good people of NYC) eating pizza.  It starts off innocent enough, but then ventures into the silly.  There is a scene of a cop handcuffed to a perp and the cop is smashing an oversized slice of New York style thin crust into his gullet.  This would never happen in real life.  And yes, before you ask, I do realize that I am questioning the authenticity of a movie that features turtles that carry swords and kick people.  I really loved how they knew that the movie was so good that they attempted to bring it to a screeching halt before it really started just to show that is was so good it would overcome.

The second thing that makes this movie better than the first one was the lighter mood.  The first one had a very dark feel and had characters that were brooding.  Part two kept pace with a joke or awful pun once every 8.7 seconds.  It was nice that sometime between parts one and two someone took it to the side and reminded it that is was a movie about ninja turtles and to stop taking itself so seriously.  So for the sequel they ditched the raw and gritty for the bright and cheery.  And it's a good thing too because I am a guy who likes his turtles bright and cheery.

The name of the movie says it all, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  In the history of cinema there cannot be more than 10 movies made that feature people in ridiculous animal costumes that practice martial arts.  Outside of the Ninja Turtle movie series there may not be any at all.  I say when you are given a glorious combination like that you enjoy it to the fullest.  I know that maybe turtle masks and martial arts may sound like a strange combo, but I am willing to bet people told Mr Reese the same thing when he thought of chocolate and peanut butter together in a delicious cup.  And those people were wrong....dead wrong. 

My final point is really the cornerstone of my argument of this movie's superiority.  Not just over the original film and the other lame sequels, but over 95% of all other movies ever made.  That point consists of just two words:  Ninja Rap.  The climax of the movie had our heroes battling other large mutants and venturing into a night club.  At this particular club, one Vanilla Ice was doing what was sure to be a sold out performance.  After the initial shock and fear of seeing battling super mutants Mr. Ice begins to find the turtles funky and fresh.  This inspires him to an impromptu performance of rapping and dancing known forever as "Ninja Rap."  Vanilla Ice later trashed his cameo in the movie and called it the low point of his career.  In response to that I say, "Yo Ice have you seen 'Cool as Ice', that is one God awful movie."  For that matter let's look at his smash album "To The Extreme".  Can anyone here name two songs on that album that weren't Ice Ice Baby?  Show of hands?  Anybody?  So maybe we can cool it on pooping on a performance that delighted millions of kids and megadorks like me. 

So there you have it folks, another profile in cinematic greatness.  A wonderful film that covers the gambit of pizza, turtles, ooze, rapping, and ninjaing.  Unfortunately many will write this off a kid's movie with no substance.  But if you look deeper it is much more.  It is a kid's movie with no substance that has a Vanilla Ice cameo.  You have to enjoy the little things people.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Timecop

With the Academy Awards being on Sunday I thought I would write something that could be a regular series (but it probably won't because I am lazy).  I wanted to write about a movie that I thought was great but for some reason was snubbed by all of the award shows that particular year.  The movie I would like to discuss is "Timecop".  This film is from 1994 and was, in my opinion, the jewel in the crown that is Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.  "Timecop" also starred Mia Sara who is known for being Ferris Bueller's girlfriend and absolutely nothing else.

Here are a few reasons I love this movie.

1) It has kicking.  There was no real surprise here, it's a Van Damme movie.  He isn't exactly known for his singing so they kind of had to work to his strengths.

2) It has time travel.  I am a bit of what is known as a Sci-Fi nerd so the travelling through time element appeals to me and my kind.  Not only that, it has this director's vision of what the future will be.  I think the obvious error is that they thought mullets would come back in the future.  I don't care how much time goes by, this will never happen.  On the other hand a flowing mullet (like the one Jean-Claude sports) really puts an exclamation point on a roundhouse kick (see number one). 

3)  Action movie one liners.  In an effort to make films more realistic, action movies these days have for the most part eliminated the action movie one liner.  Since "Timecop" was made in the mid 90's it was in the golden age of bad action movie puns.  Van Damme wasn't quite the master of this that "Ah-nold" was, but this movie definitely had some gems.  After he kicks a bad guy into liquid nitrogen Van Damme says, "I guess I should have told him to freeze."  Genius!!!

