I'm With The Band

I've never been in a band unless you count back in junior high when I pretended to play the trombone for the marching band.  And no, that is not a euphemism for anything, I literally pretended to play the trombone.  That is a story for another time.  What I am getting at is that I would love to be in a band, lots of bands actually, but not in the way you would think.

Sure, the obvious choice for being in a band would be to play an instrument or sing.  I have no desire to do either of these things.  My only proficiency in playing a musical instrument is cowbell and even that I am told I am amateur at best.  My singing voice is really only suited for polka so that would be extremely limiting.  Yes, there are other "members" of bands such as roadies or tour bus driver, but those positions have the sex appeal of stuck to the underside of table gum.  I have my sights set on the position of band namer.

I've already discussed my musical ability and when it comes to band promotion you would be on your own.  Where I come in is at the point when all the members are assembled and you are ready to book a gig.  Up to that point my area of expertise would not be needed as all bands then are named "Losers In A Garage".  Once you are ready to perform for people that aren't your 12 year old sister and your 12 year old sister's two awkward friends you need a name.  You need a cool name.  That's where I come in.  Here is just a sampling of my genius when it comes to naming bands.

Mail Order Sombrero
Table For Won
Rick
Sexy For My Cat (Right Said Fred tribute bands only)
The Sleets
Able-Bodied Toddler
Gordon Bellamy and The Alliance (need to be named Gordon Bellamy or willing to legally change name to Gordon Bellamy)
YellowLoveMonkey
Rhymes With Pants
PB&J With The Crusts Left On
Nixon's Mustache
Meatbelt

Any one of these gems would guarantee a packed house if they were pasted up on the marquee of a venue.  And guess what?  There are plenty more where those came from.  It's as simple as looking around my room and saying the first thing I see (and yes, there is a meatbelt in my room, it's a prototype).  There might be some of you out there that say, "That is already my band's name."  Well I can only say one thing to that, "What are you doing in my mind?"  Others may say, "My band already has a cool name, I don't need you or your stupid band names."  My response would of course be, "Fair enough, The Rolling Stones is a pretty cool name, but you don't have to be so mean about it Mr. Jagger."

So I will sit by the phone and await your calls unnamed bands.  When you are ready to have thousands of fans chanting things like "Hamburger, Inc.", "Unscratched Itch", or "Millionaire Hobo" as you take the stage, I will be here for you.