Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Masters Of The Universe

Boys and girls, today we will be talking about the 1987 film, "Masters of the Universe".  This was the live action movie version of the cartoon, "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe".  If you happened to be a 10 year old boy in 1987 (which I was) this was the must see movie of the year.  The "Academy" decided that "The Last Emperor" was the best film of 1987, but we've rarely been on the same page when it comes to movies.

In this film, He-Man and some of his friends have to travel across the universe to Earth.  There they have to battle evil foes and local law enforcement.  As an added challenge they must also stay clear of the razor sharp chin of a then 37 year old Courtney Cox.  All of your favorites made an appearance in the film.  There was "Gwildor", "Saurod", "Blade", "Karg", and "Carl the Janitor".  I remember that they introduced so many new characters there was a special line of action figures just for the movie.  Buying new toys and spending $3.50 for a movie ticket (a hefty sum back in those days) ensured that every cent of a kids allowance was spent on He-Man related items.

The best part of this movie was casting Dolph Lundgen as "He-Man".  Dolph is a tall, blonde, muscular dude.  It seemed like he was genetically engineered just to play this role.  I bet it's the same laboratory they used to create Katherine Heigl with the one purpose of making horrible movies.  Lundgren was perfect in his portrayal.  He was handy enough with a sword and luckily the dialogue didn't require any heavy lifting.  The one change the movie made to "He-Man" was changing his hairstyle.  In the cartoon he sported a "Dorothy Hamill".  For the movie they updated his do to a more contemporary "feathered mullet".

The movie would not have been complete without "Skeletor".  Frank Langella went pretty big in his portrayal of the villain.  They went low-tech for his costume, which confused me.  I understand that special effects make-up has come a long way since the late 80's.  What I don't understand is why they used what looked like wet toilet paper for his skeleton face.  The mask was so bad I expected the "Scooby Doo" gang to show up and reveal that is was "Old Man Jenkins" all along.  Later in the film they covered "Skeletor" with golden adornments.  I'm thinking they could have cut the elaborate golden headdress budget a little and made his face not look like a dried up bowl of Cream of Wheat.

Earlier I did make fun of all the new characters, but they did include many of the classics.  With the glaring omission of "Skunkor" they managed to squeeze in all of the main goodies and baddies from the cartoon.  In what was probably one of the best decisions about the whole movie, they pretended "Orko" never happened.  He was the magical whatever he was supposed to be from the cartoons.  I think he was equally annoying to the die hard fan and casual watcher.  I'm assuming that with having Courtney Cox in the movie they didn't need another little annoying character.

As far as cartoon, action figure tie-in related movies go, this was a pretty solid film.  It had all the things that a growing 10 year old boy needed.  Here we are 25 years later (yeah I know), and while the movie doesn't dazzle me the way it did back then, it's a nice little escape back to the times when you wore footy pajamas and got up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Critters 2: The Main Course

Today's profile is a real treat.  I will be talking about the classic 1988 film "Critters 2: The Main Course".  I have seen this movie about 30 or 40 times and it gets better every time I...no it's a fairly awful movie, but we will keep going anyways.

The original "Critters" was about little, flesh eating aliens that terrorized a small town.  In a very risky move they strayed from the sure-fire formula of the first film,  "Critters 2" was about a small town that was terrorized by little, flesh eating aliens.  The two ideas are so vastly different that you can barely even call this a sequel.  There were characters common to both films and I think both were set in the same small town.  So there were things that tied these films together.  

In all seriousness, there are very few ways to distinguish the first movie from the second.  It was almost as if they made "Critters 2" as a crappy homage to the already crappy "Critters".  As it turns out, "Critters" was made to capitalize on the popularity of the movie "Gremlins".  So "Critters 2" is a bad copy of a horrible ripoff.  With all of the great things I have said so far I don't why you are still reading this and not on your way to the local video store to rent or buy it. 

There is one guaranteed way to know whether you are watching part one or part two.  That reason is Scott Grimes.  He was smartly carried over from the first film.  The way you can tell you are watching "Critters 2" is that Scott Grimes is slightly older, slightly wiser, but just as ginger as in the original.  Casting Grimes in the sequel was a stroke of genius because you're not going to not see a movie with Scott Grimes in it.  That's would be crazy. 

