Pants!

We are officially into the month of October which means autumn is in full swing now.  This time of year takes people's minds to many different places.  Some people think of the harvest season.  Others may think of the leaves on the trees changing colors.  I think about it as the time of the year when I have to put away my shorts and start wearing long pants.  In this crazy, mixed-up world there are many choices when it come to pants.  Since many of you know I am a bit of a fashionista, I will attempt to guide you through this veritable forest of pants to help you make the right choice.  One note in passing, I know zilch about women's fashion so this one is for the guys.  Don't worry ladies, I didn't forget about you.  Here is a picture of a probably expensive shoe...enjoy.

The first type of pants I would like to talk about are skinny jeans.  Depending on your build this can either be a fashion home run or a fashion fall on your face while walking to home plate.  If you are a slender man, skinny jeans are very key to a cooler weather wardrobe.  But how do you know if you are slender enough to pull them off (or should I say pull them on)?  My rule of thumb is when another person sees you in them if they are reminded to not let the kielbasa they have in the microwave explode, you may want to find a denim alternative.  Personally, I don't wear skinny jeans cuz my nuts don't fit (much to the dismay of Jay-Z and my wife I will never stop saying that). 

Another way to go when it comes to pants is cargo pants.  While this may seem like a very useful pair of pants, I've always thought of cargo pants as a damned if you do, damned if you don't trouser option.  If someone sees you wearing cargo pants and the pockets are flat and unused they think of you as a person who wastes valuable cargo space.  On the other hand, if you are in public with the cargo pockets bulging from the vast payload, people instinctively call the police (as they should).  I would say unless you are a safari tour guide or a fly-fishing enthusiast, wear cargo pants at your own risk.

I hesitate to even list this as an option but lets talk for a second about leather pants.  Unless you are a member of Motley Crue, don't.   Bup-bup-bup...trust me, just don't.

The next category of pants are anything that can appropriately be referred to as "slacks" or "trousers".  This type of pants would consist mainly of what you would find at The Gap or Banana Republic.  These are very sensible pants.  They tell everyone that you are responsible and that you don't have to post date the check for the gas bill.  You can walk tall with a sense of pride because you have it "going on".  The obvious drawback to trousers and slacks is the price.  Nothing can ruin feeling like a million bucks like ruining your pricey pants with one ill-advised order of sloppy nachos.  Make sure to pick your spots with this type of pants.

Athletic pants, such as sweatpants or warm up pants, are great for working out or for a non-verbal way of telling the world you just don't give a damn anymore.  When you see a man with sweatpants on at the grocery store and he has a shopping cart full of canned chili, you don't even need to ask it it's for chili party.  Well to be fair, it probably is for a chili party, just the very, very sad kind.  Maybe you have a great idea for a new business and you go to the bank for some start up money.  It's a pretty safe bet that the man in sweatpants in line ahead of you is not going to beat you to the punch.  I don't want you to think I am anti-sweatpants.  If used properly they are essential to a man's wardrobe.  If you see someone at the gym on a treadmill wearing a pair of jeans, again, you instinctively (and correctly) call the police. 

I guess the moral of the story is there is no one right or wrong pair of pants to wear when the weather gets cooler.  Let me rephrase that.  With the exception of jeggings (which are all kinds of wrong), there is no one right or wrong pair of pants to wear.  My experience is that men have a natural instinct when if comes to what kind of pants to wear on what occasion.  All we have to do is learn to do the exact opposite of that instinct and we will be dressed just fine.