Travel Do's And Don'ts

There comes a time in every person's life when they must leave the confines of their house, apartment, hut, '78 El Camino, or what have you.  I am, of course, talking about travel.  This is done for a variety of reasons such as a vacation or model railroad enthusiast convention (not for the faint of heart, believe you me).  Here are a few tips when you find yourself out of the house and flying the friendly skies.  Yes, these tips will only apply to air travel (unless your car is awesome).  Road trips will be covered at a later date (date to be determined by my procrastination).

DO allow yourself extra time at the airport so that you can make your flight.  That's just good sense.
DON'T allow so much extra time that people think you are living at the airport like in that awful Tom Hanks movie.

DO pack light.  The less you pack the less there is for baggage handlers to rummage through.
DON'T skimp on the underpants when packing light.  Here's a handy equation to determine the number of pairs needed:  U = D + 2 where U is the number of pairs of underpants and D is the number of days in your trip.  Why the + 2?  Simply because there is nothing quite like a fresh pair of underpants.  You probably thought I was going to go gross there, but I didn't.  You're welcome.

DO stop at the duty free and purchase a massive Toblerone candy bar.  You never know when the foundation to your home will need a little shoring up.
DON'T gloat that you didn't pay duty every time you pour your friends a shot from your 3 gallon jug of Absolut vodka.  Nobody likes a bragger.

DO inform friends and loved ones that you have arrived at your destination safely.  It is the courteous thing to do.
DON'T update Facebook and Twitter at every stage of travel.  Going through security.  Plane is taking off.  Air Marshal is tasering me because I refuse to turn off my electronic device.  Almost done with my overly thorough cavity search, etc.

DO your homework before you visit a new place.  When you wait until you arrive and ask for travel advice from a cab driver with whom you share an obvious language barrier you can't get angry when they take you to a back alley unsanctioned chess tournament.
DON'T eat a bunch of Taco Bell Gorditas and call it doing your homework before going to Mexico for the 1st time (feel free to insert your own joke with the "authentic" ethnic eatery of your choice).

DO store your carry on items in the overhead compartments.
DON'T store your carry on items in the overhead compartment above my seat.  It is my overhead compartment and if any of the 38 collectible kitten figurines that I will not travel without are damaged from you jamming an oversized bag in next to mine, I WILL cut you.

So if you want to have a fantastic, worry free trip, make sure to take note of the tips provided.  Or don't, and have a crappy trip.  Your call.

I Heart Tacos

If you travelled the world in search of the greatest cuisine, somewhere along the line you would encounter the taco.  Many people would keep on travelling in search of something better.  I, on the other hand, would end my search right there because I know that any other food would be inferior to the taco.  To continue searching would really just be a lie so you could make that trip to Dollywood that you've always wanted.  Because the taco is one of Mexico's greatest gifts to my tummy, logic dictates that I must honor it with the ancient Japanese art of Haiku.

Tacos can be soft

They may also be crunchy

Bite them all with joy

Fill this shell with meat

Do not forget to add cheese

Lettuce?  You Decide 

In my tortilla

The beef is the spiciest

My stomach is pleased

Taco to my lips

The first bite is ecstasy

Damn it's on my pants

Taco Bell is gross

Sometimes tacos are needed

Fine, to the drive-thru

Corn vessel folded

Toppings added for pleasure

Hamburger?  Hell no

Beef chicken or pork

Salsa mild medium hot

Hmmmm...choices, choices

My mouth craves goodness

Ortega Taco Dinner

This box knows my wants

Taco bought from truck

It seemed like a good idea

Greetings my toilet

I hope these fine poetry selections inspire you to sample this fine dining that is the taco.  I know that I am definitely wanting one right about now.  So eat a taco and enjoy, it may just be nature's perfect food.  What's that?  Tacos aren't natural?  Well eat one anyways, your tummy will say, "gracias."

Ninja Rap

My last post about the silver screen gem Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze included a segment about Vanilla Ice and his Ninja Rap.  I received a request to post video of it.  Here is the Ninja Rap in all of its glory.  Enjoy!

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze

I know what you are thinking.  That this post has a really long title and that is an indication of its epicness.  Well you are half right, this post does have a really long title.  Speaking of titles, our profile of greatness spotlights the 1991 sequel to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II.  The reason that we are not talking about the original film is that this was one of the rare cases that the sequel was superior to the original film.  I will attempt to illustrate why this was the case with the following arguments.

