Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Timecop

With the Academy Awards being on Sunday I thought I would write something that could be a regular series (but it probably won't because I am lazy).  I wanted to write about a movie that I thought was great but for some reason was snubbed by all of the award shows that particular year.  The movie I would like to discuss is "Timecop".  This film is from 1994 and was, in my opinion, the jewel in the crown that is Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.  "Timecop" also starred Mia Sara who is known for being Ferris Bueller's girlfriend and absolutely nothing else.

Here are a few reasons I love this movie.

1) It has kicking.  There was no real surprise here, it's a Van Damme movie.  He isn't exactly known for his singing so they kind of had to work to his strengths.

2) It has time travel.  I am a bit of what is known as a Sci-Fi nerd so the travelling through time element appeals to me and my kind.  Not only that, it has this director's vision of what the future will be.  I think the obvious error is that they thought mullets would come back in the future.  I don't care how much time goes by, this will never happen.  On the other hand a flowing mullet (like the one Jean-Claude sports) really puts an exclamation point on a roundhouse kick (see number one). 

3)  Action movie one liners.  In an effort to make films more realistic, action movies these days have for the most part eliminated the action movie one liner.  Since "Timecop" was made in the mid 90's it was in the golden age of bad action movie puns.  Van Damme wasn't quite the master of this that "Ah-nold" was, but this movie definitely had some gems.  After he kicks a bad guy into liquid nitrogen Van Damme says, "I guess I should have told him to freeze."  Genius!!!

4) Van Damme's accent.  One of the greatest things about Jean-Claude Van Damme movies is that they never offer any feasible explanation for his thick accent.  Most of the time his costars even act like they can understand what he is saying.  This is great because we want action and don't have time for the backstory about growing up in Belgium and coming to America to fight crime.  Van Damme never wasted our time with boring crap like that.  He needed all the time he had for splits and kicks.

So if you have a free evening and are in the mood for an actiony sci-fi movie you could do much worse than this one.  Just do me and yourself a favor and go in with lowered expectations.  It's not "The Kings Speech" it's a freaking Van Damme movie.   Enjoy.

Presidential Potpourri

Well today is President's Day.  I hope you can take a few minutes break from all of the festivities to read my blog to celebrate this joyous holiday.  Don't worry, I won't keep you long as I am sure you have a lot of last minute things to do in preparation for your President's Day meal this evening.  I decided that to honor these great men on their special day I would compile a list of presidential trivia.  These are just a few tasty tidbits of knowledge about the past leaders of the the free world to impress your friends at your President's Day parties throughout the day. 

Did you know...

- George Washington had a very extensive trouser collection.  Some say he never wore the same pair more than once.  If his entire collection of trousers was laid end to end (and it once was for a charity event) it would reach from Reading, PA to Wind Gap, PA.

- James Monroe had 17 fingers on his left hand.

- Martin Van Buren was a 12 time blue ribbon pig winner at the Virginia State Fair.  He also held participant ribbons in the rooster and apple pie categories.

- Milliard Fillmore was also known as "The Uncle of the American Romance Novel."

- Abraham Lincoln once took a nap that lasted 14 months.

- Grover Cleveland was the 1st president (but certainly not the last) to have the distinction of being voted Best New Artist at the Latin Grammys.

- William Howard Taft once held the world record for consecutive perfectly sliced tomatoes with an astounding 33 "nice ones" in a row.

- Woodrow Wilson's interpretive dances to "Hail to the Chief" were beloved by audiences for years after his presidency.

- Dwight D. Eisenhower was the first president that was also a mixed martial artist.  He held black belts in Judo, Muy Thai, Brazilian Ju Jitsu, and Israeli Submission Wrestling.

- Lyndon B. Johnson was the stunt driver for every "Smokey and the Bandit" movie.  He remained close friends with Burt Reynolds until his passing.  Mr. Reynolds was a pallbearer at his funeral.

- Ronald Reagen wrote the novels, Cujo, Carrie, Salem's Lot, and The Shining under his pseudonym - Stephen King.

- Barack Obama was the original choice to play Jacob in the "Twilight" series but had to drop out at the last minute due to scheduling conflicts.  If you look at the bonus features on the "New Moon" DVD there is actually some footage of the president that was shot but not used in the film.

