Really? 2: The Electric Boogaloo

If you take a spin around your television dial, it is unlikely that you will go more than about three channels before you come across what is called a reality television show.  For those of you who do not know what a reality television show is, I have really missed you since you left our planet.  As these shows are so abundant on our televisions, there are actually genres of reality TV.  There are actually more genres than you might think such as multiple birth families and aging rapper dating/sexual misconduct just to name a few.  Today I would like to talk about the occupational reality television show genre.

There are dozens of reality shows that feature a person or people doing a particular job.  Some are very good, like The Deadliest Catch, which deals with the very dangerous occupation of fishing in Arctic waters for crab, and some are Cupcake Wars.  There are bounty hunters, exterminators, pawn shop owners, dog whisperers, horse whisperers, and ghost whisperers.  It has come to my attention that there is now a show on The Food Network called "Ice Brigade" about the occupation of ice sculpting in Michigan.  Really?

I want to say right off the bat that I have nothing against ice sculpting or ice sculptors.  That stuff is magical.  That scene in "Edward Scissorhands" when he is carving ice with his scissor hands and making it snow on Winona Ryder teleports me to a place where nothing bad will ever happen.  But in the instances where I have seen an ice sculpture or had the sheer delight of witnessing one being created I have never been curious about how the artist gets along with their spouse or kids.  I have never once interrupted a carving of a giant frozen trout to ask the artist to tell me about a day when things got so crazy back at the ice sculpting office that they had to say, "Hey gang, lets all just take a little time out and get it together."

Who was asking for this show?  Does the average person even know that these things are sculpted by a person and not just pulled out of some old lady's freezer and extracted from an enormous bear-shaped ice cube tray?  Another thing that bothers me about Ice Brigade is that it features a self-described group of ice sculpting renegades.  Are there renegades in the ice sculpting community?  Apparently the answer is yes.  I'm not really sure what you would do to be labeled a renegade.  As far as I can tell there are two requirements to be an ice sculptor:  use ice and make it look like something.  I think if you go against either of these conventions, ice sculptor should not be what is printed on your business card.

I'm not really fired up because there is a show about ice sculpting.  I am concerned because I see no end in sight for these types of shows.  Each one gets just a little bit less interesting.  Finally we will be left watching a show about the hustle and bustle in the high stakes world of insurance adjusters (at least what they are allowed to show on TV). 

That's What She Said

Thursday night on NBC there is a little show called "The Office".  This happens to be one of my favorite shows and is so good that I understand they are totally ripping it off over in England (or something like that).  It was announced a long time ago that this would be the last season of the show with Steve Carell as Michael Scott.  Another announcement indicated that next month would feature his very last show.  While his departure saddens me deeply, my beef is not with Carell.  He wants to make the big bucks in movies, I can't be mad at him for that.  And I have a feeling that unlike all the Caruso's and Gandolfini's before him, this kid might just make it.  No my disgust lies with the show itself for not ending with his departure.

Now some will argue that Steve Carell is not the whole show.  There are many other delightful characters.  My friends, you are preaching to the choir.  I couldn't agree more.  But it is ALL of these wonderful parts that make the whole.  Plus, he is kind of the main character.  People will notice he is gone.  If Creed or Meredith were gone, it would probably take you about 4 or 5 shows to figure out that they aren't there.  As a matter of fact they probably do go missing for shows at a time and I bet you don't notice. 

Many will say, "What is the harm in keeping the show going?  They aren't hurting anyone."  I'd like to tell you a story about a little show called "Scrubs".  This was a wonderful show full of lovable hilarious characters.  The problem with this show is that its network hated it.  They tried everything they possibly could to get this show cancelled.  They tried time slot changes, air date changes, even network changes, but they couldn't sink this plucky little show.  It was just too damn good.  I can hear you saying, "If this show was as good as you say it was, why aren't we still watching it except for at random times on a Saturday afternoon on basic cable?"  I will tell you why my friends, they kept it going after the main character left the show.  Was he the only character?  Nope.  Was he always the funniest?  Not even close (see "The Todd").  But if you mess with the formula you will get burnt every time.  To this day, that final season of "Scrubs" haunts my dreams and destroys my memories of the good times I had watching that show.