Other than Scott Grimes, everything else is just about the same.  Small town people portrayed in an over the top redneck stereotype fashion....check.  Furry little aliens that roll (and by roll I mean are pulled by wires that they don't even attempt to hide) and bite people...check.  Shape-shifting alien bounty hunters with advanced weapons that do zilch to stop the critters so the small town people have to come up with a plan and defeat the little monsters in a folksy manner...double check.  Scott Grimes gets the girl...eww, but check.

You're probably wondering why I chose to review "Critters 2" instead of "Critters".  Normally I would tell you not to think so much because my profiles are about terrible 80's movies.  But today I will share.  The biggest difference between the first and second movies is that part two didn't even try to take itself seriously like the first one did.  I have a lot of respect for terrible filmmakers who realize, and even cherish, that they are making a terrible film.  Also, "Critters 3" and "Critters 4" were just really, really bad and unwatchable.

So if you're in the mood for a really good Sci-Fi/Horror film, watch "Aliens".  If the video store doesn't have that, or "Alien", or "The Terminator", or "T2", or Gremlins 2: The New Batch", or "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" or "Sex And The City 2", you should definitely rent "Critters 2".  No matter what film you choose, make sure you appreciate that you are in one of  only five remaining video stores left in the world.  The best part is that you can go ahead and keep the movie because the video store will most likely be gone within the week.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Commando

Well boys and girls, it is once again time for a Profile In Cinematic Greatness.  Today's film is titled "Commando".  Those of you who are not familiar with this 1985 film may think it was the story of a man who didn't wear briefs under his pants, but I assure, this was not the case.  No, this was one of the all-time greats in terms of 80's action movies.  And if you watch closely you may recognize that the lead is none other than former governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  It seems that before he got into politics he dabbled in feature films.  There were many classic Arnold movies, but for my money this was one of his best.  It's no "Junior", but it's pretty good.

This movie started out the way most movies about former special forces members start out, with them trying to live a normal life.  But we all know that if it was the 80's or 90's you didn't put Arnold in a movie about being a normal dad.  Could you imagine if he would have made a movie about being a normal dad doing something like buying a coveted toy for his kid at Christmas?  Anyways, within five minutes into the film his daughter was abducted and he was forced to once again become a "Commando".  There was a lot of punching, shooting, and explosions.  All of this was pretty standard fare for a Schwarzenegger film.  I'd like to tell you why I thought this one was better than most of the rest.

If you were a fan of Arnold's movies, or even if you hated them but watched them for the phenomenal cinematography, you knew that he would use awful tough guy puns.  For this movie he put on a clinic.  I'm not sure that he had any lines in this movie that weren't terrible action movie puns.  I loved every deliciously cheesy syllable of it.  In the course of an average person's life they get maybe 2 or 3 chances to deliver a tough guy line.  My few opportunities I totally blew it and said something like, "Hey, I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that," or, "Let's just cool down and talk about this."  Arnold got the chance to do this about twenty times in this movie and totally nailed it every time. 

Another great thing about this movie was Mr. Schwarzenegger's co-stars.  The female lead in this movie was Rae Dawn Chong.  Rae or Rae Dawn of whatever she goes by, is the daughter of Tommy Chong.  It doesn't matter what era you're in or what kind of film you are making, if you have the chance to land a member of the distinguished Chong family of actors, you just do it.  Her role consisted of a lot of screaming and probably some other stuff too.   Also in the film was a young Alyssa Milano, who portrayed Arnold's daughter.  I'm sure we all remember Milano from her hit TV show "Who's the Boss?" and also from such films as "I Sure Wish Who's the Boss? Was Still On the Air" and "Remember When I Was On Who's the Boss?".  Finally, they had Bill Duke (aka the guy with the coolest gun in the movie "Predator").  Although, I am sure many would have preferred that they cast that sweet, sweet mini-gun from the movie "Predator", Duke really held his own in this movie.

