Twitter: A Look Back

Tonight we are here to honor a very special and distinguished guest.  Ladies and gentleman I present to you my often neglected Twitter account.  Like most of the other social media, I have grown bored of "tweeting".  There are many reasons for this, but I think it's mostly because it's called "tweeting".  Tonight I'd like to take a look back at the Twitter account that most of you didn't even know existed (and probably for good reason) by sharing some of my favorite "tweets" with you. 

 Is it me or does Tango and Cash get better everytime you watch it?

 Someday there will be world peace. Until then, we'll have to settle for tacos.

Is there anyone out there who would be even a little surprised if we found out Nicki Minaj was made entirely of cake frosting?

I don't usually do this but you should follow @Metamucil that dude is hilarious.

My dental hygienist was concerned that my gums were bleeding. You just poked it with sharp metal, that just means I'm not a robot.

I love cats, my favorite color is brown, and I never learned to count. #20ThingsAboutMe

I just watched The Avengers and SPOILER ALERT, the milk in the back of your fridge just expired.

At this point I'd like to interject that I said these were my favorite "tweets".  I never made any promises about them being funny or interesting.  Now back to the "tweets" (ugh).

I'm thinking of opening a second Twitter account just for all of my tweets about ham.

Hey Jessie J, I don't like the Katy Perry I have now. What makes you think I want another one?

They say the greatest gift you can give is the sound of a child's laughter. Cash is also a good gift.

If I ever win the lottery I'm going to have Jason Statham on call to roundhouse people that cross me.

Pizza rolls, if you really think the words "family size" are going to stop me from eating a whole bag of you, you don't know me at all.

If I had a show on The Food Network I'd just crack open pistachios for 30 minutes straight.

I think I'm going to eat all the Easter candy I bought for my kids and next week just tell them the Easter bunny is an asshole.

Did I mention that THE Scott Grimes is following me on Twitter?

The Leprechaun marathon on SyFy makes sense for St. Patty's. The Die Hard marathon on AMC not so much.

I wish Snooki would stop jerking us around and announce that she's running for president.

I really hope the FCC does us all a solid at the SuperBowl halftime show and uses those black censor bars on Madonna's gross arms.

I sleep better at night knowing that somewhere out there, Danny Glover is watching over us.

The best part of my weekend is the fact that I rarely bump into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Sometimes I daydream about being a NASCAR driver. Then I come back to earth when I remember my SAT scores were nowhere near high enough.

You know who really grinds my gears? People who do dumb stuff for Klondike Bars. They sell them in every store geniuses!

That probably isn't all of my favorite "tweets", but I really don't feel like looking at Twitter anymore right now.  Maybe if more than 6 people read this blog I will dig up some more.  Until then, I think this leaves you with a pretty clear picture at how ridiculous my sense of humor is.