Top Ten Signs You Are Obsessed With Breaking Bad

Unless you are living under a rock, you are aware that Breaking Bad will soon be coming to an end.  I am rather fond of the show, but others take their fondness to a whole new level.  This handy dandy guide will clue you in as to whether you are a casual follower of the show or out of your mind obsessed.

10) You have received several notices from your bank regarding checks returned because you sign your name using chemical symbols.

9) You find yourself within the city limits of Albuquerque, New Mexico for reasons other than being relocated by the witness protection program.

8) Even though you know you have no earthly reason to do so, you can't shake a nagging feeling that

you better call Saul.

7) Yes, he's a fictional character, but you know that every time Jesse says "bitch" he's talking to you.

6) Hours and hours each week pouring over Auto Trader in search of an old Winnebago or a Pontiac Aztek.

5) You turn away door to door solicitors by ominously informing them that YOU are the one that knocks.

4) You're finding more and more reasons to "accidentally" run into your high school chemistry teacher.

3) You quit your job to become a travel agent specializing in trips to Belize.

2) You actually shut up for ten seconds about how great The Wire was.

1) Because of the show, you find yourself neglecting your usual hobby of doing loads of meth.

If any of these warning signs apply to you, my advice would be to tread lightly. Either that or switch to a more harmless show like Hot In Cleveland.  I wanted to give a quick shout out to Creepy Todd.  I really wanted to figure out a way to include you in this list, but I couldn't think of a good way to do it.  Please don't send your uncle after me. 

No Helen, I Did NOT watch Downton Abbey Last Night

I've never seen an episode of Downton Abbey.  I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.

When it seems like the whole world is head over heels about something, it's a pretty good indicator that I am going to hate it.  It's not because I'm unique. I'm definitely not a trend setter. The main reason is that I'm kind of an asshole.  I avoid all activities that will ensure "water cooler talk" the next day. So when Helen from accounts payable (yeah the same Helen from the title) asks me if I watched Downton Abbey last night, the excruciating conversation that could possibly follow is averted with a simple "no".

Downton Abbey is actually a special case of this because my lack of viewership is not just because of my social awkwardness.  If you tell me to give it a chance and I do, I have a hunch that I will hate it...and then I will hate you.  Here are a few of my reasons why.

From what I've gathered in all of the non-stop blabbering about the show it seems like people are watching it ironically.  Doing anything ironically is an idiotic activity.  I barely have enough time to watch TV shows that I actually like.  Who are these douchebags that have so much spare time that they can watch boring crap just to make fun of it?

Now many of you will tell me that you actually like the show.  This makes me very suspicious.  I get the feeling that many people watch the show because they are afraid to be one of the people who don't watch the show (see also Mad Men and The Walking Dead).  Watching a show out of fear of not being one of the "cool kids" is probably just about the saddest thing I've ever heard.

Another reason I am dubious of big fans of the show is because it is British.  I am American and my experience with things from across the pond is that they are an acquired taste.  The biggest Monty Python fans admittedly hate a vast majority of their stuff.  And if you site Austin Powers as an example, I will slap you.  I have a little test you can take to determine if you really enjoy British entertainment or are just a pathetic follower trying to be cool.  Answers these three questions:

1) Do you like British entertainment?
2) Really?
3) Looks at you over the top of my glasses Really?

If you answered no to any of these questions you don't actually enjoy all things British.

My biggest reason for never watching the show is this lady.  I don't know what her character's name is.  I'm sure it's something like Dame Victoria Penderwash or Madam Eugenia Rigglesmith.  It really doesn't matter because all I ever hear about it how she's sooooo funny.  Her dry wit is so hilarious.  Dry wit is like a dry steak or a dry punch to the throat...not good.  I've even heard people talk about how sexy she is.  And they are right on the money.

So watch your Downton Abbey and "enjoy" it, just leave me out of it.  I have better things to do like avoiding direct eye contact and rehearsing my awkward urinal banter.

Twitter: A Look Back

Tonight we are here to honor a very special and distinguished guest.  Ladies and gentleman I present to you my often neglected Twitter account.  Like most of the other social media, I have grown bored of "tweeting".  There are many reasons for this, but I think it's mostly because it's called "tweeting".  Tonight I'd like to take a look back at the Twitter account that most of you didn't even know existed (and probably for good reason) by sharing some of my favorite "tweets" with you. 

 Is it me or does Tango and Cash get better everytime you watch it?

 Someday there will be world peace. Until then, we'll have to settle for tacos.

Is there anyone out there who would be even a little surprised if we found out Nicki Minaj was made entirely of cake frosting?

I don't usually do this but you should follow @Metamucil that dude is hilarious.

My dental hygienist was concerned that my gums were bleeding. You just poked it with sharp metal, that just means I'm not a robot.

I love cats, my favorite color is brown, and I never learned to count. #20ThingsAboutMe

I just watched The Avengers and SPOILER ALERT, the milk in the back of your fridge just expired.

At this point I'd like to interject that I said these were my favorite "tweets".  I never made any promises about them being funny or interesting.  Now back to the "tweets" (ugh).

I'm thinking of opening a second Twitter account just for all of my tweets about ham.

Hey Jessie J, I don't like the Katy Perry I have now. What makes you think I want another one?

They say the greatest gift you can give is the sound of a child's laughter. Cash is also a good gift.

If I ever win the lottery I'm going to have Jason Statham on call to roundhouse people that cross me.

Pizza rolls, if you really think the words "family size" are going to stop me from eating a whole bag of you, you don't know me at all.

If I had a show on The Food Network I'd just crack open pistachios for 30 minutes straight.

