Top Ten Signs You Are Obsessed With Breaking Bad

Unless you are living under a rock, you are aware that Breaking Bad will soon be coming to an end.  I am rather fond of the show, but others take their fondness to a whole new level.  This handy dandy guide will clue you in as to whether you are a casual follower of the show or out of your mind obsessed.

10) You have received several notices from your bank regarding checks returned because you sign your name using chemical symbols.

9) You find yourself within the city limits of Albuquerque, New Mexico for reasons other than being relocated by the witness protection program.

8) Even though you know you have no earthly reason to do so, you can't shake a nagging feeling that

you better call Saul.

7) Yes, he's a fictional character, but you know that every time Jesse says "bitch" he's talking to you.

6) Hours and hours each week pouring over Auto Trader in search of an old Winnebago or a Pontiac Aztek.

5) You turn away door to door solicitors by ominously informing them that YOU are the one that knocks.

4) You're finding more and more reasons to "accidentally" run into your high school chemistry teacher.

3) You quit your job to become a travel agent specializing in trips to Belize.

2) You actually shut up for ten seconds about how great The Wire was.

1) Because of the show, you find yourself neglecting your usual hobby of doing loads of meth.

If any of these warning signs apply to you, my advice would be to tread lightly. Either that or switch to a more harmless show like Hot In Cleveland.  I wanted to give a quick shout out to Creepy Todd.  I really wanted to figure out a way to include you in this list, but I couldn't think of a good way to do it.  Please don't send your uncle after me. 

No Helen, I Did NOT watch Downton Abbey Last Night

I've never seen an episode of Downton Abbey.  I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.

When it seems like the whole world is head over heels about something, it's a pretty good indicator that I am going to hate it.  It's not because I'm unique. I'm definitely not a trend setter. The main reason is that I'm kind of an asshole.  I avoid all activities that will ensure "water cooler talk" the next day. So when Helen from accounts payable (yeah the same Helen from the title) asks me if I watched Downton Abbey last night, the excruciating conversation that could possibly follow is averted with a simple "no".

Downton Abbey is actually a special case of this because my lack of viewership is not just because of my social awkwardness.  If you tell me to give it a chance and I do, I have a hunch that I will hate it...and then I will hate you.  Here are a few of my reasons why.

From what I've gathered in all of the non-stop blabbering about the show it seems like people are watching it ironically.  Doing anything ironically is an idiotic activity.  I barely have enough time to watch TV shows that I actually like.  Who are these douchebags that have so much spare time that they can watch boring crap just to make fun of it?

Now many of you will tell me that you actually like the show.  This makes me very suspicious.  I get the feeling that many people watch the show because they are afraid to be one of the people who don't watch the show (see also Mad Men and The Walking Dead).  Watching a show out of fear of not being one of the "cool kids" is probably just about the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Another reason I am dubious of big fans of the show is because it is British.  I am American and my experience with things from across the pond is that they are an acquired taste.  The biggest Monty Python fans admittedly hate a vast majority of their stuff.  And if you site Austin Powers as an example, I will slap you.  I have a little test you can take to determine if you really enjoy British entertainment or are just a pathetic follower trying to be cool.  Answers these three questions:

1) Do you like British entertainment?
2) Really?
3) Looks at you over the top of my glasses Really?

If you answered no to any of these questions you don't actually enjoy all things British.

My biggest reason for never watching the show is this lady.  I don't know what her character's name is.  I'm sure it's something like Dame Victoria Penderwash or Madam Eugenia Rigglesmith.  It really doesn't matter because all I ever hear about it how she's sooooo funny.  Her dry wit is so hilarious.  Dry wit is like a dry steak or a dry punch to the throat...not good.  I've even heard people talk about how sexy she is.  And they are right on the money.

So watch your Downton Abbey and "enjoy" it, just leave me out of it.  I have better things to do like avoiding direct eye contact and rehearsing my awkward urinal banter.

