An Open Letter To Paranormal Activity 3

Dear Paranormal Activity 3,

I'd like to start off by saying that I really enjoyed the 1st two installments of your franchise.  Paranormal Activity was delightfully chilling and a nice change of pace from the other horror movies at the time (we both know I'm talking about Saw's 3 through 17).  I had my doubts about Paranormal Activity 2, but I watched it and for the most part, my doubts were laid to rest.

Those things being said, you probably noticed my absence during your theatrical run.  I'll come clean and admit that yes, I was avoiding you intentionally.  It's hard to determine whether or not you would have still lost out to Puss in Boots at the box office had I come to support you.  Regardless of my feelings about you, nobody deserves that.  You're probably wondering why it has taken me this long to write to you.  With your DVD release coming soon, there were some things that you needed to know.

I understand that you are angry with me, but please give me a chance to explain.  It's not you, it's me.  I'm sure you are a very adequate film, I've read reviews that said so.  The thing that you have to understand is that I've been hurt in the past by horror franchise sequels.  Even though a lot of time has past, the pain I feel because of Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 is still with me.  I'm not quite sure any amount of time can heal that hurt.  I mentioned the Saw films earlier.  Every year I met a new one, and I was more disappointed each time.

I think I can trace this cycle of hurt back to three of my first loves: Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street.  I loved these movies very much and was repaid with the betrayal of the ridiculous and seemingly endless parade of sequels.  When I watched Freddy vs. Jason, I died a little on the inside.  Then there were the remakes.  I just don't know if I will ever be able to forgive the remakes.  They cut me very deep and that wound will probably never heal.

After reading this letter, you may or may not still be mad at me.  I'm ok with it if you are still mad.  I just wanted a chance to explain myself.  Maybe there is a chance that when you do come out of DVD I will be able to watch you.  But because of my trust issues with horror film sequels, you'll understand if I use a free Redbox rental to do it.  Maybe one day I will resolve my issues and I'll buy you as part of a Blu-Ray box set.  Until that day, I think it's best for both of us if we each just go our separate ways.

Warmest Regards,
Jason

P.S.  They announced Paranormal Activity 4.  Do the right thing.  If not for me, do it for yourself.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Masters Of The Universe

Boys and girls, today we will be talking about the 1987 film, "Masters of the Universe".  This was the live action movie version of the cartoon, "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe".  If you happened to be a 10 year old boy in 1987 (which I was) this was the must see movie of the year.  The "Academy" decided that "The Last Emperor" was the best film of 1987, but we've rarely been on the same page when it comes to movies.

In this film, He-Man and some of his friends have to travel across the universe to Earth.  There they have to battle evil foes and local law enforcement.  As an added challenge they must also stay clear of the razor sharp chin of a then 37 year old Courtney Cox.  All of your favorites made an appearance in the film.  There was "Gwildor", "Saurod", "Blade", "Karg", and "Carl the Janitor".  I remember that they introduced so many new characters there was a special line of action figures just for the movie.  Buying new toys and spending $3.50 for a movie ticket (a hefty sum back in those days) ensured that every cent of a kids allowance was spent on He-Man related items.

The best part of this movie was casting Dolph Lundgen as "He-Man".  Dolph is a tall, blonde, muscular dude.  It seemed like he was genetically engineered just to play this role.  I bet it's the same laboratory they used to create Katherine Heigl with the one purpose of making horrible movies.  Lundgren was perfect in his portrayal.  He was handy enough with a sword and luckily the dialogue didn't require any heavy lifting.  The one change the movie made to "He-Man" was changing his hairstyle.  In the cartoon he sported a "Dorothy Hamill".  For the movie they updated his do to a more contemporary "feathered mullet".

The movie would not have been complete without "Skeletor".  Frank Langella went pretty big in his portrayal of the villain.  They went low-tech for his costume, which confused me.  I understand that special effects make-up has come a long way since the late 80's.  What I don't understand is why they used what looked like wet toilet paper for his skeleton face.  The mask was so bad I expected the "Scooby Doo" gang to show up and reveal that is was "Old Man Jenkins" all along.  Later in the film they covered "Skeletor" with golden adornments.  I'm thinking they could have cut the elaborate golden headdress budget a little and made his face not look like a dried up bowl of Cream of Wheat.

Earlier I did make fun of all the new characters, but they did include many of the classics.  With the glaring omission of "Skunkor" they managed to squeeze in all of the main goodies and baddies from the cartoon.  In what was probably one of the best decisions about the whole movie, they pretended "Orko" never happened.  He was the magical whatever he was supposed to be from the cartoons.  I think he was equally annoying to the die hard fan and casual watcher.  I'm assuming that with having Courtney Cox in the movie they didn't need another little annoying character.

As far as cartoon, action figure tie-in related movies go, this was a pretty solid film.  It had all the things that a growing 10 year old boy needed.  Here we are 25 years later (yeah I know), and while the movie doesn't dazzle me the way it did back then, it's a nice little escape back to the times when you wore footy pajamas and got up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons.