One And A Half Men And A Vatican Assassin Warlock (And A Pizza Place)

I really wrestled with the idea of whether or not I would write about Charlie Sheen.  I know there hasn't been all that much said about and by him in the last week, so my two cents is really necessary at this point.  But I figured what the hell, maybe he will even read it and comment on it. 

Wow, I'm not really sure where to even start with this.  It's not like Charlie Sheen has been on the level for the last 15 or 20 years.  He's sort of been into some shady things for a long time.  We all remember when he was involved with that prostitute years ago.  Speaking of her I wonder if she'll do another season of Denise Richards:  It's Complicated.  Anyways, for such a long time he has been a controlled fire.  It was burning, but nobody was getting hurt by it.  Sure there were occasional flare ups like choking out his wife or coke binges with porn stars, but the fire department was always there to make sure it was under control again quickly.  Then, about a week ago someone doused the fire with gasoline and it won't go out.  I think I've taken this fire analogy about as far as it will go. 

Here is just a sampling of some of my favorite quotes over the last few days.  There are waaaayyy too many to put them all.

 "I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."
"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body."
"I blinked and I cured my brain, that's how. Everybody has the power."
"I'm proud of what I've created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic."
"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like you know, droopy eyes armless children."
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

OK, that last one was Steven Wright, but still pretty crazy.

We've all seen celebrity meltdowns before, this is nothing new.  What is shocking about this is that it seems like he is at a dead sprint to end his career.  Seriously, how can he recover from this?  It's not like he can say it was all a hoax and that Ben Affleck's little brother is filming it for a documentary.  On a side note, I wonder if Joaquin Phoenix is at home arm chair quarterbacking Sheen's meltdown.  He is probably yelling at his TV, "You didn't even grow an unkempt beard you amateur!"  It's like Charlie Sheen just wants all of it to be over and done.  It's a shame too because if the show ends, what will the kid who plays the half man do now that he has outgrown his cuteness?  And Jon Cryer, I don't think a sequel or prequel to "Pretty in Pink" is in the works.  Also, if Charlie Sheen is done with acting, that follow up to "Major League: Back to the Minors"... not going to happen folks.

Everyone has been having a good time with the unbridled crazy that is Charlie Sheen, but in all seriousness, I hope he gets help. There aren't any rehab techniques for kicking a nasty Charlie Sheen habit, but they do alright with cocaine and methamphetamine.  Maybe if you zero in on those ones first the addiction to Charlie Sheen will work itself out.  In the meantime someone get him to stop doing interviews.  I think they used a soundbite about tiger blood on Jeopardy! the other night.