I think I'm going to eat all the Easter candy I bought for my kids and next week just tell them the Easter bunny is an asshole.

Did I mention that THE Scott Grimes is following me on Twitter?

The Leprechaun marathon on SyFy makes sense for St. Patty's. The Die Hard marathon on AMC not so much.

I wish Snooki would stop jerking us around and announce that she's running for president.

I really hope the FCC does us all a solid at the SuperBowl halftime show and uses those black censor bars on Madonna's gross arms.

I sleep better at night knowing that somewhere out there, Danny Glover is watching over us.

The best part of my weekend is the fact that I rarely bump into Sarah Jessica Parker.

Sometimes I daydream about being a NASCAR driver. Then I come back to earth when I remember my SAT scores were nowhere near high enough.

You know who really grinds my gears? People who do dumb stuff for Klondike Bars. They sell them in every store geniuses!

That probably isn't all of my favorite "tweets", but I really don't feel like looking at Twitter anymore right now.  Maybe if more than 6 people read this blog I will dig up some more.  Until then, I think this leaves you with a pretty clear picture at how ridiculous my sense of humor is.   

Infrequently Asked Questions

A very popular thing for someone with a site to do is to answer questions from readers.  For the duration of this site I have had a total of zero questions submitted.  There are a few possible explanations for this.  Maybe I am so thorough in my writing that all of your questions are already answered.  Maybe everyone is too shy to ask me questions.  This is totally understandable, but I'm just a dude, I put my pants on one leg at a time.  Whatever the reason, I have no real questions to answer so I will make up my own.  Don't worry, these will be hard-hitting questions, no softballs.

Where do you come up with ideas for your writing?
To be totally honest, I don't come up with the ideas.  If you read closely you will see that each of my blogs is an episode of the electrifying courtroom drama Franklin and Bash transcribed verbatim.  So as long as the good folks at TNT keep cranking them out, I will always have stuff to write about.

Whose side will you take in the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes split?
Oh, what a very topical question.  Divorce is a very delicate issue and only Tom and Katie know all the details about what did and didn't happen in their marriage.  On the other hand, Minority Report was a very cool movie and I liked it alot.  So I think I will have to be on Team Cruise for this one.

Does THE Scott Grimes really follow you on Twitter?
Yes, yes he does.

How come there are so many large gaps between your blogs?
I have a Netflix queue with over 30 DVD's in it.  Those movies aren't going to watch themselves.  That coupled with my cross country trekking to follow the McRib doesn't always leave me with loads of spare time to write about 80's movies that four people even remember.

If a train leaves San Diego at 8am and travels at a constant speed of 56 kilometers per hour then why did The Sopranos have such a dumb finale?

There was no real way to top the "Johnny Cakes" storyline.  Everyone just stopped trying after that, finale included.

You never discuss real things like politics in your blog.  Why is that?
What the hell is a politics?

Do you ever plan on writing a book?
For as many people who would actually be interested in buying and reading a book that I wrote, it might just be easier to visit them at their homes and shout the material at them. So no, probably not.

If you had a signature fragrance what would it be called and what would it smell like?
I would call my fragrance Pirate's Desire.  It would smell like ham.

Who would you say is the target audience of your blog?
That's an easy one.  My target audience is one person: Clarence Jenkins who lives at 785 Oakmore Lane in Topeka, Kansas.  I will keep on writing until I get the approval from him that I desperately crave.

That seems a little creepy.
That's not really a question.

If you were on death row what would you choose for your last meal?
Golden Corral all you can eat buffet.  That way my meal would never end and I would never get executed.  LOOPHOLE!  Of course one might argue that eating Golden Corral for the rest of your life would be way worse than execution.

Are any of your answers to these questions actually true?
No, except for the Scott Grimes one.

Well I hope this shed a little light on all the things that you were never actually curious about in the first place.  My main goal was to confuse you so that there would be some real questions for me to answer in a future blog.  Until then, I have to watch me some Franklin and Bash.

School's Out For Summer Countdown Spectacular

Well here we are at the end of another school year.  It's that wonderful time of year when Alice Cooper can enjoy some sweet, albeit brief, relevance.  In honor of school's end, I am counting down the top 10 movie teachers of all time.  So sit back and don't take notes because this will not be on the final exam.

10 - The teacher/stripper from Varsity Blues - Most of you think you know why this teacher made my list, but you're wrong.  Maybe a teacher/stripper was a fantasy for some of you, but the female teachers at my school had an average age of 73 (so yeah, it was a fantasy for me too).  They say the true judge of character is the company you keep and her co-stars were James Van Der Beek and Scott Caan, so...yeah.

9 - Professor Jennings from Animal House - This pot smoking college professor who had inappropriate relationships with students was portrayed by Donald Sutherland.  It shouldn't even be necessary to go on, but I will for those a little slower on the uptake.  Donald Sutherland played Ronald in the movie Backdraft so everything else that he does is by default - awesome.

8 - Mrs. Tingle from Teaching Mrs. Tingle - Helen Mirren tied to a chair in her bedroom wasn't the most traditional of classroom settings, but she was still able to teach valuable lessons, in life.  I actually think kidnapping a teacher would be a more realistic fantasy than the teacher/stripper one from above.  It would be a logistical nightmare though because what would you feed a teacher?  I have no idea what they eat. 

7 - Mr. Escalante from Stand and Deliver - It's like the old saying goes:  Give Lou Diamond Phillips a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach Lou Diamond Phillips to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. 