School's Out For Summer Countdown Spectacular

Well here we are at the end of another school year.  It's that wonderful time of year when Alice Cooper can enjoy some sweet, albeit brief, relevance.  In honor of school's end, I am counting down the top 10 movie teachers of all time.  So sit back and don't take notes because this will not be on the final exam.

10 - The teacher/stripper from Varsity Blues - Most of you think you know why this teacher made my list, but you're wrong.  Maybe a teacher/stripper was a fantasy for some of you, but the female teachers at my school had an average age of 73 (so yeah, it was a fantasy for me too).  They say the true judge of character is the company you keep and her co-stars were James Van Der Beek and Scott Caan, so...yeah.

9 - Professor Jennings from Animal House - This pot smoking college professor who had inappropriate relationships with students was portrayed by Donald Sutherland.  It shouldn't even be necessary to go on, but I will for those a little slower on the uptake.  Donald Sutherland played Ronald in the movie Backdraft so everything else that he does is by default - awesome.

8 - Mrs. Tingle from Teaching Mrs. Tingle - Helen Mirren tied to a chair in her bedroom wasn't the most traditional of classroom settings, but she was still able to teach valuable lessons, in life.  I actually think kidnapping a teacher would be a more realistic fantasy than the teacher/stripper one from above.  It would be a logistical nightmare though because what would you feed a teacher?  I have no idea what they eat. 

7 - Mr. Escalante from Stand and Deliver - It's like the old saying goes:  Give Lou Diamond Phillips a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach Lou Diamond Phillips to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. 

6 - Mr. Kotter from Welcome Back, Kotter -  Mr. Kotter and Mr. Escalante faced similar challenges but the advantage goes to Mr. Kotter.  The Sweathogs were a much rougher crew than any inner city gang from Los Angeles.  You disagree?  Ok, let Vinnie Barbarino tell you, "Up your nose with a rubber hose" and then you look me in the eye and tell me that's better than getting slashed across the back with a box cutter.  Yeah, that's what I thought.

5 - Yoda from every Star Wars movie - This may stretch the limits a little, but technically he was a teacher.  He taught Jedi for hundreds of years so he was definitely tenured.  Also, I really like to strengthen all of my lists by having Yoda on them.

4 - The teacher from Van Halen's Hot for Teacher video - That lady had to be in the same room as David Lee Roth for an extended period of time.  Don't you think she deserves a little something for that?

3 - Mr. Shoop from Summer School - Mark Harmon wore a Hawaiian shirt and there was a dog named WonderMutt that wore sunglasses.  Pretty much everything about Mr. Shoop was awesome.

2 - Mr. Strickland from the Back to the Future movies - Let's get this out of the way before I get bombarded with hate emails.  I know he was a principal and not a teacher, but he was associated with a institution of learning and that qualifies him in my book.  I really liked his no-nonsense style and that he called people slackers.  I feel that slacker is a very underrated put down. 

1 - Any teacher from any movie or television show that wasn't Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society - Mr. Keating from Dead Poet's Society was ok at first, but became exhausting.  So the number one spot on the list goes to pretty much everyone else.

So there is the list, I hope you liked it.  Enjoy your summer vacations.  Even though for adults, summer vacation just means going to work like every other day except it's hot.

In The End There Can Be Only One Tree Hill

The year was 2003.  Those were much simpler times.  The world's tweens had not yet been ravaged by the horrible Bieber fever epidemic.  Love triangles involving vampires, werewolves, and I guess that girl is a zombie only existed in books (which had pages back then if you can believe that).  And once a week, the world put aside their differences and gathered to watch a little show called "One Tree Hill".