They really pulled out all the stops in terms of the action sequences of this movie.  Let's review the checklist shall we?  Jumping out of a taking off airplane - check.  Throwing a dude off a cliff - check.  Blowing the crap out of barracks filled with mercenary soldiers - double check.  Do you like car chases?  "Commando" had two of them.  Do you like sea planes?  That's a stupid question, everyone likes sea planes, and yeah, they had one of those.  Do you like to see mall security guards get their asses handed to them in a 20 on 1 brawl?  That's two stupid questions in a row and by the way, yeah they had that too.  This movie was a medieval joust away from having every kind of action imaginable. 

So as you can see, this was truly one of the all-time great Schwarzenegger action movies.  As with all of the movies that I think are masterpieces, don't look for a lot of great acting, or brilliantly written scripts, or plausible storylines, or even coherent storylines.  That's why we have Cate Blanchett movies. 

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Maximum Overdrive

The focus of today's profile is the 1986 masterpiece titled "Maximum Overdrive".  It was the directorial debut and final directed film of a man named Stephen King.  The movie was based on a short story written by a man also named Stephen King.  Whether or not they are related is uncertain.  The movie stars the actress Yeardley Smith who, these days, is more often heard and not seen because she is the voice of Lisa Simpson.  The move also stars a young Emilio Estevez who, these days, is neither heard nor seen.  Seriously, where did he go?

So the basic story of this movie was that our planet passed through the tail of a mysterious comet and some machines came to life and turned against the human race.  The film's main focus was on the workers and patrons of "Dixie Boy", a southern truck stop.  Here are some of the things that I felt made this movie great.

This was a serious low-budget movie.  The best part about it is that they embraced the cheesiness of a low-budget movie and totally rolled with it.  There were two scenes that would have easily racked up a sizable special effects budget that they replaced with title cards that just explained what was going on.  To cut some the the vehicle smashing cost they set the movie in the south.  That way they could use old cars that were held together with duct tape and coat hangers and they wouldn't look out of place.

The soundtrack of this film was provided by the Australian rock band AC/DC.   This is a genius choice for a couple of reasons.  The movie is about trucks that come to life and attack humans.  That is what almost all of AC/DC's songs are about anyways so it fits perfectly.  The other reason this is a great choice is that the score of a film has to have some continuity throughout the film using songs with similar musical arrangements to convey different moods.  I'm pretty sure AC/DC is an anagram that stands for all of our songs sound exactly the same.

The final thing that made this a film for the ages was the brilliant character actor Emilio Estevez.  How they even got a big time movie star for such a small film remains a mystery to this day.  My theory is that he was a big star, but he wasn't "Mighty Ducks" big yet.  If this movie had been made ten years later after the Ducks trilogy there would have been no possible way he would be in this movie.  For a real treat listen to his southern accent throughout the film.  It goes from "good 'ol boy" to "I've never even heard of grits" and makes every stop in between.

So here's the deal, this movie is total B-movie cheese.  What separates it from the total crap ones is its watchability.  If you are a fan of the cheesy horror that doesn't take itself even a little seriously genre this movie is totally for you.  If you are not a fan of this genre then maybe go rent whatever movie Kate Hudson just made and never invite me over for movie night.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze

I know what you are thinking.  That this post has a really long title and that is an indication of its epicness.  Well you are half right, this post does have a really long title.  Speaking of titles, our profile of greatness spotlights the 1991 sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II.  The reason that we are not talking about the original film is that this was one of the rare cases that the sequel was superior to the original film.  I will attempt to illustrate why this was the case with the following arguments.

The first thing that makes this a great movie is brought to our attention immediately.  I am, of course, talking about the opening title sequence.  For no particular reason it is a montage of the good people of New York City (or actors portraying the good people of NYC) eating pizza.  It starts off innocent enough, but then ventures into the silly.  There is a scene of a cop handcuffed to a perp and the cop is smashing an oversized slice of New York style thin crust into his gullet.  This would never happen in real life.  And yes, before you ask, I do realize that I am questioning the authenticity of a movie that features turtles that carry swords and kick people.  I really loved how they knew that the movie was so good that they attempted to bring it to a screeching halt before it really started just to show that is was so good it would overcome.