6 - Mr. Kotter from Welcome Back, Kotter -  Mr. Kotter and Mr. Escalante faced similar challenges but the advantage goes to Mr. Kotter.  The Sweathogs were a much rougher crew than any inner city gang from Los Angeles.  You disagree?  Ok, let Vinnie Barbarino tell you, "Up your nose with a rubber hose" and then you look me in the eye and tell me that's better than getting slashed across the back with a box cutter.  Yeah, that's what I thought.

5 - Yoda from every Star Wars movie - This may stretch the limits a little, but technically he was a teacher.  He taught Jedi for hundreds of years so he was definitely tenured.  Also, I really like to strengthen all of my lists by having Yoda on them.

4 - The teacher from Van Halen's Hot for Teacher video - That lady had to be in the same room as David Lee Roth for an extended period of time.  Don't you think she deserves a little something for that?

3 - Mr. Shoop from Summer School - Mark Harmon wore a Hawaiian shirt and there was a dog named WonderMutt that wore sunglasses.  Pretty much everything about Mr. Shoop was awesome.

2 - Mr. Strickland from the Back to the Future movies - Let's get this out of the way before I get bombarded with hate emails.  I know he was a principal and not a teacher, but he was associated with a institution of learning and that qualifies him in my book.  I really liked his no-nonsense style and that he called people slackers.  I feel that slacker is a very underrated put down. 

1 - Any teacher from any movie or television show that wasn't Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society - Mr. Keating from Dead Poet's Society was ok at first, but became exhausting.  So the number one spot on the list goes to pretty much everyone else.

So there is the list, I hope you liked it.  Enjoy your summer vacations.  Even though for adults, summer vacation just means going to work like every other day except it's hot.

My Heroes

Everybody needs a role model.  In every person's life people come along that influence us and shape the way we live our lives.  Today I would like to share some of my heroes with you.  Some of them are real and some are fictional characters.  Ok, most of them are fictional characters which explains a lot.

This first person on my list of heroes is Turbo from the movie Breakin' and Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.  Turbo was brilliantly portrayed by Michael "Boogaloo Shrimp" Chambers.  Turbo had a great sense of style and some seriously sweet moves.  One only needs to see the scene with Turbo and the broom to understand why he is my hero.

Next up on the list is Drunk Kanye West.  Because of his music, Kanye would almost make my list on his own.  His true greatness comes out when he collaborates with Hennessy at awards shows and disaster relief telethons.  Drunk Kanye has no mouth filter and speaks his mind.  I don't agree with everything Drunk Kanye has to say, but it is always way more interesting than anything Sober Kanye says.

Yoda.  Do I really need to explain this one?  I didn't think so.

No list of heroes would be complete without Ninja Death Squads From 80's Action Movies.  This isn't one person, but an unsung group that deserves some recognition.  The Ninja Death Squad is a group that ridiculously outnumbers their intended target but loses anyways.  The are highly trained, but whoever they fight seems to be more highly trained.  What I love about this group is their can-do attitude.  They know that Charles Bronson or whoever if going to beat them, but they do it anyways.

Speaking of Charles Bronson, next on my list is another group of heroic people.  These are the Not Believable For A Second Action Stars.  This collection of (mostly geriatric) people include: Charles Bronson, Edward "The Equalizer" Woodward, Entrapment-Era Sean Connery, and my favorite, Pat Morita.  You would expect these guys to hand out Werther's Originals, but instead they handed out ass-whippings.  You have to respect that (and their stuntmen).

I feel like I should put at least one real person on this list so I will go with Scott Grimes.  I really don't even know where to start with the awesomeness that is Scott Grimes.  He overcame the nearly insurmountable odds of being ginger and managed to carve himself quite an impressive niche in Hollywood.  He was the star of Critters 2 and Mystery, Alaska, two of the greatest films of all time.  Somewhere in his busy acting schedule he has time to do voicework on Seth MacFarlane's 4th most popular show, American Dad!.  Also he follows me on Twitter, the sign of a true champion.

This list is by no means complete.  There are many other people (real and fake) that I look up to.  Maybe this tribute will inspire you to add some of mine to your list.  Probably not, but maybe. 

In The End There Can Be Only One Tree Hill

The year was 2003.  Those were much simpler times.  The world's tweens had not yet been ravaged by the horrible Bieber fever epidemic.  Love triangles involving vampires, werewolves, and I guess that girl is a zombie only existed in books (which had pages back then if you can believe that).  And once a week, the world put aside their differences and gathered to watch a little show called "One Tree Hill".

On Wednesday, April 4th, 2012 The CW is giving us one last chance to spend some time with that rag-tag group of kids from a little town called Tree Hill.  I always liked to think that was where they got the title of the show, but really it's anyone's guess.  When the series finale was announced it raised one serious question from deep inside me.  "One Tree Hill" is still a thing???  I was positive they ended that show at least five or six years ago.  The show's mysterious longevity baffled me.  It has been on the air as long as "Seinfeld" was.  I'll let that settle in for a second. 

We can eliminate great acting, captivating storylines, and loyal viewership as reasons for the shows long run right off the bat.  I have come up with a few alternative, but very plausible reasons this show has been the cockroach of teen dramas.

1) The Prank Theory - "One Tree Hill" would not be the first time that the entire world has conspired to play a large scale prank on me.  The prank theory is also the only plausible explanation for the popularity of Florence + The Machine.  I don't think it is completely unrealistic that everyone got together and kept the show on the air to see if I would keep watching.  Well world, the jokes on you, I have never watched a single episode.  All the info about the show I am getting from Wikipedia and a creepy 49 year old man that hangs out at the local Dairy Queen.

