Twitter: A Look Back

Tonight we are here to honor a very special and distinguished guest.  Ladies and gentleman I present to you my often neglected Twitter account.  Like most of the other social media, I have grown bored of "tweeting".  There are many reasons for this, but I think it's mostly because it's called "tweeting".  Tonight I'd like to take a look back at the Twitter account that most of you didn't even know existed (and probably for good reason) by sharing some of my favorite "tweets" with you. 

 Is it me or does Tango and Cash get better everytime you watch it?

 Someday there will be world peace. Until then, we'll have to settle for tacos.

Is there anyone out there who would be even a little surprised if we found out Nicki Minaj was made entirely of cake frosting?

I don't usually do this but you should follow @Metamucil that dude is hilarious.

My dental hygienist was concerned that my gums were bleeding. You just poked it with sharp metal, that just means I'm not a robot.

I love cats, my favorite color is brown, and I never learned to count. #20ThingsAboutMe

I just watched The Avengers and SPOILER ALERT, the milk in the back of your fridge just expired.

At this point I'd like to interject that I said these were my favorite "tweets".  I never made any promises about them being funny or interesting.  Now back to the "tweets" (ugh).

I'm thinking of opening a second Twitter account just for all of my tweets about ham.

Hey Jessie J, I don't like the Katy Perry I have now. What makes you think I want another one?

They say the greatest gift you can give is the sound of a child's laughter. Cash is also a good gift.

If I ever win the lottery I'm going to have Jason Statham on call to roundhouse people that cross me.

Pizza rolls, if you really think the words "family size" are going to stop me from eating a whole bag of you, you don't know me at all.

If I had a show on The Food Network I'd just crack open pistachios for 30 minutes straight.

I think I'm going to eat all the Easter candy I bought for my kids and next week just tell them the Easter bunny is an asshole.

Did I mention that THE Scott Grimes is following me on Twitter?

The Leprechaun marathon on SyFy makes sense for St. Patty's. The Die Hard marathon on AMC not so much.

I wish Snooki would stop jerking us around and announce that she's running for president.

I really hope the FCC does us all a solid at the SuperBowl halftime show and uses those black censor bars on Madonna's gross arms.

I sleep better at night knowing that somewhere out there, Danny Glover is watching over us.

The best part of my weekend is the fact that I rarely bump into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Sometimes I daydream about being a NASCAR driver. Then I come back to earth when I remember my SAT scores were nowhere near high enough.

You know who really grinds my gears? People who do dumb stuff for Klondike Bars. They sell them in every store geniuses!

That probably isn't all of my favorite "tweets", but I really don't feel like looking at Twitter anymore right now.  Maybe if more than 6 people read this blog I will dig up some more.  Until then, I think this leaves you with a pretty clear picture at how ridiculous my sense of humor is.   

Infrequently Asked Questions

A very popular thing for someone with a site to do is to answer questions from readers.  For the duration of this site I have had a total of zero questions submitted.  There are a few possible explanations for this.  Maybe I am so thorough in my writing that all of your questions are already answered.  Maybe everyone is too shy to ask me questions.  This is totally understandable, but I'm just a dude, I put my pants on one leg at a time.  Whatever the reason, I have no real questions to answer so I will make up my own.  Don't worry, these will be hard-hitting questions, no softballs.

Where do you come up with ideas for your writing?
To be totally honest, I don't come up with the ideas.  If you read closely you will see that each of my blogs is an episode of the electrifying courtroom drama Franklin and Bash transcribed verbatim.  So as long as the good folks at TNT keep cranking them out, I will always have stuff to write about.

Whose side will you take in the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes split?
Oh, what a very topical question.  Divorce is a very delicate issue and only Tom and Katie know all the details about what did and didn't happen in their marriage.  On the other hand, Minority Report was a very cool movie and I liked it alot.  So I think I will have to be on Team Cruise for this one.

Does THE Scott Grimes really follow you on Twitter?
Yes, yes he does.

How come there are so many large gaps between your blogs?
I have a Netflix queue with over 30 DVD's in it.  Those movies aren't going to watch themselves.  That coupled with my cross country trekking to follow the McRib doesn't always leave me with loads of spare time to write about 80's movies that four people even remember.

If a train leaves San Diego at 8am and travels at a constant speed of 56 kilometers per hour then why did The Sopranos have such a dumb finale?

There was no real way to top the "Johnny Cakes" storyline.  Everyone just stopped trying after that, finale included.

You never discuss real things like politics in your blog.  Why is that?
What the hell is a politics?

Do you ever plan on writing a book?
For as many people who would actually be interested in buying and reading a book that I wrote, it might just be easier to visit them at their homes and shout the material at them. So no, probably not.

If you had a signature fragrance what would it be called and what would it smell like?
I would call my fragrance Pirate's Desire.  It would smell like ham.

Who would you say is the target audience of your blog?
That's an easy one.  My target audience is one person: Clarence Jenkins who lives at 785 Oakmore Lane in Topeka, Kansas.  I will keep on writing until I get the approval from him that I desperately crave.

That seems a little creepy.
That's not really a question.

If you were on death row what would you choose for your last meal?
Golden Corral all you can eat buffet.  That way my meal would never end and I would never get executed.  LOOPHOLE!  Of course one might argue that eating Golden Corral for the rest of your life would be way worse than execution.

Are any of your answers to these questions actually true?
No, except for the Scott Grimes one.