The second thing that makes this movie better than the first one was the lighter mood.  The first one had a very dark feel and had characters that were brooding.  Part two kept pace with a joke or awful pun once every 8.7 seconds.  It was nice that sometime between parts one and two someone took it to the side and reminded it that is was a movie about ninja turtles and to stop taking itself so seriously.  So for the sequel they ditched the raw and gritty for the bright and cheery.  And it's a good thing too because I am a guy who likes his turtles bright and cheery.

The name of the movie says it all, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  In the history of cinema there cannot be more than 10 movies made that feature people in ridiculous animal costumes that practice martial arts.  Outside of the Ninja Turtle movie series there may not be any at all.  I say when you are given a glorious combination like that you enjoy it to the fullest.  I know that maybe turtle masks and martial arts may sound like a strange combo, but I am willing to bet people told Mr Reese the same thing when he thought of chocolate and peanut butter together in a delicious cup.  And those people were wrong....dead wrong. 

My final point is really the cornerstone of my argument of this movie's superiority.  Not just over the original film and the other lame sequels, but over 95% of all other movies ever made.  That point consists of just two words:  Ninja Rap.  The climax of the movie had our heroes battling other large mutants and venturing into a night club.  At this particular club, one Vanilla Ice was doing what was sure to be a sold out performance.  After the initial shock and fear of seeing battling super mutants Mr. Ice begins to find the turtles funky and fresh.  This inspires him to an impromptu performance of rapping and dancing known forever as "Ninja Rap."  Vanilla Ice later trashed his cameo in the movie and called it the low point of his career.  In response to that I say, "Yo Ice have you seen 'Cool as Ice', that is one God awful movie."  For that matter let's look at his smash album "To The Extreme".  Can anyone here name two songs on that album that weren't Ice Ice Baby?  Show of hands?  Anybody?  So maybe we can cool it on pooping on a performance that delighted millions of kids and megadorks like me. 

So there you have it folks, another profile in cinematic greatness.  A wonderful film that covers the gambit of pizza, turtles, ooze, rapping, and ninjaing.  Unfortunately many will write this off a kid's movie with no substance.  But if you look deeper it is much more.  It is a kid's movie with no substance that has a Vanilla Ice cameo.  You have to enjoy the little things people.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Timecop

With the Academy Awards being on Sunday I thought I would write something that could be a regular series (but it probably won't because I am lazy).  I wanted to write about a movie that I thought was great but for some reason was snubbed by all of the award shows that particular year.  The movie I would like to discuss is "Timecop".  This film is from 1994 and was, in my opinion, the jewel in the crown that is Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.  "Timecop" also starred Mia Sara who is known for being Ferris Bueller's girlfriend and absolutely nothing else.

Here are a few reasons I love this movie.

1) It has kicking.  There was no real surprise here, it's a Van Damme movie.  He isn't exactly known for his singing so they kind of had to work to his strengths.

2) It has time travel.  I am a bit of what is known as a Sci-Fi nerd so the travelling through time element appeals to me and my kind.  Not only that, it has this director's vision of what the future will be.  I think the obvious error is that they thought mullets would come back in the future.  I don't care how much time goes by, this will never happen.  On the other hand a flowing mullet (like the one Jean-Claude sports) really puts an exclamation point on a roundhouse kick (see number one). 

3)  Action movie one liners.  In an effort to make films more realistic, action movies these days have for the most part eliminated the action movie one liner.  Since "Timecop" was made in the mid 90's it was in the golden age of bad action movie puns.  Van Damme wasn't quite the master of this that "Ah-nold" was, but this movie definitely had some gems.  After he kicks a bad guy into liquid nitrogen Van Damme says, "I guess I should have told him to freeze."  Genius!!!

4) Van Damme's accent.  One of the greatest things about Jean-Claude Van Damme movies is that they never offer any feasible explanation for his thick accent.  Most of the time his costars even act like they can understand what he is saying.  This is great because we want action and don't have time for the backstory about growing up in Belgium and coming to America to fight crime.  Van Damme never wasted our time with boring crap like that.  He needed all the time he had for splits and kicks.

So if you have a free evening and are in the mood for an actiony sci-fi movie you could do much worse than this one.  Just do me and yourself a favor and go in with lowered expectations.  It's not "The Kings Speech" it's a freaking Van Damme movie.   Enjoy.