So I hope you enjoyed these dazzling delicious delights about the fathers of our country.  Just a quick note in passing, I am not 100% on the accuracy of these fun facts.  I'm sure they're all probably true though.  Yeah, you can tell everyone they're true.  Happy President's Day!!!

Really?

So apparently this magician's fish trick has animal rights groups all up in arms over in China.  They all have theories that the manner in which he trained them was inhumane.  Incidentally, don't you hate those people at magic shows that just know how the trick was done and share it with everyone in earshot.  Now if that dude really fed those fish magnets that is pretty foul.  My theory is much simpler.  Fish, and most other domesticated animals, think that anything of or associated with a human's hand is food.  I have two cats that still go after "imaginary cat treats" after a decade.  Besides, aren't there fish tricks that are much more harmful to fish.

Like this

And definitely this

Am I Forgetting Something?

So yesterday was Valentine's day.  I'm sure chocolate and flowers were exchanged.  Candlelit dinners were enjoyed.  And so on and so forth.  The other thing I am sure happened was that you read through 1001 Valentine's day gift guides.  I browsed some of them and as I suspected, there was nothing original again this year.  So I decided to do something truly helpful.  I am putting together a gift guide for the day after Valentine's day.  Maybe yesterday came and went without any gift exchange.  Maybe yesterday was a busy day and you had a lot on your mind.  Maybe you were watching your stories and lost track of the day.  Well whatever your reason, you forgot Valentine's day and this gift guide with help you with your romantic redemption.

The first item in my forgot Valentine's day gift guide is the leftover candy grab bag.  As any last minute shopper knows, they start breaking down the Valentine's day candy display at about 7am on Valentine's day to make way for the Easter candy,  So if you go into a store on the 15th looking for pink and red candy hearts, have very low expectations.  All that will be left at this point will be the nastiest of the nasty candy.  Think black licorice nasty.  Quantities will be small and selection will be nonexistent so you may need to check several stores.  The best place to look is at a drug store.  They are dependent of selling every bit of inventory so it's possible that you will still find Valentine's candy in late March.  Since this collection of misfit candy will more than likely contain none of her favorites it is best to go with quantity.  Depending on the lateness of your gift it is safe to go with two pounds of gross candy for everyday after the big day. 

The next item on the list may be a little hard to come by but will definitely get you off the hook for forgetting Valentine's day.  You need to get yourself a 1985 Delorean, preferably one with a flux capacitor.  Switch your time circuits on, set the date for February 14th, floor that bad boy to 88 miles per hour, and get your butt to the store to purchase a gift.  There is a very large degree of difficulty on procuring a gift like this, but it will be well worth it.  You have a potential do over for every Valentine's day, anniversary, or birthday that you just can't seem to remember. 

There is one final item on my list February 15th gift ideas.  If you totally forgot that yesterday was Valentine's day there is a very good chance that your significant other is angry with you.  In order to repair this rift in your relationship it will require a grand gesture.  And of all grand gestures, there are only two that are guaranteed winners.  The first is a full on cupid costume.  Were talking loin cloth, tiny wings, pink bow and arrow.  You have to go the full monty on this one or it just won't work.  The beauty of this is that it is a two pronged approach at redemption.  Not only will you be showing her that you actually do care, you will be totally degrading yourself in the process.  The other sure fire grand gesture is to hold a boom box above your head and play a Peter Gabriel song.  For those of you keeping score at home that is two references to 80's movies in today's blog.  Although it is not a necessity for this second method, having the actual John Cusack hold the boom box outside your lover's window would be a really nice touch.

So I hope these ideas are helpful in getting you out of the doghouse for forgetting Valentine's day.  Maybe if you treat her right the other 364 days of the year it won't be such a big deal if you don't celebrate a made up romantic holiday.  Just sayin'.

2011 Sandwich Hall Of Fame Inductees

Each year the Sandwich Hall of Fame committee, through a painstaking process, selects a group of sandwiches that they deem worthy to be hall of famers.  This year's class is a very worthy (and tasty) collection of burgers, hoagies, and sandwiches from all parts of the country.  If you get the opportunity you should honor these inductees by eating them.  I proudly present to you the 2011 Sandwich Hall Of Fame Inductees.