On Wednesday, April 4th, 2012 The CW is giving us one last chance to spend some time with that rag-tag group of kids from a little town called Tree Hill.  I always liked to think that was where they got the title of the show, but really it's anyone's guess.  When the series finale was announced it raised one serious question from deep inside me.  "One Tree Hill" is still a thing???  I was positive they ended that show at least five or six years ago.  The show's mysterious longevity baffled me.  It has been on the air as long as "Seinfeld" was.  I'll let that settle in for a second. 

We can eliminate great acting, captivating storylines, and loyal viewership as reasons for the shows long run right off the bat.  I have come up with a few alternative, but very plausible reasons this show has been the cockroach of teen dramas.

1) The Prank Theory - "One Tree Hill" would not be the first time that the entire world has conspired to play a large scale prank on me.  The prank theory is also the only plausible explanation for the popularity of Florence + The Machine.  I don't think it is completely unrealistic that everyone got together and kept the show on the air to see if I would keep watching.  Well world, the jokes on you, I have never watched a single episode.  All the info about the show I am getting from Wikipedia and a creepy 49 year old man that hangs out at the local Dairy Queen.

2) Espionage Communication - I think that it is a safe bet that a large portion of the world thought this show was gone at least as long as I have.  Maybe in the last few years, the CIA has been using the show to send vital information to covert operatives all over the world.  If any of these communications were intercepted by a civilian they would remain a secret because if someone tried to spill the beans they would have to admit that they watched the show.

3) The Chad Factor -  I'm just going to come right out and say it.  Chad Michael Murray is a national treasure.  If you have a way, like a television show, to showcase him and his gift to the world, you will do everything in your power to keep it around forever.  The giant hole in this theory is that Mr. Michael Murray left the show a few years ago.  My only thought is that they kept the show around just in case his acting career needed a couch to crash on when he was in town.

4) Inept Programming Executives - This is by far the most realistic of all my theories.  Season two was the only time in the series' run that the show cracked the coveted "Top 120".  And this was back when there was only between 75 and 100 channels to watch.  There was likely some very horrible FOX programming that was kicking this show's ass every week back then and they still kept it around.  Even now, in the reality television age, this show is probably always losing to a reality show about people who make lug nuts for a living.

Whatever the real reason this show lasted as long as it has will forever remain a mystery.  If I knew anything about the actual plot of the show I guess I could recommend some sort of gesture to show how much you appreciated it.  All I ask is that we let the show die with some dignity.  Please don't do one of those things where the fans mail an acorn or a colostomy bag to The CW in hopes they will bring it back.  Just let it go.  Trust me, Chad Michael Murray would have wanted it this way.

Who Is Watching?

Tonight was the 63rd Annual Emmy Awards, but if anyone asks, I was totally watching the Eagles game.  Anyways, tonight I'd like to talk about television.  More specifically I'd like to talk about television that I am not sure why it is still on the air.  I'm talking about the shows that when they are brought up or when you see a commercial for them you are puzzled that they weren't cancelled 2-3 years ago.

The Bachelor/The Bachelorette

This show is sort of the great-aunt of dating shows.  This is probably the last one still on the air that doesn't have a washed up rapper in it.  I remember this show being very popular a few years ago.  People were invested in it and seemed to care if the bachelor and whoever got the final rose actually got married.  I NEVER hear anyone talking about this show anymore.  Yet here we are and this show is still on TV easily two years after everyone stopped watching it. 

Big Brother

When this show was stolen from European television and brought to the United States, it was HUGE.  CBS aired it six nights a week.  They had the Big Brother: After Dark show on Showtime.  Julie Chen had to be plugged in and recharged several times a day due to over use.  Then America got wise and realized that if they wanted to watch boring, unattractive people sit on the couch, they would just put a mirror in the living room.  So why is this show still on TV?  If you host a show and are married to the president of the network it airs on, you're boring show doesn't get cancelled.  As a matter of fact, you will probably get to host a few more terrible shows as well.

American Idol/America's Next Top Model/America's Got Talent

There hasn't been one since Kelly Clarkson.  There has never been one.  And no, no we don't.