4) Van Damme's accent.  One of the greatest things about Jean-Claude Van Damme movies is that they never offer any feasible explanation for his thick accent.  Most of the time his costars even act like they can understand what he is saying.  This is great because we want action and don't have time for the backstory about growing up in Belgium and coming to America to fight crime.  Van Damme never wasted our time with boring crap like that.  He needed all the time he had for splits and kicks.

So if you have a free evening and are in the mood for an actiony sci-fi movie you could do much worse than this one.  Just do me and yourself a favor and go in with lowered expectations.  It's not "The Kings Speech" it's a freaking Van Damme movie.   Enjoy.

And The Oscar Goes To...Nick Nolte

Well we are only a couple weeks away from the 437th annual Academy Awards.  I'm sure everyone already has their Oscar ballots filled out and are all flustered putting their last minute touches on their Oscar parties.  What kind of sad group of individuals even has an Oscar party?  I would imagine it's the same kind of people that go all out for Arbor Day.  This year's ceremony will be hosted my James Franco and Anne Hathaway.  Of course we all remember James Franco as the lovable pot dealer Saul in "Pineapple Express" and Anne Hathaway as the lovable Princess Diary in "The Princess Diaries".  I suppose they are fitting hosts since James Franco is nominated for an Academy Award and Anne Hathaway also does films.  I'm sure this year will be a lot of the same.  There will be a red carpet.  I'm never really sure what constitutes a good dress or a bad dress.  I think it has something to do with the amount of visible swan you have on your dress.  Guys never make the best and worst dressed list because they all wear the same thing, a black tux.  Yeah, maybe Billy Bob Thornton will mix it up a little and wear a bolo tie, but they're all the same.  There will be the obligitory song and dance number.  I don't know this for sure, I'm just kind of taking it for granted there will be one.  It's kind of like a Lindsay Lohan relapse.  You don't want it to happen, but you know...you just know.

Well just in case you haven't made your Oscar picks yet, here are some of mine.  I don't mind you using them as a cheat sheet because if you actually fill out an Oscar ballot, there are no real winners.  Lets start with Best Picture.  This is the second year they are using the field of 10 nominated movies making this category the NBA playoffs of the Academy Awards.  I didn't actually see the movie, but I am going with "Black Swan".  It has everything a great movie needs:  ballet, creepy face paint, and hopefully actual swans.  The next category is Best Actress.  This is a tough one as there are many talented women nominated this year.  So when in doubt, go with the Dawson's Creek alum.  That is why I am picking Michelle Williams in "Blue Valentine".  Moving on we have the Best Actor category.  This is a no brainer.  I am going with Colin Firth.  As everyone knows, it is required by Hollywood  that you must love Colin Firth.  I've never seen a Colin Firth movie and probably couldn't pick him out of a lineup, but I just know I'm supposed to pick him for best actor.  I used some unconventional logic for my Best Supporting Actress pick.  I chose Amy Adams in "The Fighter".  I say unconventionl logic because instead of judging by strength of performance I looked at her next movie role.  There is something bizarre that happens when an actor or actress wins an Oscar.  They usually appear in something ridiculous for their next movie.  You can next see Amy in "The Muppets", coming this fall to a theater near you.  I don't know a lot about the men in the Best Supporting Actor category as I have seen none of their nominated movies.  There is John Hawkes, Jeremey Renner, Christian Bale, Geoffrey Rush, and Mark Ruffalo.  Let's see, did any of them previously portray Batman?  Yes, Christian Bale has played Batman twice, we have a winner.

So these are my picks, take them or leave them.  If you happen to tune into the Oscar broadcast, good for you, just don't bore me with how insulting it was that the orchestra played Carrot Top off during his moving acceptance speech.  In order to put things into perspective about how meaningless the Academy Awards and their ceremony is I will leave you with this.  Ben Affleck, Lionel Ritchie, and Eminem all have Oscars.  Sylvester Stallone has been nominated twice (which he says is an honor just to have been nominated).  It's true, Google it.