Actually, before I present the inductees, I would like to recognize the two finalists that did not quite make the cut.  First, we have The Prime Rib Peppercorn Sub from Quiznos.  The use of top notch ingredients and utilizing their patented Toasted Bun Technology was key.  However, the fact that the Quiznos closest to me closed about two years ago really hurt their chances of getting into the hall this year.  Next we have The Little Bacon Cheeseburger from Fives Guys Burgers and Fries.  Another great sandwich, but it just missed being honored this year.  I predict that if this burger works as hard as it has in the past, it is a shoe in for next year's induction class.  Now on the the honorees.

The Corned Beef and Provolone - Slacks Hoagie Shack

From humble beginnings (it was born in a shack) this hoagie pulled itself up by its bootstraps right into my tummy.  The thin slices of corned beef and provolone just plopped themselves down on a freshly baked Amoroso roll and said, "Go ahead, put whatever onions or mustard or whatever you crazy kids are eating these days on me and eat me!"  And you want to know something just between you and me?  I did.

Buffalo Chicken Cheesesteak - Any pizza place worth a damn

This sandwich combines two giants from the junk food universe.  It couples Buffalo wings and a cheesesteak making it the Brangelina of sandwiches.  Lets hope this power couple adopts some cheese fries.

The Double-Double - In-N-Out Burger

The thing that I loved about this sandwich was its simplicity.  It's just a couple of burger patties with cheese, lettuce, and onions on a bun.  It's almost like the Double-Double is saying, "Yeah I know I'm just a cheeseburger, but I'm really f-ing good at it."





The Roast Beef Schwartzie - Primo Hoagies

Roast beef, Swiss cheese, cole slaw, Russian dressing, bread.  When listed apart this looks like a shopping list for a very sad lonely man.  If you combine them, they become an unstoppable force of flavor, devastating any puny little appetite that crosses its path.

The Bobbie - Capriotti's Sandwich Shop

If you look at the picture to the left, you are probably not sure what you are seeing.  My friends, you are staring down the barrel of a loaded Bobbie.  Take turkey (roasted in-house), stuffing, cranberry sauce, and mayo and you have a full Thanksgiving dinner on a hoagie roll.  This sandwich will NOT be sitting at the kids table this year.

The Soprano - Carmine's Italian Market and Cafe

I stumbled upon this gem while vacationing in Williamsburg, Virginia.  I would like to set the mood for you.  The guy behind the counter begins with a loaf of Italian bread.  I don't just mean a hoagie roll, I mean a loaf.  If you were dining at an Italian restaurant and they brought a basket of bread for the table and you hoggishly ate all of it and asked for another basket, that is how big this loaf was.  This loaf was then loaded with meatballs the size of tennis balls.  It was then topped with about 3-4 pigs worth of spicy Italian sausage, followed by tasty marinara and a generous portion of mozzarella cheese.  I tried to attack this sandwich in one day (for lunch and dinner) and was out of commission for about the next 48 hours. 

After a long 40 year wait, the veteran's committee decided to finally induct Peanut Butter and Jelly With the Crusts Cut Off into the Sandwich Hall of Fame.  Way to go PB and J, it's been a long time coming.





So there you have it folks, a group of sandwiches as handsome as they are tasty.  These delicious sammies will be forever enshrined in the Sandwich Hall of Fame (aka my belly).  On a more sad note, I would like to announce that Subway is still banned from the Hall of Fame for being a total disgrace to sandwiches.  The only acceptable unit of measurement for the meat on a sandwich is and always will be fistful.

And The Oscar Goes To...Nick Nolte

Well we are only a couple weeks away from the 437th annual Academy Awards.  I'm sure everyone already has their Oscar ballots filled out and are all flustered putting their last minute touches on their Oscar parties.  What kind of sad group of individuals even has an Oscar party?  I would imagine it's the same kind of people that go all out for Arbor Day.  This year's ceremony will be hosted my James Franco and Anne Hathaway.  Of course we all remember James Franco as the lovable pot dealer Saul in "Pineapple Express" and Anne Hathaway as the lovable Princess Diary in "The Princess Diaries".  I suppose they are fitting hosts since James Franco is nominated for an Academy Award and Anne Hathaway also does films.  I'm sure this year will be a lot of the same.  There will be a red carpet.  I'm never really sure what constitutes a good dress or a bad dress.  I think it has something to do with the amount of visible swan you have on your dress.  Guys never make the best and worst dressed list because they all wear the same thing, a black tux.  Yeah, maybe Billy Bob Thornton will mix it up a little and wear a bolo tie, but they're all the same.  There will be the obligitory song and dance number.  I don't know this for sure, I'm just kind of taking it for granted there will be one.  It's kind of like a Lindsay Lohan relapse.  You don't want it to happen, but you know...you just know.