2) Espionage Communication - I think that it is a safe bet that a large portion of the world thought this show was gone at least as long as I have.  Maybe in the last few years, the CIA has been using the show to send vital information to covert operatives all over the world.  If any of these communications were intercepted by a civilian they would remain a secret because if someone tried to spill the beans they would have to admit that they watched the show.

3) The Chad Factor -  I'm just going to come right out and say it.  Chad Michael Murray is a national treasure.  If you have a way, like a television show, to showcase him and his gift to the world, you will do everything in your power to keep it around forever.  The giant hole in this theory is that Mr. Michael Murray left the show a few years ago.  My only thought is that they kept the show around just in case his acting career needed a couch to crash on when he was in town.

4) Inept Programming Executives - This is by far the most realistic of all my theories.  Season two was the only time in the series' run that the show cracked the coveted "Top 120".  And this was back when there was only between 75 and 100 channels to watch.  There was likely some very horrible FOX programming that was kicking this show's ass every week back then and they still kept it around.  Even now, in the reality television age, this show is probably always losing to a reality show about people who make lug nuts for a living.

Whatever the real reason this show lasted as long as it has will forever remain a mystery.  If I knew anything about the actual plot of the show I guess I could recommend some sort of gesture to show how much you appreciated it.  All I ask is that we let the show die with some dignity.  Please don't do one of those things where the fans mail an acorn or a colostomy bag to The CW in hopes they will bring it back.  Just let it go.  Trust me, Chad Michael Murray would have wanted it this way.

An Open Letter To Paranormal Activity 3

Dear Paranormal Activity 3,

I'd like to start off by saying that I really enjoyed the 1st two installments of your franchise.  Paranormal Activity was delightfully chilling and a nice change of pace from the other horror movies at the time (we both know I'm talking about Saw's 3 through 17).  I had my doubts about Paranormal Activity 2, but I watched it and for the most part, my doubts were laid to rest.

Those things being said, you probably noticed my absence during your theatrical run.  I'll come clean and admit that yes, I was avoiding you intentionally.  It's hard to determine whether or not you would have still lost out to Puss in Boots at the box office had I come to support you.  Regardless of my feelings about you, nobody deserves that.  You're probably wondering why it has taken me this long to write to you.  With your DVD release coming soon, there were some things that you needed to know.

I understand that you are angry with me, but please give me a chance to explain.  It's not you, it's me.  I'm sure you are a very adequate film, I've read reviews that said so.  The thing that you have to understand is that I've been hurt in the past by horror franchise sequels.  Even though a lot of time has past, the pain I feel because of Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 is still with me.  I'm not quite sure any amount of time can heal that hurt.  I mentioned the Saw films earlier.  Every year I met a new one, and I was more disappointed each time.

I think I can trace this cycle of hurt back to three of my first loves: Halloween, Friday the 13th, and A Nightmare on Elm Street.  I loved these movies very much and was repaid with the betrayal of the ridiculous and seemingly endless parade of sequels.  When I watched Freddy vs. Jason, I died a little on the inside.  Then there were the remakes.  I just don't know if I will ever be able to forgive the remakes.  They cut me very deep and that wound will probably never heal.

After reading this letter, you may or may not still be mad at me.  I'm ok with it if you are still mad.  I just wanted a chance to explain myself.  Maybe there is a chance that when you do come out of DVD I will be able to watch you.  But because of my trust issues with horror film sequels, you'll understand if I use a free Redbox rental to do it.  Maybe one day I will resolve my issues and I'll buy you as part of a Blu-Ray box set.  Until that day, I think it's best for both of us if we each just go our separate ways.

Warmest Regards,
Jason

P.S.  They announced Paranormal Activity 4.  Do the right thing.  If not for me, do it for yourself.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Masters Of The Universe

Boys and girls, today we will be talking about the 1987 film, "Masters of the Universe".  This was the live action movie version of the cartoon, "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe".  If you happened to be a 10 year old boy in 1987 (which I was) this was the must see movie of the year.  The "Academy" decided that "The Last Emperor" was the best film of 1987, but we've rarely been on the same page when it comes to movies.

In this film, He-Man and some of his friends have to travel across the universe to Earth.  There they have to battle evil foes and local law enforcement.  As an added challenge they must also stay clear of the razor sharp chin of a then 37 year old Courtney Cox.  All of your favorites made an appearance in the film.  There was "Gwildor", "Saurod", "Blade", "Karg", and "Carl the Janitor".  I remember that they introduced so many new characters there was a special line of action figures just for the movie.  Buying new toys and spending $3.50 for a movie ticket (a hefty sum back in those days) ensured that every cent of a kids allowance was spent on He-Man related items.

The best part of this movie was casting Dolph Lundgen as "He-Man".  Dolph is a tall, blonde, muscular dude.  It seemed like he was genetically engineered just to play this role.  I bet it's the same laboratory they used to create Katherine Heigl with the one purpose of making horrible movies.  Lundgren was perfect in his portrayal.  He was handy enough with a sword and luckily the dialogue didn't require any heavy lifting.  The one change the movie made to "He-Man" was changing his hairstyle.  In the cartoon he sported a "Dorothy Hamill".  For the movie they updated his do to a more contemporary "feathered mullet".

The movie would not have been complete without "Skeletor".  Frank Langella went pretty big in his portrayal of the villain.  They went low-tech for his costume, which confused me.  I understand that special effects make-up has come a long way since the late 80's.  What I don't understand is why they used what looked like wet toilet paper for his skeleton face.  The mask was so bad I expected the "Scooby Doo" gang to show up and reveal that is was "Old Man Jenkins" all along.  Later in the film they covered "Skeletor" with golden adornments.  I'm thinking they could have cut the elaborate golden headdress budget a little and made his face not look like a dried up bowl of Cream of Wheat.

