A Mall...In The Sky

I just got back from vacation a few weeks ago and had the good fortune of taking a flight to do so.  I don't fly all they time and I got to experience a wonderful thing that you can only get from flying.  No, I'm not talking about the smell of an airplane which is sort of like sweat mixed with the odor of 30 different people's farts.  I'm talking about the Sky Mall catalog.  It's like a regular catalog, but with a Fox attitude (that one's for you Matt).  I love Sky Mall, but I would never order anything from the catalog.  This got me thinking about the kind of person who would.

The main target audience of the Sky Mall catalog is the business person.  A vast majority of the products featured in Sky Mall are for people in sales.  I'm not really sure about how useful some of these products are.  Most of them are just cheap knick knacks with your company's logo printed on them.  I don't have the kind of job that I sell things or listen to sales pitches, but I am pretty sure a light up yo-yo isn't going to make me pay 20% more for a product that is inferior to your competitor's.  Now if you had a plastic harmonica or slide whistle, then we'd be in business. 

I think their ideal customer would be George Clooney's character from the movie "Up In The Air".  He was travelling all of the time for business.  He flew around the country and lived in hotels.  Then a maniac computer hacker took control of a satellite with a laser weapon and it was up to him to save the hostages on the hijacked train.  The movie seemed very disjointed until I remembered that I got bored and switched channels to watch "Under Siege II: Dark Territory".  Classic Seagal.

The next category of Sky Mall customer is the traveller/pet owner.  Whether it's for business or pleasure, if you have to travel and own a pet you probably harbor a ton of pet guilt.  That is why Sky Mall is loaded with products to pamper your pet.  They have dog beds nicer than the one I sleep in and animal clothes made from the finest silks.  I don't know how this is pampering since dogs like to sleep close to feet and HATE wearing clothes.  On the other hand, maybe some of this stuff is for pet haters.  The catalog features kennels, gates, and fences more elaborate than most prisons.  Oddly, they are made from high quality woods that are sanded, stained, and buffed to a high gloss.  So your dog or cat isn't just on "punishment", they are on "fancy punishment".

Everything else in the catalog is just filed under ridiculous.  Some of them are products that nobody in the world would ever need.  For example, does anyone really need a climate controlled cigar humidor...for their bicycle?  The rest of the products boast technologies that I am pretty sure do not even exist yet.  They have a pill that will not only regrow hair, but also help you to remember all 50 states and their capitals.  And they advertise a pillow that always stays cool.  I'm flipping my pillow over every ten minutes like an idiot and the people at Sky Mall are just sitting there laughing at me.  I'm pretty sure that when it comes time to print the new Sky Mall catalog if the don't have enough products to fill the whole thing they just put in things that they dreamt about when they fell asleep watching "Star Trek".

So next time you fly, grab a Sky Mall catalog and leaf through it.  I promise you it will be 3-4 of the more entertaining minutes you will have during your flight.  Then after you land, take the catalog with you.  It's not stealing, it says you can take it right on the front.  Then later in the day, call the toll free number listed.  You don't have to order anything, but I think it would be nice for you to talk to one of the bored and lonely Sky Mall customer service representatives.  Listen politely to all of their stories about their cats, then hang up and go about your business.  A little kindness goes a long way.