Lift The Lockout

Whether you are a casual or hardcore fan of football you are probably aware of the lockout.  The owners have banned players from facilities, teams cannot officially meet or practice, and much more legal mumbo jumbo.  The lockout has raised many questions about not only the upcoming season, but about the future of the NFL.  Will there be a 2011 season?  Why should we support a sport that has millionaires bickering with billionaires about money?  If there is no season does that technically mean the Cleveland Browns are in a 32-way tie for first place and should go ahead and build a trophy case? 

The general consensus about the lockout is that it is all about money.  Both owners and players want more of it and they want the other party to have less of it.  While this is primarily the truth, it turns out that both sides have other sticking points that they just won't budge on.  Today I will share some of these with you.

What The Players Want

- Seek to eliminate the remaining 2% of commercials that air during NFL broadcasts that do not feature Peyton Manning.
- Want their ICY/HOT to be slightly icier and just a little less hot.
- Want healthcare to include treatment for locker room towel snapping injuries.
- Uniforms that don't make their asses look fat.
- Structured pay scale system that would pay them for each Twitter post.
- Roster spot for a gypsy to protect players from "The Madden Cover Curse".
- If the season is to be increased by two games instead of playing football games the winner would be determined by a double elimination darts tourney.

What The Owners Want

- Head of the line privileges for all stadium hot dog concessions with an additional no questions asked policy about spicy brown mustard usage.
- Use of the football fields on non-football days for laser tag matches with other owners.
- Want to be permitted to shower with the players after games. 
- Instead of stricter league policy regarding protecting players with concussions teams must use only players with concussions.
- After a three week waiting period any unclaimed item in the stadium lost and found becomes property of the owner.
- More stringent testing and harsher punishments for performance enhancing drugs for players.  Mascots not so much.

So who knows if an agreement can be reached between players and owners before the NFL season starts.  And if the season does start on time will fans be left soured on the sport of football.  I do know one thing that both parties can agree upon is that Fergie is not to be invited back for another Super Bowl halftime show.

Just Because

So today is a crappy weather Monday and those types of days have on occasion brought me down.  It is not always a Monday or crappy weather that puts me in a funk, but I do get there sometimes.  No matter how I get to that place there is one sure fire thing that will always, and I mean always, put me in a better mood.  I thought about keeping this magical wonder cure to myself but decided to share it with my closest friends (and complete strangers who stumble upon this blog randomly).

Feast your eyes on the magic that is Leonard Nimoy singing about Bilbo Baggins.

If you are not happy after seeing this then I am sorry my friend, but your heart is made of pure stone.  Wait, I know what the problem is, you aren't a Spock person.  Well if that is that case I have just the thing for you.

Those are two sure-fire mood fixers.  If they don't do the trick then all I can say is that you are a robot.  So enjoy your Monday and I hope these put a smile on your face.  Besides, it's not like Tuesdays are a whole hell of a lot better.

I'm With The Band

I've never been in a band unless you count back in junior high when I pretended to play the trombone for the marching band.  And no, that is not a euphemism for anything, I literally pretended to play the trombone.  That is a story for another time.  What I am getting at is that I would love to be in a band, lots of bands actually, but not in the way you would think.

Sure, the obvious choice for being in a band would be to play an instrument or sing.  I have no desire to do either of these things.  My only proficiency in playing a musical instrument is cowbell and even that I am told I am amateur at best.  My singing voice is really only suited for polka so that would be extremely limiting.  Yes, there are other "members" of bands such as roadies or tour bus driver, but those positions have the sex appeal of stuck to the underside of table gum.  I have my sights set on the position of band namer.

I've already discussed my musical ability and when it comes to band promotion you would be on your own.  Where I come in is at the point when all the members are assembled and you are ready to book a gig.  Up to that point my area of expertise would not be needed as all bands then are named "Losers In A Garage".  Once you are ready to perform for people that aren't your 12 year old sister and your 12 year old sister's two awkward friends you need a name.  You need a cool name.  That's where I come in.  Here is just a sampling of my genius when it comes to naming bands.