Earlier I did make fun of all the new characters, but they did include many of the classics.  With the glaring omission of "Skunkor" they managed to squeeze in all of the main goodies and baddies from the cartoon.  In what was probably one of the best decisions about the whole movie, they pretended "Orko" never happened.  He was the magical whatever he was supposed to be from the cartoons.  I think he was equally annoying to the die hard fan and casual watcher.  I'm assuming that with having Courtney Cox in the movie they didn't need another little annoying character.

As far as cartoon, action figure tie-in related movies go, this was a pretty solid film.  It had all the things that a growing 10 year old boy needed.  Here we are 25 years later (yeah I know), and while the movie doesn't dazzle me the way it did back then, it's a nice little escape back to the times when you wore footy pajamas and got up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons.

End Of Year Van Der Beek Countdown Spectacular

Well there is a little more than a day left in 2011 and what a year it has been.  This is a very common time to compile lists of our favorite things and count them down.  As you know, I am a slave to trends so my blog will be no different.  In honor of the great year that was 2011, I will be counting down the top 5 James Van Der Beek films of all time.

5 - Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) - I thought this was a great movie.  It was hilarious and raunchy.  Believe it or not this was a star-studded film including one Mr. James Van Der Beek.  Even though this is probably my favorite movie on this list, there wasn't enough Beek for my buck.  He probably only has about 3 minutes of total screen time and that is why this is number five on my list.

4 - Varsity Blues (1999) - A lot of people may think this film should be much higher on the list because it is James Van Der Beek's big starring role.  Here is the problem and why it is only number four on the list.  James is given a big time movie role and he practically gave this film away to Scott Caan.  Very few people even remember that Van Der Beek was in this movie because they are captivated by Caan's riveting performance as "Tweeter".

3 - Texas Rangers (2001) - This is a movie about James Van Der Beek on a horse with some other people also on horses.  I assume they shoot at stuff and probably some other stuff happens.  I never actually saw this movie.  It made number three on the list because of how bad ass Van Der Beek looks on the movie poster.  I mean c'mon look at him...bad ass.

2- Angus (1995) - In this movie James plays "Rick", the dick quarterback that bullies a fat kid named "Angus".  This is his first movie role and the rare phenomenon in Hollywood of using a teenage actor to play a teenage role.  It was pretty groundbreaking at the time considering the average age of actors playing teens was 37.  If you're in the mood for some Pre-Creek Beek, this is the movie for you.

1 - The Rules of Attraction (2002) - This is the number one James Van Der Beek movie of all time.  It doesn't really make number one based on his performance.  All he was required to do was take huge swigs of whiskey straight from the bottle and perform some intense brow furrowing.  I'm just a really big fan of this movie because it's a dark story with interesting characters.  As an added bonus Van Der Beek happens to have the lead.  He does have a little help from his friends on this one.  Be sure to look for "Rookie of the Year"'s Thomas Ian Nicholas playing a douchey rich college kid and "Little Monsters"'s Fred Savage as "A Junkie Named Marc".

So there you have it, another year on the books and five movies that are sure to be added to the top of your Netflix queue.  Be sure to check back next year as I will try really hard to write more.  Or I won't and you'll be stuck reading a good blog instead.  Have a Van Der Beek New Year!!!!

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Critters 2: The Main Course

Today's profile is a real treat.  I will be talking about the classic 1988 film "Critters 2: The Main Course".  I have seen this movie about 30 or 40 times and it gets better every time I...no it's a fairly awful movie, but we will keep going anyways.

The original "Critters" was about little, flesh eating aliens that terrorized a small town.  In a very risky move they strayed from the sure-fire formula of the first film,  "Critters 2" was about a small town that was terrorized by little, flesh eating aliens.  The two ideas are so vastly different that you can barely even call this a sequel.  There were characters common to both films and I think both were set in the same small town.  So there were things that tied these films together.  

In all seriousness, there are very few ways to distinguish the first movie from the second.  It was almost as if they made "Critters 2" as a crappy homage to the already crappy "Critters".  As it turns out, "Critters" was made to capitalize on the popularity of the movie "Gremlins".  So "Critters 2" is a bad copy of a horrible ripoff.  With all of the great things I have said so far I don't why you are still reading this and not on your way to the local video store to rent or buy it. 

There is one guaranteed way to know whether you are watching part one or part two.  That reason is Scott Grimes.  He was smartly carried over from the first film.  The way you can tell you are watching "Critters 2" is that Scott Grimes is slightly older, slightly wiser, but just as ginger as in the original.  Casting Grimes in the sequel was a stroke of genius because you're not going to not see a movie with Scott Grimes in it.  That's would be crazy. 

Other than Scott Grimes, everything else is just about the same.  Small town people portrayed in an over the top redneck stereotype fashion....check.  Furry little aliens that roll (and by roll I mean are pulled by wires that they don't even attempt to hide) and bite people...check.  Shape-shifting alien bounty hunters with advanced weapons that do zilch to stop the critters so the small town people have to come up with a plan and defeat the little monsters in a folksy manner...double check.  Scott Grimes gets the girl...eww, but check.

You're probably wondering why I chose to review "Critters 2" instead of "Critters".  Normally I would tell you not to think so much because my profiles are about terrible 80's movies.  But today I will share.  The biggest difference between the first and second movies is that part two didn't even try to take itself seriously like the first one did.  I have a lot of respect for terrible filmmakers who realize, and even cherish, that they are making a terrible film.  Also, "Critters 3" and "Critters 4" were just really, really bad and unwatchable.

