A Mall...In The Sky

I just got back from vacation a few weeks ago and had the good fortune of taking a flight to do so.  I don't fly all they time and I got to experience a wonderful thing that you can only get from flying.  No, I'm not talking about the smell of an airplane which is sort of like sweat mixed with the odor of 30 different people's farts.  I'm talking about the Sky Mall catalog.  It's like a regular catalog, but with a Fox attitude (that one's for you Matt).  I love Sky Mall, but I would never order anything from the catalog.  This got me thinking about the kind of person who would.

The main target audience of the Sky Mall catalog is the business person.  A vast majority of the products featured in Sky Mall are for people in sales.  I'm not really sure about how useful some of these products are.  Most of them are just cheap knick knacks with your company's logo printed on them.  I don't have the kind of job that I sell things or listen to sales pitches, but I am pretty sure a light up yo-yo isn't going to make me pay 20% more for a product that is inferior to your competitor's.  Now if you had a plastic harmonica or slide whistle, then we'd be in business. 

I think their ideal customer would be George Clooney's character from the movie "Up In The Air".  He was travelling all of the time for business.  He flew around the country and lived in hotels.  Then a maniac computer hacker took control of a satellite with a laser weapon and it was up to him to save the hostages on the hijacked train.  The movie seemed very disjointed until I remembered that I got bored and switched channels to watch "Under Siege II: Dark Territory".  Classic Seagal.

The next category of Sky Mall customer is the traveller/pet owner.  Whether it's for business or pleasure, if you have to travel and own a pet you probably harbor a ton of pet guilt.  That is why Sky Mall is loaded with products to pamper your pet.  They have dog beds nicer than the one I sleep in and animal clothes made from the finest silks.  I don't know how this is pampering since dogs like to sleep close to feet and HATE wearing clothes.  On the other hand, maybe some of this stuff is for pet haters.  The catalog features kennels, gates, and fences more elaborate than most prisons.  Oddly, they are made from high quality woods that are sanded, stained, and buffed to a high gloss.  So your dog or cat isn't just on "punishment", they are on "fancy punishment".

Everything else in the catalog is just filed under ridiculous.  Some of them are products that nobody in the world would ever need.  For example, does anyone really need a climate controlled cigar humidor...for their bicycle?  The rest of the products boast technologies that I am pretty sure do not even exist yet.  They have a pill that will not only regrow hair, but also help you to remember all 50 states and their capitals.  And they advertise a pillow that always stays cool.  I'm flipping my pillow over every ten minutes like an idiot and the people at Sky Mall are just sitting there laughing at me.  I'm pretty sure that when it comes time to print the new Sky Mall catalog if the don't have enough products to fill the whole thing they just put in things that they dreamt about when they fell asleep watching "Star Trek".

So next time you fly, grab a Sky Mall catalog and leaf through it.  I promise you it will be 3-4 of the more entertaining minutes you will have during your flight.  Then after you land, take the catalog with you.  It's not stealing, it says you can take it right on the front.  Then later in the day, call the toll free number listed.  You don't have to order anything, but I think it would be nice for you to talk to one of the bored and lonely Sky Mall customer service representatives.  Listen politely to all of their stories about their cats, then hang up and go about your business.  A little kindness goes a long way.

Travel Do's And Don'ts

There comes a time in every person's life when they must leave the confines of their house, apartment, hut, '78 El Camino, or what have you.  I am, of course, talking about travel.  This is done for a variety of reasons such as a vacation or model railroad enthusiast convention (not for the faint of heart, believe you me).  Here are a few tips when you find yourself out of the house and flying the friendly skies.  Yes, these tips will only apply to air travel (unless your car is awesome).  Road trips will be covered at a later date (date to be determined by my procrastination).

DO allow yourself extra time at the airport so that you can make your flight.  That's just good sense.
DON'T allow so much extra time that people think you are living at the airport like in that awful Tom Hanks movie.

DO pack light.  The less you pack the less there is for baggage handlers to rummage through.
DON'T skimp on the underpants when packing light.  Here's a handy equation to determine the number of pairs needed:  U = D + 2 where U is the number of pairs of underpants and D is the number of days in your trip.  Why the + 2?  Simply because there is nothing quite like a fresh pair of underpants.  You probably thought I was going to go gross there, but I didn't.  You're welcome.

DO stop at the duty free and purchase a massive Toblerone candy bar.  You never know when the foundation to your home will need a little shoring up.
DON'T gloat that you didn't pay duty every time you pour your friends a shot from your 3 gallon jug of Absolut vodka.  Nobody likes a bragger.

DO inform friends and loved ones that you have arrived at your destination safely.  It is the courteous thing to do.
DON'T update Facebook and Twitter at every stage of travel.  Going through security.  Plane is taking off.  Air Marshal is tasering me because I refuse to turn off my electronic device.  Almost done with my overly thorough cavity search, etc.

DO your homework before you visit a new place.  When you wait until you arrive and ask for travel advice from a cab driver with whom you share an obvious language barrier you can't get angry when they take you to a back alley unsanctioned chess tournament.
DON'T eat a bunch of Taco Bell Gorditas and call it doing your homework before going to Mexico for the 1st time (feel free to insert your own joke with the "authentic" ethnic eatery of your choice).

DO store your carry on items in the overhead compartments.
DON'T store your carry on items in the overhead compartment above my seat.  It is my overhead compartment and if any of the 38 collectible kitten figurines that I will not travel without are damaged from you jamming an oversized bag in next to mine, I WILL cut you.

So if you want to have a fantastic, worry free trip, make sure to take note of the tips provided.  Or don't, and have a crappy trip.  Your call.