Every Basic Cable Reality Show

It all started with The Deadliest Catch and now 15,000 different reality shows later, here we are. Due to the sheer number of shows there are, there cannot possibly a large enough audience to keep any of them on the air. Plus they crank these shows out so quickly, the content is just God awful. Maybe that is part of the allure and I can dig that. But I will say that even if you can't take your eyes off of a horrific car accident, you wouldn't camp out at the same intersection every week looking for another one.

CSI/NCIS/Law & Order/Homicide/JAG/Burn Notice/Cold Case

To answer the question put forth in the title of this blog: apparently everyone. The police procedural shows are ratings juggernauts. My only problem with these shows besides the overkill in the amount of them is that for shows that are numbers one through ten in the ratings week to week I don't watch any of them and don't know anyone who does.

So for the amount of time I spend flipping channels and the amount of crap on TV I have to endure, one might think it would be better to shut it off and crack open a book.  But, whether you are a casual reader of this blog or have read every single one, I think we all know that just isn't going to happen.

This Is Jeopardy!

I was looking over the news headlines about a week ago as I like to do from time to time.  As per my usual headline scanning routine, I ignored to important ones that I should pay attention to to look at ones that are funny or ridiculous.  There was one that caught my eye: "Alex Trebek Chases Suspected Burglar."  My first instinct was that there was no possible way that that could be real.  Much to my delight, it was real.  Unfortunately, Mr. Trebek was injured, but other than that, this story was a gold mine. 

There are a number of ways I could have gone with making fun of the situation, but I decided to go a different route.  I wanted to pay tribute to the super brave Alex Trebek.  Imagine, if you will, that you turned on the television looking for something to watch and you discover a show about Alex Trebek fighting crime.  I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me that would not be the most awesome show ever.  I would call you a liar to your face.  I'm not even talking about Alex Trebek portraying a cop in a show about his character fighting crime.  I mean real life Trebek fighting real life crime.  I guess it would be like the Steven Seagal reality show that he is a cop.  And by cop I mean that by the time he has taken three to four practice tries he finally lifts himself out of the squad car just in time to sign an autograph as the real cops are wrapping things up.

I would be glued to the screen watching him bust scumbags...Trebek style.  You know he wouldn't just arrest you either.  After he has you in cuffs he would use words like "ubiquitous" and "dichotomy" so that the perps would feel like dummies all the way to the slammer.  If this show existed, it would dominate television so thoroughly that there wouldn't need to be other channels.  Even if there were it wouldn't matter.  The closest thing another network could do to compete would be to run the news around the clock.  What's the lead story?  Alex Trebek busts another bad guy.  Weather?  Mostly sunny with a chance of Alex Trebek tossing your ass in jail.  Let's go to Jimbo for sports.  It was a wild day in sports but we ended up with a final score Alex Trebek 100, criminals zip.

I suppose if it had to be a scripted show about Alex Trebek fighting crime that could work too.  First of all you wouldn't need to change the name of the show.  Jeopardy! would totally work for a show like that.  And second, go ahead and lie to me again and tell me that you wouldn't love to see Trebek in a C.S.I. kind of show.  As he rises to his feet after examining a murder victim he says, "I'm sorry you didn't phrase that in the form of a question."  Then he throws on the shades and Roger Daltrey screams, "YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  There wouldn't even need to be anything else.  After that scene, just tease next week's episode and run the end credits.  I'd never miss a show. 

Show or not, I know that ever since reading about Alex Trebek I have been sleeping easier.  My dream is the same every night.  Alex Trebek looks at me and says, "The answer is:  Not on my watch big guy."  I buzz in and say, "What is are the bad guys gonna get me Mr. Trebek?"  Then I think we go someplace to get a sandwich of something.  It gets kind of fuzzy after that, but you get the idea.

