Lift The Lockout

Whether you are a casual or hardcore fan of football you are probably aware of the lockout.  The owners have banned players from facilities, teams cannot officially meet or practice, and much more legal mumbo jumbo.  The lockout has raised many questions about not only the upcoming season, but about the future of the NFL.  Will there be a 2011 season?  Why should we support a sport that has millionaires bickering with billionaires about money?  If there is no season does that technically mean the Cleveland Browns are in a 32-way tie for first place and should go ahead and build a trophy case? 

The general consensus about the lockout is that it is all about money.  Both owners and players want more of it and they want the other party to have less of it.  While this is primarily the truth, it turns out that both sides have other sticking points that they just won't budge on.  Today I will share some of these with you.

What The Players Want

- Seek to eliminate the remaining 2% of commercials that air during NFL broadcasts that do not feature Peyton Manning.
- Want their ICY/HOT to be slightly icier and just a little less hot.
- Want healthcare to include treatment for locker room towel snapping injuries.
- Uniforms that don't make their asses look fat.
- Structured pay scale system that would pay them for each Twitter post.
- Roster spot for a gypsy to protect players from "The Madden Cover Curse".
- If the season is to be increased by two games instead of playing football games the winner would be determined by a double elimination darts tourney.

What The Owners Want

- Head of the line privileges for all stadium hot dog concessions with an additional no questions asked policy about spicy brown mustard usage.
- Use of the football fields on non-football days for laser tag matches with other owners.
- Want to be permitted to shower with the players after games. 
- Instead of stricter league policy regarding protecting players with concussions teams must use only players with concussions.
- After a three week waiting period any unclaimed item in the stadium lost and found becomes property of the owner.
- More stringent testing and harsher punishments for performance enhancing drugs for players.  Mascots not so much.

So who knows if an agreement can be reached between players and owners before the NFL season starts.  And if the season does start on time will fans be left soured on the sport of football.  I do know one thing that both parties can agree upon is that Fergie is not to be invited back for another Super Bowl halftime show.