Well I hope this shed a little light on all the things that you were never actually curious about in the first place.  My main goal was to confuse you so that there would be some real questions for me to answer in a future blog.  Until then, I have to watch me some Franklin and Bash.

My Heroes

Everybody needs a role model.  In every person's life people come along that influence us and shape the way we live our lives.  Today I would like to share some of my heroes with you.  Some of them are real and some are fictional characters.  Ok, most of them are fictional characters which explains a lot.

This first person on my list of heroes is Turbo from the movie Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.  Turbo was brilliantly portrayed by Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers.  Turbo had a great sense of style and some seriously sweet moves.  One only needs to see the scene with Turbo and the broom to understand why he is my hero.

Next up on the list is Drunk Kanye West.  Because of his music, Kanye would almost make my list on his own.  His true greatness comes out when he collaborates with Hennessy at awards shows and disaster relief telethons.  Drunk Kanye has no mouth filter and speaks his mind.  I don't agree with everything Drunk Kanye has to say, but it is always way more interesting than anything Sober Kanye says.

Yoda.  Do I really need to explain this one?  I didn't think so.

No list of heroes would be complete without Ninja Death Squads From 80's Action Movies.  This isn't one person, but an unsung group that deserves some recognition.  The Ninja Death Squad is a group that ridiculously outnumbers their intended target but loses anyways.  The are highly trained, but whoever they fight seems to be more highly trained.  What I love about this group is their can-do attitude.  They know that Charles Bronson or whoever if going to beat them, but they do it anyways.

Speaking of Charles Bronson, next on my list is another group of heroic people.  These are the Not Believable For A Second Action Stars.  This collection of (mostly geriatric) people include: Charles Bronson, Edward "The Equalizer" Woodward, Entrapment-Era Sean Connery, and my favorite, Pat Morita.  You would expect these guys to hand out Werther's Originals, but instead they handed out ass-whippings.  You have to respect that (and their stuntmen).

I feel like I should put at least one real person on this list so I will go with Scott Grimes.  I really don't even know where to start with the awesomeness that is Scott Grimes.  He overcame the nearly insurmountable odds of being ginger and managed to carve himself quite an impressive niche in Hollywood.  He was the star of Critters 2 and Mystery, Alaska, two of the greatest films of all time.  Somewhere in his busy acting schedule he has time to do voicework on Seth MacFarlane's 4th most popular show, American Dad!.  Also he follows me on Twitter, the sign of a true champion.

This list is by no means complete.  There are many other people (real and fake) that I look up to.  Maybe this tribute will inspire you to add some of mine to your list.  Probably not, but maybe. 

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Critters 2: The Main Course

Today's profile is a real treat.  I will be talking about the classic 1988 film "Critters 2: The Main Course".  I have seen this movie about 30 or 40 times and it gets better every time I...no it's a fairly awful movie, but we will keep going anyways.

The original "Critters" was about little, flesh eating aliens that terrorized a small town.  In a very risky move they strayed from the sure-fire formula of the first film,  "Critters 2" was about a small town that was terrorized by little, flesh eating aliens.  The two ideas are so vastly different that you can barely even call this a sequel.  There were characters common to both films and I think both were set in the same small town.  So there were things that tied these films together.  

In all seriousness, there are very few ways to distinguish the first movie from the second.  It was almost as if they made "Critters 2" as a crappy homage to the already crappy "Critters".  As it turns out, "Critters" was made to capitalize on the popularity of the movie "Gremlins".  So "Critters 2" is a bad copy of a horrible ripoff.  With all of the great things I have said so far I don't why you are still reading this and not on your way to the local video store to rent or buy it. 

There is one guaranteed way to know whether you are watching part one or part two.  That reason is Scott Grimes.  He was smartly carried over from the first film.  The way you can tell you are watching "Critters 2" is that Scott Grimes is slightly older, slightly wiser, but just as ginger as in the original.  Casting Grimes in the sequel was a stroke of genius because you're not going to not see a movie with Scott Grimes in it.  That's would be crazy. 

Other than Scott Grimes, everything else is just about the same.  Small town people portrayed in an over the top redneck stereotype fashion....check.  Furry little aliens that roll (and by roll I mean are pulled by wires that they don't even attempt to hide) and bite people...check.  Shape-shifting alien bounty hunters with advanced weapons that do zilch to stop the critters so the small town people have to come up with a plan and defeat the little monsters in a folksy manner...double check.  Scott Grimes gets the girl...eww, but check.

You're probably wondering why I chose to review "Critters 2" instead of "Critters".  Normally I would tell you not to think so much because my profiles are about terrible 80's movies.  But today I will share.  The biggest difference between the first and second movies is that part two didn't even try to take itself seriously like the first one did.  I have a lot of respect for terrible filmmakers who realize, and even cherish, that they are making a terrible film.  Also, "Critters 3" and "Critters 4" were just really, really bad and unwatchable.

So if you're in the mood for a really good Sci-Fi/Horror film, watch "Aliens".  If the video store doesn't have that, or "Alien", or "The Terminator", or "T2", or Gremlins 2: The New Batch", or "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" or "Sex And The City 2", you should definitely rent "Critters 2".  No matter what film you choose, make sure you appreciate that you are in one of  only five remaining video stores left in the world.  The best part is that you can go ahead and keep the movie because the video store will most likely be gone within the week.