Really? 2: The Electric Boogaloo

If you take a spin around your television dial, it is unlikely that you will go more than about three channels before you come across what is called a reality television show.  For those of you who do not know what a reality television show is, I have really missed you since you left our planet.  As these shows are so abundant on our televisions, there are actually genres of reality TV.  There are actually more genres than you might think such as multiple birth families and aging rapper dating/sexual misconduct just to name a few.  Today I would like to talk about the occupational reality television show genre.

There are dozens of reality shows that feature a person or people doing a particular job.  Some are very good, like The Deadliest Catch, which deals with the very dangerous occupation of fishing in Arctic waters for crab, and some are Cupcake Wars.  There are bounty hunters, exterminators, pawn shop owners, dog whisperers, horse whisperers, and ghost whisperers.  It has come to my attention that there is now a show on The Food Network called "Ice Brigade" about the occupation of ice sculpting in Michigan.  Really?

I want to say right off the bat that I have nothing against ice sculpting or ice sculptors.  That stuff is magical.  That scene in "Edward Scissorhands" when he is carving ice with his scissor hands and making it snow on Winona Ryder teleports me to a place where nothing bad will ever happen.  But in the instances where I have seen an ice sculpture or had the sheer delight of witnessing one being created I have never been curious about how the artist gets along with their spouse or kids.  I have never once interrupted a carving of a giant frozen trout to ask the artist to tell me about a day when things got so crazy back at the ice sculpting office that they had to say, "Hey gang, lets all just take a little time out and get it together."

Who was asking for this show?  Does the average person even know that these things are sculpted by a person and not just pulled out of some old lady's freezer and extracted from an enormous bear-shaped ice cube tray?  Another thing that bothers me about Ice Brigade is that it features a self-described group of ice sculpting renegades.  Are there renegades in the ice sculpting community?  Apparently the answer is yes.  I'm not really sure what you would do to be labeled a renegade.  As far as I can tell there are two requirements to be an ice sculptor:  use ice and make it look like something.  I think if you go against either of these conventions, ice sculptor should not be what is printed on your business card.

I'm not really fired up because there is a show about ice sculpting.  I am concerned because I see no end in sight for these types of shows.  Each one gets just a little bit less interesting.  Finally we will be left watching a show about the hustle and bustle in the high stakes world of insurance adjusters (at least what they are allowed to show on TV). 

That's What She Said

Thursday night on NBC there is a little show called "The Office".  This happens to be one of my favorite shows and is so good that I understand they are totally ripping it off over in England (or something like that).  It was announced a long time ago that this would be the last season of the show with Steve Carell as Michael Scott.  Another announcement indicated that next month would feature his very last show.  While his departure saddens me deeply, my beef is not with Carell.  He wants to make the big bucks in movies, I can't be mad at him for that.  And I have a feeling that unlike all the Caruso's and Gandolfini's before him, this kid might just make it.  No my disgust lies with the show itself for not ending with his departure.

Now some will argue that Steve Carell is not the whole show.  There are many other delightful characters.  My friends, you are preaching to the choir.  I couldn't agree more.  But it is ALL of these wonderful parts that make the whole.  Plus, he is kind of the main character.  People will notice he is gone.  If Creed or Meredith were gone, it would probably take you about 4 or 5 shows to figure out that they aren't there.  As a matter of fact they probably do go missing for shows at a time and I bet you don't notice. 

Many will say, "What is the harm in keeping the show going?  They aren't hurting anyone."  I'd like to tell you a story about a little show called "Scrubs".  This was a wonderful show full of lovable hilarious characters.  The problem with this show is that its network hated it.  They tried everything they possibly could to get this show cancelled.  They tried time slot changes, air date changes, even network changes, but they couldn't sink this plucky little show.  It was just too damn good.  I can hear you saying, "If this show was as good as you say it was, why aren't we still watching it except for at random times on a Saturday afternoon on basic cable?"  I will tell you why my friends, they kept it going after the main character left the show.  Was he the only character?  Nope.  Was he always the funniest?  Not even close (see "The Todd").  But if you mess with the formula you will get burnt every time.  To this day, that final season of "Scrubs" haunts my dreams and destroys my memories of the good times I had watching that show.