So if you're in the mood for a really good Sci-Fi/Horror film, watch "Aliens".  If the video store doesn't have that, or "Alien", or "The Terminator", or "T2", or Gremlins 2: The New Batch", or "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" or "Sex And The City 2", you should definitely rent "Critters 2".  No matter what film you choose, make sure you appreciate that you are in one of  only five remaining video stores left in the world.  The best part is that you can go ahead and keep the movie because the video store will most likely be gone within the week.

Eleven Eleven Eleven

So as you may or may not know, today is November 11th, 2011.  If you were to write that date out numerically, it would be either 11/11/11 or 11/11/11 depending on whether you lead off with the day or month.  Because this particular date works out to be in a pattern people have worked themselves up into quite a lather.  I haven't seen people this excited since about this time last year when it was 10/10/10. 

I don't really find any of this all that exciting.  Mostly because it has happened once a year for the last 10 years.  Guess what else happens once a year:  Arbor Day and the Country Music Awards.  Both of these have been going on for longer than a decade and are barely blips on my radar.  Just to clarify, I picked Arbor Day and the CMA's at random.  I wasn't trying to alienate the portion of my audience that are fans of trees and spousal abuse. 

I do understand that with all those elevens, people just want to have some fun with it.  I'm ok with that, just don't try to force significance on the date.  Unless you are a part of the very small portion of the earth's population that will be meeting Regis Philbin for the 1st time today, I highly doubt you will remember anything that happens today (we're gonna miss you Regis!).  I'll wager that there will be nothing any more memorable today than there is anything unlucky that happens on a Friday the 13th.

Perhaps I am just being a party pooper.  Speaking of which, I have heard people are having 11/11/11 parties.  That just seems silly.  It's not like people ever needed a reason to party on a Friday night before.  If you did really need a reason to party, it is Veteran's day.  I understand that this is traditionally a more somber and respectful holiday, but it doesn't have to be that way.  As a former service member, I can tell you from first hand experience.  The men and women of America's Armed Forces, when given the chance, know how to get down.

So have your fun today.  It is November 11th, 2011.  There are very few chances for friends and family to get together and have fun this time of year (except Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year's, and probably Arbor Day).  Also, it's not like we have December 12th, 2012 (12/12/12) to look forward to because, as everyone knows, the world is ending before that.  Have a nice day!!!

Dessert Island

I'll go ahead and start this off by saying that the spelling error in the title is intentional.  As a matter of fact, all spelling errors on this site are intentional (yeah, that's the ticket).  Many people have lists of things they would bring to a desert island.  Some of the more common ones are books the would bring or music they would bring.  The music list is kind of a sham because with enough time, any song can become "Macarena".  I wanted to do a list of less common things I would bring to the island, for example dessert (see what I did there?).

Dessert - I guess it would make sense to start with the dessert I would bring to a desert island since I have been beating you over the head with it.  I think I would have to bring my all-time favorite dessert: Angel Food Cake.  In case you were looking, there is no joke there, I just really like Angel Food Cake.

Saved By The Bell Castmember - Many people may think that Mario Lopez would be the obvious choice but I would go with Mark Paul Gosselaar.  He would provide hours of entertainment regaling you with stories from the set of "Franklin and Bash".  Also you could probably make a decent rope with his hair.

Coffee Additive - This one is a no-brainer.  I would definitely bring Non-Dairy Coffee Creamer.  It's a desert island.  If you didn't choose non-dairy it would spoil in the heat.  Duh!

Sock - I really struggled with this one for a long time.  While a crew length sock would provide better protection from the sun and insect bites, an ankle high sock would keep you from overheating.  In the end I chose the crew length because let's face it, ankle socks are kind of 80's.

Standard Of Measurement - I know this choice may not be very patriotic, but I would use the Metric System.  I'm stranded on a desert island, I have bigger fish to fry than remembering measurement conversions that aren't powers of ten.

Star Trek Sequel - Without even thinking about it I would choose "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier".  Some of you might be wondering why I would chose, without a doubt, the worst of the Star Trek sequels.  The way I see it, since I don't have anything to watch it with anyways, I might as well vent some frustration by smashing it with a rock.

Item Of Clothing From American Eagle's Fall Collection - This was another tough one but I finally landed on the AE Plaid Workwear Flannel in orange.  I think it would really make my eyes pop and it would go great with this pair of jeans I have.  Even if you are stranded on a desert island, there is nothing wrong with feeling pretty.

Mid-Size Sedan - Because of it's roomy interior and great fuel efficiency I decided to go with the Nissan Altima.  The handling is a little choppy, but it has the best 0 to 60 time of any vehicle in its class.

Item Currently In My Line Of Sight - Well I guess if I had to choose I would pick the blue and orange Nerf football.  This category didn't really provide me with a lot of options.  The football would most likely prove slightly more useful than the napkin from Chipotle.

Home Workout Device - I wouldn't bring any of them.  They are bulky and let's be honest for a moment, if I don't use them at home, I'm sure as hell not going to use them on a desert island.

Maybe you like my desert island choices, or maybe you would go a different way.  If you have a better choice for your desert island list let me know.  Also if you have any other categories that you are interested in hearing my choices let me know.  I think we can all agree it would just be easier to not ever go to a desert island.

Pants!