Well just in case you haven't made your Oscar picks yet, here are some of mine.  I don't mind you using them as a cheat sheet because if you actually fill out an Oscar ballot, there are no real winners.  Lets start with Best Picture.  This is the second year they are using the field of 10 nominated movies making this category the NBA playoffs of the Academy Awards.  I didn't actually see the movie, but I am going with "Black Swan".  It has everything a great movie needs:  ballet, creepy face paint, and hopefully actual swans.  The next category is Best Actress.  This is a tough one as there are many talented women nominated this year.  So when in doubt, go with the Dawson's Creek alum.  That is why I am picking Michelle Williams in "Blue Valentine".  Moving on we have the Best Actor category.  This is a no brainer.  I am going with Colin Firth.  As everyone knows, it is required by Hollywood  that you must love Colin Firth.  I've never seen a Colin Firth movie and probably couldn't pick him out of a lineup, but I just know I'm supposed to pick him for best actor.  I used some unconventional logic for my Best Supporting Actress pick.  I chose Amy Adams in "The Fighter".  I say unconventionl logic because instead of judging by strength of performance I looked at her next movie role.  There is something bizarre that happens when an actor or actress wins an Oscar.  They usually appear in something ridiculous for their next movie.  You can next see Amy in "The Muppets", coming this fall to a theater near you.  I don't know a lot about the men in the Best Supporting Actor category as I have seen none of their nominated movies.  There is John Hawkes, Jeremey Renner, Christian Bale, Geoffrey Rush, and Mark Ruffalo.  Let's see, did any of them previously portray Batman?  Yes, Christian Bale has played Batman twice, we have a winner.

So these are my picks, take them or leave them.  If you happen to tune into the Oscar broadcast, good for you, just don't bore me with how insulting it was that the orchestra played Carrot Top off during his moving acceptance speech.  In order to put things into perspective about how meaningless the Academy Awards and their ceremony is I will leave you with this.  Ben Affleck, Lionel Ritchie, and Eminem all have Oscars.  Sylvester Stallone has been nominated twice (which he says is an honor just to have been nominated).  It's true, Google it.

The Agony Of Defeat

Well it's no secret that the Pittsburgh Steelers lost the Super Bowl last night.  I am a lifelong Steelers fan so as you can imagine the loss doesn't make me want to do cartwheels down the sidewalk.  I'm definitely going to do cartwheels down the sidewalk today, but for entirely different reasons.  If you add in the fact that it is a Monday, you can do the math and figure out that I am in a sour mood today.  Rather than bash the Steelers and their mediocre play in the biggest game of the year, I'm going to go after easier targets.  That's right, I'm going to take out my aggression on Christina Aguilera and The Black Eyed Peas. 

So what happened with Christina Aguilera and the national anthem?  I didn't have a problem with her singing.  It was typical Christina Aguilera shooting really big noises out of her mouth.  How do you mess up the words to a song that the average 3rd grader knows?  I don't sing the national anthem everyday, and if you put me on the spot, I would probably duff a couple of the lyrics too.  Here is the difference.  If you asked me to sing it in front of people, I would probably take a look see at a lyric sheet if I was a little shaky on what the words to the song were.  Also, it was the Super Bowl.  Did she think that nobody would be watching?  Maybe she figured since it was before kickoff, everyone was still in the kitchen grabbing plates of wings.  Whatever the reason, I hope they never ask her back to sing....anywhere....ever.  Her last album tanked, her acting debut in "Burlesque" ate it, and I am willing to bet if I said, "Christina Aguilera go in the kitchen and make me a grilled cheese," she would burn it.

