I Heart YouTube

There are a number of activities in which I use the internet.  These activities include watching my online stock portfolio, checking Ke$ha's tour schedule, and posting my Strawberry Shortcake fan fiction.  Oh yeah, don't forget the nonsense I write here.  While all of these things provide a certain level of happiness, nothing comes close to the joy that I get watching videos on YouTube.  I watch a lot of videos, but they can be broken down into these four categories.

The thing that I use YouTube for the most is looking at music videos.  Sometimes you have to hear a song right away.  Then you realize that you're too cheap to download it from iTunes.  Then you realize you aren't cheap afterall, "Rump Shaker" by Wrecks-N-Effect isn't quite worth 99 cents.  I just head to YouTube and search for all my favorite jams.  Due to the number of butts in the "Rump Shaker" video I decided to post something a little more family friendly.

The next category of videos that I like to look at is called random bullcrap.  This category really covers a lot of ground.  Maybe I might find a local television commercial that has good intentions but really just comes across as racist.  Maybe I might find a really cool clip of Super Mario Brothers auto-tuned (way cooler than it sounds).  Or maybe I might find something like this:

Ever since I was a kid I have enjoyed the kind of humor that came at other people's expense.  I would just laugh for hours when my little brothers would "fall down".  So it's no surprise that I love videos of people getting hurt doing really dumb things.  And believe me when I tell you that you can see someone getting seriously injured doing ANYTHING.  All you have to do is go to the search bar, type in any activity you could possibly think of plus the word fail.  Then just sit back and enjoy.

The final category of YouTube videos that I love is cute cats.  Actually I am just kidding (as far as you know).  The popularity and sheer volume of cute cat clips actually baffles me.  I am a cat owner so I have no beef with the felines, but what is the appeal?  There are just hours and hours of videos of cats on YouTube.  Each video will have a minimum of 13 million views.  If someone can explain what would make you want to watch cat videos all day, everyday, I'd like to know.

So, if you're like me and are always needing new ways to put off doing things that are actually valuable uses of your time, look no further than YouTube.  You'll laugh, you'll cringe, and most important you'll get down to the sweet sounds of R&B from the 80's and 90's.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Commando

Well boys and girls, it is once again time for a Profile In Cinematic Greatness.  Today's film is titled "Commando".  Those of you who are not familiar with this 1985 film may think it was the story of a man who didn't wear briefs under his pants, but I assure, this was not the case.  No, this was one of the all-time greats in terms of 80's action movies.  And if you watch closely you may recognize that the lead is none other than former governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  It seems that before he got into politics he dabbled in feature films.  There were many classic Arnold movies, but for my money this was one of his best.  It's no "Junior", but it's pretty good.

This movie started out the way most movies about former special forces members start out, with them trying to live a normal life.  But we all know that if it was the 80's or 90's you didn't put Arnold in a movie about being a normal dad.  Could you imagine if he would have made a movie about being a normal dad doing something like buying a coveted toy for his kid at Christmas?  Anyways, within five minutes into the film his daughter was abducted and he was forced to once again become a "Commando".  There was a lot of punching, shooting, and explosions.  All of this was pretty standard fare for a Schwarzenegger film.  I'd like to tell you why I thought this one was better than most of the rest.

If you were a fan of Arnold's movies, or even if you hated them but watched them for the phenomenal cinematography, you knew that he would use awful tough guy puns.  For this movie he put on a clinic.  I'm not sure that he had any lines in this movie that weren't terrible action movie puns.  I loved every deliciously cheesy syllable of it.  In the course of an average person's life they get maybe 2 or 3 chances to deliver a tough guy line.  My few opportunities I totally blew it and said something like, "Hey, I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that," or, "Let's just cool down and talk about this."  Arnold got the chance to do this about twenty times in this movie and totally nailed it every time. 

Another great thing about this movie was Mr. Schwarzenegger's co-stars.  The female lead in this movie was Rae Dawn Chong.  Rae or Rae Dawn of whatever she goes by, is the daughter of Tommy Chong.  It doesn't matter what era you're in or what kind of film you are making, if you have the chance to land a member of the distinguished Chong family of actors, you just do it.  Her role consisted of a lot of screaming and probably some other stuff too.   Also in the film was a young Alyssa Milano, who portrayed Arnold's daughter.  I'm sure we all remember Milano from her hit TV show "Who's the Boss?" and also from such films as "I Sure Wish Who's the Boss? Was Still On the Air" and "Remember When I Was On Who's the Boss?".  Finally, they had Bill Duke (aka the guy with the coolest gun in the movie "Predator").  Although, I am sure many would have preferred that they cast that sweet, sweet mini-gun from the movie "Predator", Duke really held his own in this movie.