We are officially into the month of October which means autumn is in full swing now.  This time of year takes people's minds to many different places.  Some people think of the harvest season.  Others may think of the leaves on the trees changing colors.  I think about it as the time of the year when I have to put away my shorts and start wearing long pants.  In this crazy, mixed-up world there are many choices when it come to pants.  Since many of you know I am a bit of a fashionista, I will attempt to guide you through this veritable forest of pants to help you make the right choice.  One note in passing, I know zilch about women's fashion so this one is for the guys.  Don't worry ladies, I didn't forget about you.  Here is a picture of a probably expensive shoe...enjoy.

The first type of pants I would like to talk about are skinny jeans.  Depending on your build this can either be a fashion home run or a fashion fall on your face while walking to home plate.  If you are a slender man, skinny jeans are very key to a cooler weather wardrobe.  But how do you know if you are slender enough to pull them off (or should I say pull them on)?  My rule of thumb is when another person sees you in them if they are reminded to not let the kielbasa they have in the microwave explode, you may want to find a denim alternative.  Personally, I don't wear skinny jeans cuz my nuts don't fit (much to the dismay of Jay-Z and my wife I will never stop saying that). 

Another way to go when it comes to pants is cargo pants.  While this may seem like a very useful pair of pants, I've always thought of cargo pants as a damned if you do, damned if you don't trouser option.  If someone sees you wearing cargo pants and the pockets are flat and unused they think of you as a person who wastes valuable cargo space.  On the other hand, if you are in public with the cargo pockets bulging from the vast payload, people instinctively call the police (as they should).  I would say unless you are a safari tour guide or a fly-fishing enthusiast, wear cargo pants at your own risk.

I hesitate to even list this as an option but lets talk for a second about leather pants.  Unless you are a member of Motley Crue, don't.   Bup-bup-bup...trust me, just don't.

The next category of pants are anything that can appropriately be referred to as "slacks" or "trousers".  This type of pants would consist mainly of what you would find at The Gap or Banana Republic.  These are very sensible pants.  They tell everyone that you are responsible and that you don't have to post date the check for the gas bill.  You can walk tall with a sense of pride because you have it "going on".  The obvious drawback to trousers and slacks is the price.  Nothing can ruin feeling like a million bucks like ruining your pricey pants with one ill-advised order of sloppy nachos.  Make sure to pick your spots with this type of pants.

Athletic pants, such as sweatpants or warm up pants, are great for working out or for a non-verbal way of telling the world you just don't give a damn anymore.  When you see a man with sweatpants on at the grocery store and he has a shopping cart full of canned chili, you don't even need to ask it it's for chili party.  Well to be fair, it probably is for a chili party, just the very, very sad kind.  Maybe you have a great idea for a new business and you go to the bank for some start up money.  It's a pretty safe bet that the man in sweatpants in line ahead of you is not going to beat you to the punch.  I don't want you to think I am anti-sweatpants.  If used properly they are essential to a man's wardrobe.  If you see someone at the gym on a treadmill wearing a pair of jeans, again, you instinctively (and correctly) call the police. 

I guess the moral of the story is there is no one right or wrong pair of pants to wear when the weather gets cooler.  Let me rephrase that.  With the exception of jeggings (which are all kinds of wrong), there is no one right or wrong pair of pants to wear.  My experience is that men have a natural instinct when if comes to what kind of pants to wear on what occasion.  All we have to do is learn to do the exact opposite of that instinct and we will be dressed just fine.

Who Is Watching?

Tonight was the 63rd Annual Emmy Awards, but if anyone asks, I was totally watching the Eagles game.  Anyways, tonight I'd like to talk about television.  More specifically I'd like to talk about television that I am not sure why it is still on the air.  I'm talking about the shows that when they are brought up or when you see a commercial for them you are puzzled that they weren't cancelled 2-3 years ago.

The Bachelor/The Bachelorette

This show is sort of the great-aunt of dating shows.  This is probably the last one still on the air that doesn't have a washed up rapper in it.  I remember this show being very popular a few years ago.  People were invested in it and seemed to care if the bachelor and whoever got the final rose actually got married.  I NEVER hear anyone talking about this show anymore.  Yet here we are and this show is still on TV easily two years after everyone stopped watching it. 

Big Brother

When this show was stolen from European television and brought to the United States, it was HUGE.  CBS aired it six nights a week.  They had the Big Brother: After Dark show on Showtime.  Julie Chen had to be plugged in and recharged several times a day due to over use.  Then America got wise and realized that if they wanted to watch boring, unattractive people sit on the couch, they would just put a mirror in the living room.  So why is this show still on TV?  If you host a show and are married to the president of the network it airs on, you're boring show doesn't get cancelled.  As a matter of fact, you will probably get to host a few more terrible shows as well.

American Idol/America's Next Top Model/America's Got Talent

There hasn't been one since Kelly Clarkson.  There has never been one.  And no, no we don't.

Every Basic Cable Reality Show

It all started with The Deadliest Catch and now 15,000 different reality shows later, here we are. Due to the sheer number of shows there are, there cannot possibly a large enough audience to keep any of them on the air. Plus they crank these shows out so quickly, the content is just God awful. Maybe that is part of the allure and I can dig that. But I will say that even if you can't take your eyes off of a horrific car accident, you wouldn't camp out at the same intersection every week looking for another one.

CSI/NCIS/Law & Order/Homicide/JAG/Burn Notice/Cold Case

To answer the question put forth in the title of this blog: apparently everyone. The police procedural shows are ratings juggernauts. My only problem with these shows besides the overkill in the amount of them is that for shows that are numbers one through ten in the ratings week to week I don't watch any of them and don't know anyone who does.

So for the amount of time I spend flipping channels and the amount of crap on TV I have to endure, one might think it would be better to shut it off and crack open a book.  But, whether you are a casual reader of this blog or have read every single one, I think we all know that just isn't going to happen.