Next we have the halftime show featuring The Black Eyed Peas.  Sweet Lord where do I start?  I actually went into halftime with not extremely low expectations.  I'm not a huge fan of them, but they aren't geriatric like the last few halftime performers, so how bad could it be?  They definitely showed me just how bad.  Let me start by saying it isn't fair to lump all of the Peas into one big pile of sucking.  My main beef is with Fergie.  Why is she in this group?  She obviously can't sing.  She isn't going to win any beauty pageants unless it's the Miss Meth Addict At A Cleveland Bus Station.  I wonder if Regis will host that again this year?  She's not a good dancer.  Fergie really has no discernible talents whatsoever.  The first two or three seconds of her singing the mic was not turned on.  My opinion is they should have quit there while they were ahead.  The next few lines of butchered singing made me think that if she was on American Idol, Randy would be holding a paper in front of his face to hide his laughter and ask, "Dog, are you for real?  Dog, seriously dog.  Dog, please."  So then after we all suffered through a couple songs they brought out Slash.  Slash = awesome.  GNR = awesome.  Fergie slaughtering GNR even with backing guitars by Slash = painful.  I think after this disaster The Black Eyed Peas should have a meeting to discuss a new token female singer.  I hear Christina Aguilera is looking for work.  If I can say one thing on a positive note.  The dancers wearing the light up TRON suits were very cool.  So if you muted the horrible singing and just watched them, I suppose it wouldn't have been half bad.

So all in all the Super Bowl was not at all super.  Both teams played very average games.  The Packers just played a little better than average.  The pregame and halftime "entertainment" was dreadful.  The commercials were alright, but not necessary (see my last post).  I guess I will just have to get ready for March Madness or the four months of hockey playoffs coming up.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsers

Well tomorrow is the Super Bowl and for most people (whose teams are not playing) that means it is the time of the year to get jazzed up about Super Bowl commercials.  Sure there are a lot of great ones.  Who can forget that beer commercial or the one with Mike Ditka.  Actually don't most Super Bowl commercials feature a cameo by Mike Ditka?  I know that a completely unoriginal idea would be to sit here and write all about my favorite Super Bowl ads and why I liked them, but I'm not going to do that.  Today I'd like to talk about the greatest commercial of all time. 

It was the golden age of television...the mid 90's.  It wasn't like today where you have 100's of channels to flip through for hours and hours.  You had to sift your crap TV from about 40 or 50 channels (three of them were CSPAN).  Anyways it was in 1996 that this little gem made its way onto the small screen and into television history.

How could you do better than this ad?  It features a product that all of us have had a use for at one time or another.  Show me the person who has never had bad breath in public and I will show you a person who probably has regular dental hygiene habits.  More importantly it features one of the greatest actors who has ever lived:  George Kennedy.  He has had unforgettable roles in movies such as, "Cool Hand Luke", "The Naked Gun", "The Naked Gun 2 1/2", "The Naked Gun 33 1/3", and probably a bunch of other stuff too.  Now I know this commercial could be number one of all time just on George Kennedy's sheer star power, but there is so much more.  There is also the extremely low production value.  This commercial decided to go with the quality of film generally reserved for local KIA dealership advertisements.  Next you have the chart featuring the outline of the human body with the path to the stomach.  When was the last time a Tic-Tac commercial dropped some science on you?  I'll tell you when....NEVER.  Finally, you round out this genius with the most brilliant supporting cast.  Who could forget the lady with the sharp, red blazer?  Then you have that one guy with glasses that says something or other.   I only have two words:  brill and iant.

So tomorrow I am sure there will be ads that are clever and memorable, but let's be honest.  None of them will hold a candle to the Breath Asure commercial.  They might as well all save their $3 million per ad and just show this one during every break.  I would be happy, America would be happy, and most importantly, George Kennedy would be happy.  Is he even still alive?  That, I do not know. It required way more research than I felt like doing for this post.  But if you are still out there, God bless you George Kennedy, you magnificent bastard!

Give The Empire Some Love

Just wanted to plug a site real quick like.  It's called The Nerd Empire.  I know the dude who runs the site and he comes from a very distinguished lineage.  As an added bonus, I am an occasional contributor to the site so if you love every second of your time here you will love the site.  One word of caution:  do not corner the nerds...they will attack.

Welcome Aboard

Well, here it is folks.  In keeping with my usual pace of being waaaaayyyyy behind the times, I decided to create a blog.  Not sure exactly what I will write about. I imagine it will be a lot of things to primarily amuse myself.  I also don't know how often I will post stuff.  Maybe 1-2 times a week, maybe this post will sit alone for years to come.  Well this appears to be a very glowing preview of what is to come.  Hope you like it.