No Helen, I Did NOT watch Downton Abbey Last Night

I've never seen an episode of Downton Abbey.  I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.

When it seems like the whole world is head over heels about something, it's a pretty good indicator that I am going to hate it.  It's not because I'm unique. I'm definitely not a trend setter. The main reason is that I'm kind of an asshole.  I avoid all activities that will ensure "water cooler talk" the next day. So when Helen from accounts payable (yeah the same Helen from the title) asks me if I watched Downton Abbey last night, the excruciating conversation that could possibly follow is averted with a simple "no".

Downton Abbey is actually a special case of this because my lack of viewership is not just because of my social awkwardness.  If you tell me to give it a chance and I do, I have a hunch that I will hate it...and then I will hate you.  Here are a few of my reasons why.

From what I've gathered in all of the non-stop blabbering about the show it seems like people are watching it ironically.  Doing anything ironically is an idiotic activity.  I barely have enough time to watch TV shows that I actually like.  Who are these douchebags that have so much spare time that they can watch boring crap just to make fun of it?

Now many of you will tell me that you actually like the show.  This makes me very suspicious.  I get the feeling that many people watch the show because they are afraid to be one of the people who don't watch the show (see also Mad Men and The Walking Dead).  Watching a show out of fear of not being one of the "cool kids" is probably just about the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Another reason I am dubious of big fans of the show is because it is British.  I am American and my experience with things from across the pond is that they are an acquired taste.  The biggest Monty Python fans admittedly hate a vast majority of their stuff.  And if you site Austin Powers as an example, I will slap you.  I have a little test you can take to determine if you really enjoy British entertainment or are just a pathetic follower trying to be cool.  Answers these three questions:

1) Do you like British entertainment?
2) Really?
3) Looks at you over the top of my glasses Really?

If you answered no to any of these questions you don't actually enjoy all things British.

My biggest reason for never watching the show is this lady.  I don't know what her character's name is.  I'm sure it's something like Dame Victoria Penderwash or Madam Eugenia Rigglesmith.  It really doesn't matter because all I ever hear about it how she's sooooo funny.  Her dry wit is so hilarious.  Dry wit is like a dry steak or a dry punch to the throat...not good.  I've even heard people talk about how sexy she is.  And they are right on the money.

So watch your Downton Abbey and "enjoy" it, just leave me out of it.  I have better things to do like avoiding direct eye contact and rehearsing my awkward urinal banter.