Let me put it to you another way.  Let's say that one day McDonald's made an announcement that they were going to stop serving sandwiches at all of their fine establishments.  They were going to keep the chain going on the strength of their other menu items like the new oatmeal that I am sure is so popular that it is just flying out of the drive thru windows.  Now I want to be the first to say I love some of the other menu items.  The fries are top notch and this month's milkshake, The Shamrock Shake, is phenomenal.  But, how long would it take for them to have to shut it down due to lack of interest?  Yes, people order salads from McDonald's, but it's only after they've ordered so many Big Macs that their pants don't fit anymore.  And I am talking about their sweatpants.  So if The Quarter Pounder with Cheese left to make feature films, they wouldn't promote McDonaldland Cookies to boss of the office and hope they would be alright, McDonald's would close the doors. 

So NBC, I beg you, please do not poo all over the legacy of such a fine show by keeping it going.  Let it end with some dignity.  Sadly, my cries will not be heard and the show will undoubtedly go on and become a limp lifeless form that once stood tall.  That's what she said...that's what she said indeed.

One And A Half Men And A Vatican Assassin Warlock (And A Pizza Place)

I really wrestled with the idea of whether or not I would write about Charlie Sheen.  I know there hasn't been all that much said about and by him in the last week, so my two cents is really necessary at this point.  But I figured what the hell, maybe he will even read it and comment on it. 

Wow, I'm not really sure where to even start with this.  It's not like Charlie Sheen has been on the level for the last 15 or 20 years.  He's sort of been into some shady things for a long time.  We all remember when he was involved with that prostitute years ago.  Speaking of her I wonder if she'll do another season of Denise Richards:  It's Complicated.  Anyways, for such a long time he has been a controlled fire.  It was burning, but nobody was getting hurt by it.  Sure there were occasional flare ups like choking out his wife or coke binges with porn stars, but the fire department was always there to make sure it was under control again quickly.  Then, about a week ago someone doused the fire with gasoline and it won't go out.  I think I've taken this fire analogy about as far as it will go. 

Here is just a sampling of some of my favorite quotes over the last few days.  There are waaaayyy too many to put them all.

 "I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."
"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body."
"I blinked and I cured my brain, that's how. Everybody has the power."
"I'm proud of what I've created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic."
"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like you know, droopy eyes armless children."
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

OK, that last one was Steven Wright, but still pretty crazy.

We've all seen celebrity meltdowns before, this is nothing new.  What is shocking about this is that it seems like he is at a dead sprint to end his career.  Seriously, how can he recover from this?  It's not like he can say it was all a hoax and that Ben Affleck's little brother is filming it for a documentary.  On a side note, I wonder if Joaquin Phoenix is at home arm chair quarterbacking Sheen's meltdown.  He is probably yelling at his TV, "You didn't even grow an unkempt beard you amateur!"  It's like Charlie Sheen just wants all of it to be over and done.  It's a shame too because if the show ends, what will the kid who plays the half man do now that he has outgrown his cuteness?  And Jon Cryer, I don't think a sequel or prequel to "Pretty in Pink" is in the works.  Also, if Charlie Sheen is done with acting, that follow up to "Major League: Back to the Minors"... not going to happen folks.

Everyone has been having a good time with the unbridled crazy that is Charlie Sheen, but in all seriousness, I hope he gets help. There aren't any rehab techniques for kicking a nasty Charlie Sheen habit, but they do alright with cocaine and methamphetamine.  Maybe if you zero in on those ones first the addiction to Charlie Sheen will work itself out.  In the meantime someone get him to stop doing interviews.  I think they used a soundbite about tiger blood on Jeopardy! the other night.