Mail Order Sombrero
Table For Won
Rick
Sexy For My Cat (Right Said Fred tribute bands only)
The Sleets
Able-Bodied Toddler
Gordon Bellamy and The Alliance (need to be named Gordon Bellamy or willing to legally change name to Gordon Bellamy)
YellowLoveMonkey
Rhymes With Pants
PB&J With The Crusts Left On
Nixon's Mustache
Meatbelt

Any one of these gems would guarantee a packed house if they were pasted up on the marquee of a venue.  And guess what?  There are plenty more where those came from.  It's as simple as looking around my room and saying the first thing I see (and yes, there is a meatbelt in my room, it's a prototype).  There might be some of you out there that say, "That is already my band's name."  Well I can only say one thing to that, "What are you doing in my mind?"  Others may say, "My band already has a cool name, I don't need you or your stupid band names."  My response would of course be, "Fair enough, The Rolling Stones is a pretty cool name, but you don't have to be so mean about it Mr. Jagger."

So I will sit by the phone and await your calls unnamed bands.  When you are ready to have thousands of fans chanting things like "Hamburger, Inc.", "Unscratched Itch", or "Millionaire Hobo" as you take the stage, I will be here for you.

Done, Done, On To The Next One

In light of the recent news of last night I am going to switch gears and take a little break from my usual nonsense.  Don't worry, give me a few days and I will be back to writing about junk food and 80's movies.  Today I wanted to comment on the death of Osama Bin Laden.

I was right in the middle of my normal Sunday night routine of wasting time looking at Facebook and half listening to the TV that was on for background noise.  Suddenly I heard a phrase that I was not expecting to hear last night or really any other night, "Osama Bin Laden is dead."  I'm sure many of you had the same reaction that I did when I just stared at the TV for a minute with my mouth hanging open.  It had been so long, I couldn't believe it finally happened.  I was captivated, I couldn't take my eyes off of the television screen.  This was in small part because of Wolf Blitzer's breathtaking beard, but primarily because of the words coming out of his mouth.

So many things have happened in the almost ten years since 9/11.  Our thoughts have moved on to other more trivial  things like Charlie Sheen and Snooki.  Many of us were probably unsure of whether or not we were even still looking for Bin Laden.  Personally I thought he probably died a few years ago and it was covered up by his people "Weekend at Bernie's" style.  Who knows if the grainy cheap camcorder images of him were shot now or 20 years ago.  But all doubts about the efforts of our military and intelligence were finally put to rest when the announcement was made yesterday evening that he was dead. 

So what does this mean?  It certainly doesn't mean that the game is over and we can let our guard down.  There is still work to do.  I am quite certain that the terrorist organizations have had plans in place for his death for awhile.  I imagine whoever is right below him on the scumbag org chart just moves up a spot.  That does not diminish the importance of Bin Laden's demise.  I think it is a message to other evildoers that no matter how much time passes, you are never off the hook.  So if you want to mess with us, we're going to get you.  It may not be today or tomorrow.  You may have to endure a decade of sleeping with one eye open.  But it will happen. 

The other positive thing is that I feel like there is some nostalgia going on for that post 9/11 unity that we had in this country.  For example, last night when the news was breaking, there was a Phillies/Mets baseball game going on.  It was the 9th inning and the score was 1 to 1 (9/11....crazy right?).  Now the divisional rivalry between the Phillies and the Mets isn't quite Yankees/Red Sox or Rocky/Mr T, but it can get nasty at times.  Fans of both teams chanted in unison, "U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!"  I hope we can hold onto this feeling longer than we did last time. 

So today take a second and be thankful that the world got just a little bit safer yesterday.  If you see a current or former member of our armed services take a second to stop and say, "Thank you."  Or it would be even better if when you saw them you bought them a beer or a sandwich to say thank you.  Either way let them know you appreciate everything they have done.  God bless America.