Let me put it to you another way.  Let's say that one day McDonald's made an announcement that they were going to stop serving sandwiches at all of their fine establishments.  They were going to keep the chain going on the strength of their other menu items like the new oatmeal that I am sure is so popular that it is just flying out of the drive thru windows.  Now I want to be the first to say I love some of the other menu items.  The fries are top notch and this month's milkshake, The Shamrock Shake, is phenomenal.  But, how long would it take for them to have to shut it down due to lack of interest?  Yes, people order salads from McDonald's, but it's only after they've ordered so many Big Macs that their pants don't fit anymore.  And I am talking about their sweatpants.  So if The Quarter Pounder with Cheese left to make feature films, they wouldn't promote McDonaldland Cookies to boss of the office and hope they would be alright, McDonald's would close the doors. 

So NBC, I beg you, please do not poo all over the legacy of such a fine show by keeping it going.  Let it end with some dignity.  Sadly, my cries will not be heard and the show will undoubtedly go on and become a limp lifeless form that once stood tall.  That's what she said...that's what she said indeed.

One And A Half Men And A Vatican Assassin Warlock (And A Pizza Place)

I really wrestled with the idea of whether or not I would write about Charlie Sheen.  I know there hasn't been all that much said about and by him in the last week, so my two cents is really necessary at this point.  But I figured what the hell, maybe he will even read it and comment on it. 

Wow, I'm not really sure where to even start with this.  It's not like Charlie Sheen has been on the level for the last 15 or 20 years.  He's sort of been into some shady things for a long time.  We all remember when he was involved with that prostitute years ago.  Speaking of her I wonder if she'll do another season of Denise Richards:  It's Complicated.  Anyways, for such a long time he has been a controlled fire.  It was burning, but nobody was getting hurt by it.  Sure there were occasional flare ups like choking out his wife or coke binges with porn stars, but the fire department was always there to make sure it was under control again quickly.  Then, about a week ago someone doused the fire with gasoline and it won't go out.  I think I've taken this fire analogy about as far as it will go. 

Here is just a sampling of some of my favorite quotes over the last few days.  There are waaaayyy too many to put them all.

 "I'm tired of pretending like I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending like I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars."
"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available, because if you try it once, you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body."
"I blinked and I cured my brain, that's how. Everybody has the power."
"I'm proud of what I've created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic."
"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them just look like you know, droopy eyes armless children."
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."

OK, that last one was Steven Wright, but still pretty crazy.

We've all seen celebrity meltdowns before, this is nothing new.  What is shocking about this is that it seems like he is at a dead sprint to end his career.  Seriously, how can he recover from this?  It's not like he can say it was all a hoax and that Ben Affleck's little brother is filming it for a documentary.  On a side note, I wonder if Joaquin Phoenix is at home arm chair quarterbacking Sheen's meltdown.  He is probably yelling at his TV, "You didn't even grow an unkempt beard you amateur!"  It's like Charlie Sheen just wants all of it to be over and done.  It's a shame too because if the show ends, what will the kid who plays the half man do now that he has outgrown his cuteness?  And Jon Cryer, I don't think a sequel or prequel to "Pretty in Pink" is in the works.  Also, if Charlie Sheen is done with acting, that follow up to "Major League: Back to the Minors"... not going to happen folks.

Everyone has been having a good time with the unbridled crazy that is Charlie Sheen, but in all seriousness, I hope he gets help. There aren't any rehab techniques for kicking a nasty Charlie Sheen habit, but they do alright with cocaine and methamphetamine.  Maybe if you zero in on those ones first the addiction to Charlie Sheen will work itself out.  In the meantime someone get him to stop doing interviews.  I think they used a soundbite about tiger blood on Jeopardy! the other night.