They really pulled out all the stops in terms of the action sequences of this movie.  Let's review the checklist shall we?  Jumping out of a taking off airplane - check.  Throwing a dude off a cliff - check.  Blowing the crap out of barracks filled with mercenary soldiers - double check.  Do you like car chases?  "Commando" had two of them.  Do you like sea planes?  That's a stupid question, everyone likes sea planes, and yeah, they had one of those.  Do you like to see mall security guards get their asses handed to them in a 20 on 1 brawl?  That's two stupid questions in a row and by the way, yeah they had that too.  This movie was a medieval joust away from having every kind of action imaginable. 

So as you can see, this was truly one of the all-time great Schwarzenegger action movies.  As with all of the movies that I think are masterpieces, don't look for a lot of great acting, or brilliantly written scripts, or plausible storylines, or even coherent storylines.  That's why we have Cate Blanchett movies. 

A Mall...In The Sky

I just got back from vacation a few weeks ago and had the good fortune of taking a flight to do so.  I don't fly all they time and I got to experience a wonderful thing that you can only get from flying.  No, I'm not talking about the smell of an airplane which is sort of like sweat mixed with the odor of 30 different people's farts.  I'm talking about the Sky Mall catalog.  It's like a regular catalog, but with a Fox attitude (that one's for you Matt).  I love Sky Mall, but I would never order anything from the catalog.  This got me thinking about the kind of person who would.

The main target audience of the Sky Mall catalog is the business person.  A vast majority of the products featured in Sky Mall are for people in sales.  I'm not really sure about how useful some of these products are.  Most of them are just cheap knick knacks with your company's logo printed on them.  I don't have the kind of job that I sell things or listen to sales pitches, but I am pretty sure a light up yo-yo isn't going to make me pay 20% more for a product that is inferior to your competitor's.  Now if you had a plastic harmonica or slide whistle, then we'd be in business. 

I think their ideal customer would be George Clooney's character from the movie "Up In The Air".  He was travelling all of the time for business.  He flew around the country and lived in hotels.  Then a maniac computer hacker took control of a satellite with a laser weapon and it was up to him to save the hostages on the hijacked train.  The movie seemed very disjointed until I remembered that I got bored and switched channels to watch "Under Siege II: Dark Territory".  Classic Seagal.

The next category of Sky Mall customer is the traveller/pet owner.  Whether it's for business or pleasure, if you have to travel and own a pet you probably harbor a ton of pet guilt.  That is why Sky Mall is loaded with products to pamper your pet.  They have dog beds nicer than the one I sleep in and animal clothes made from the finest silks.  I don't know how this is pampering since dogs like to sleep close to feet and HATE wearing clothes.  On the other hand, maybe some of this stuff is for pet haters.  The catalog features kennels, gates, and fences more elaborate than most prisons.  Oddly, they are made from high quality woods that are sanded, stained, and buffed to a high gloss.  So your dog or cat isn't just on "punishment", they are on "fancy punishment".

Everything else in the catalog is just filed under ridiculous.  Some of them are products that nobody in the world would ever need.  For example, does anyone really need a climate controlled cigar humidor...for their bicycle?  The rest of the products boast technologies that I am pretty sure do not even exist yet.  They have a pill that will not only regrow hair, but also help you to remember all 50 states and their capitals.  And they advertise a pillow that always stays cool.  I'm flipping my pillow over every ten minutes like an idiot and the people at Sky Mall are just sitting there laughing at me.  I'm pretty sure that when it comes time to print the new Sky Mall catalog if the don't have enough products to fill the whole thing they just put in things that they dreamt about when they fell asleep watching "Star Trek".

So next time you fly, grab a Sky Mall catalog and leaf through it.  I promise you it will be 3-4 of the more entertaining minutes you will have during your flight.  Then after you land, take the catalog with you.  It's not stealing, it says you can take it right on the front.  Then later in the day, call the toll free number listed.  You don't have to order anything, but I think it would be nice for you to talk to one of the bored and lonely Sky Mall customer service representatives.  Listen politely to all of their stories about their cats, then hang up and go about your business.  A little kindness goes a long way.