I Heart YouTube

There are a number of activities in which I use the internet.  These activities include watching my online stock portfolio, checking Ke$ha's tour schedule, and posting my Strawberry Shortcake fan fiction.  Oh yeah, don't forget the nonsense I write here.  While all of these things provide a certain level of happiness, nothing comes close to the joy that I get watching videos on YouTube.  I watch a lot of videos, but they can be broken down into these four categories.

The thing that I use YouTube for the most is looking at music videos.  Sometimes you have to hear a song right away.  Then you realize that you're too cheap to download it from iTunes.  Then you realize you aren't cheap afterall, "Rump Shaker" by Wrecks-N-Effect isn't quite worth 99 cents.  I just head to YouTube and search for all my favorite jams.  Due to the number of butts in the "Rump Shaker" video I decided to post something a little more family friendly.

The next category of videos that I like to look at is called random bullcrap.  This category really covers a lot of ground.  Maybe I might find a local television commercial that has good intentions but really just comes across as racist.  Maybe I might find a really cool clip of Super Mario Brothers auto-tuned (way cooler than it sounds).  Or maybe I might find something like this:

Ever since I was a kid I have enjoyed the kind of humor that came at other people's expense.  I would just laugh for hours when my little brothers would "fall down".  So it's no surprise that I love videos of people getting hurt doing really dumb things.  And believe me when I tell you that you can see someone getting seriously injured doing ANYTHING.  All you have to do is go to the search bar, type in any activity you could possibly think of plus the word fail.  Then just sit back and enjoy.

The final category of YouTube videos that I love is cute cats.  Actually I am just kidding (as far as you know).  The popularity and sheer volume of cute cat clips actually baffles me.  I am a cat owner so I have no beef with the felines, but what is the appeal?  There are just hours and hours of videos of cats on YouTube.  Each video will have a minimum of 13 million views.  If someone can explain what would make you want to watch cat videos all day, everyday, I'd like to know.

So, if you're like me and are always needing new ways to put off doing things that are actually valuable uses of your time, look no further than YouTube.  You'll laugh, you'll cringe, and most important you'll get down to the sweet sounds of R&B from the 80's and 90's.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Commando

Well boys and girls, it is once again time for a Profile In Cinematic Greatness.  Today's film is titled "Commando".  Those of you who are not familiar with this 1985 film may think it was the story of a man who didn't wear briefs under his pants, but I assure, this was not the case.  No, this was one of the all-time greats in terms of 80's action movies.  And if you watch closely you may recognize that the lead is none other than former governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  It seems that before he got into politics he dabbled in feature films.  There were many classic Arnold movies, but for my money this was one of his best.  It's no "Junior", but it's pretty good.

This movie started out the way most movies about former special forces members start out, with them trying to live a normal life.  But we all know that if it was the 80's or 90's you didn't put Arnold in a movie about being a normal dad.  Could you imagine if he would have made a movie about being a normal dad doing something like buying a coveted toy for his kid at Christmas?  Anyways, within five minutes into the film his daughter was abducted and he was forced to once again become a "Commando".  There was a lot of punching, shooting, and explosions.  All of this was pretty standard fare for a Schwarzenegger film.  I'd like to tell you why I thought this one was better than most of the rest.

If you were a fan of Arnold's movies, or even if you hated them but watched them for the phenomenal cinematography, you knew that he would use awful tough guy puns.  For this movie he put on a clinic.  I'm not sure that he had any lines in this movie that weren't terrible action movie puns.  I loved every deliciously cheesy syllable of it.  In the course of an average person's life they get maybe 2 or 3 chances to deliver a tough guy line.  My few opportunities I totally blew it and said something like, "Hey, I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that," or, "Let's just cool down and talk about this."  Arnold got the chance to do this about twenty times in this movie and totally nailed it every time. 

Another great thing about this movie was Mr. Schwarzenegger's co-stars.  The female lead in this movie was Rae Dawn Chong.  Rae or Rae Dawn of whatever she goes by, is the daughter of Tommy Chong.  It doesn't matter what era you're in or what kind of film you are making, if you have the chance to land a member of the distinguished Chong family of actors, you just do it.  Her role consisted of a lot of screaming and probably some other stuff too.   Also in the film was a young Alyssa Milano, who portrayed Arnold's daughter.  I'm sure we all remember Milano from her hit TV show "Who's the Boss?" and also from such films as "I Sure Wish Who's the Boss? Was Still On the Air" and "Remember When I Was On Who's the Boss?".  Finally, they had Bill Duke (aka the guy with the coolest gun in the movie "Predator").  Although, I am sure many would have preferred that they cast that sweet, sweet mini-gun from the movie "Predator", Duke really held his own in this movie.

They really pulled out all the stops in terms of the action sequences of this movie.  Let's review the checklist shall we?  Jumping out of a taking off airplane - check.  Throwing a dude off a cliff - check.  Blowing the crap out of barracks filled with mercenary soldiers - double check.  Do you like car chases?  "Commando" had two of them.  Do you like sea planes?  That's a stupid question, everyone likes sea planes, and yeah, they had one of those.  Do you like to see mall security guards get their asses handed to them in a 20 on 1 brawl?  That's two stupid questions in a row and by the way, yeah they had that too.  This movie was a medieval joust away from having every kind of action imaginable. 

So as you can see, this was truly one of the all-time great Schwarzenegger action movies.  As with all of the movies that I think are masterpieces, don't look for a lot of great acting, or brilliantly written scripts, or plausible storylines, or even coherent storylines.  That's why we have Cate Blanchett movies.