The first thing that makes this a great movie is brought to our attention immediately.  I am, of course, talking about the opening title sequence.  For no particular reason it is a montage of the good people of New York City (or actors portraying the good people of NYC) eating pizza.  It starts off innocent enough, but then ventures into the silly.  There is a scene of a cop handcuffed to a perp and the cop is smashing an oversized slice of New York style thin crust into his gullet.  This would never happen in real life.  And yes, before you ask, I do realize that I am questioning the authenticity of a movie that features turtles that carry swords and kick people.  I really loved how they knew that the movie was so good that they attempted to bring it to a screeching halt before it really started just to show that is was so good it would overcome.

The second thing that makes this movie better than the first one was the lighter mood.  The first one had a very dark feel and had characters that were brooding.  Part two kept pace with a joke or awful pun once every 8.7 seconds.  It was nice that sometime between parts one and two someone took it to the side and reminded it that is was a movie about ninja turtles and to stop taking itself so seriously.  So for the sequel they ditched the raw and gritty for the bright and cheery.  And it's a good thing too because I am a guy who likes his turtles bright and cheery.

The name of the movie says it all, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  In the history of cinema there cannot be more than 10 movies made that feature people in ridiculous animal costumes that practice martial arts.  Outside of the Ninja Turtle movie series there may not be any at all.  I say when you are given a glorious combination like that you enjoy it to the fullest.  I know that maybe turtle masks and martial arts may sound like a strange combo, but I am willing to bet people told Mr Reese the same thing when he thought of chocolate and peanut butter together in a delicious cup.  And those people were wrong....dead wrong. 

My final point is really the cornerstone of my argument of this movie's superiority.  Not just over the original film and the other lame sequels, but over 95% of all other movies ever made.  That point consists of just two words:  Ninja Rap.  The climax of the movie had our heroes battling other large mutants and venturing into a night club.  At this particular club, one Vanilla Ice was doing what was sure to be a sold out performance.  After the initial shock and fear of seeing battling super mutants Mr. Ice begins to find the turtles funky and fresh.  This inspires him to an impromptu performance of rapping and dancing known forever as "Ninja Rap."  Vanilla Ice later trashed his cameo in the movie and called it the low point of his career.  In response to that I say, "Yo Ice have you seen 'Cool as Ice', that is one God awful movie."  For that matter let's look at his smash album "To The Extreme".  Can anyone here name two songs on that album that weren't Ice Ice Baby?  Show of hands?  Anybody?  So maybe we can cool it on pooping on a performance that delighted millions of kids and megadorks like me. 

So there you have it folks, another profile in cinematic greatness.  A wonderful film that covers the gambit of pizza, turtles, ooze, rapping, and ninjaing.  Unfortunately many will write this off a kid's movie with no substance.  But if you look deeper it is much more.  It is a kid's movie with no substance that has a Vanilla Ice cameo.  You have to enjoy the little things people.

Gone But Not Forgotten

Just in case you didn't get it, my last post was a lame April Fool's joke.

I'm the kind of guy that when I fall for a certain type of food or beverage, I fall hard.  I have had long enjoyable relationships with many foods and drinks, some even to this day.  Alas, things don't always work out and I have had my heart (and stomach) broken.  Without any warning, these delicious items are taken from me without any signs of coming back.  Here is a list of foods and drinks that left me at the food altar. 

Hi-C Ecto Cooler - This was one of my first food heartbreaks as it happened when I was just a boy.  Ecto Cooler was a green flavored drink that was a tie-in to the movie Ghostbusters.  Even though I really enjoyed the thirst quenching slime colored goodness that was Ecto Cooler, I understand why it went away.  Since there hasn't been a Ghostbusters movie in about 20 years (and no that doesn't mean we are due for a remake) it would be odd to keep it around. 

Ben and Jerry's Kaberry Kaboom Ice Cream - This was a very tough loss for me because I felt it was completely unjustified.  So here was the basic premise of the ice cream for those that never basked in its glory.  It was a mixed berry flavored ice cream with a secret ingredient....wait for it....POP ROCKS!  So the berry flavor was solid enough that it would have been fine just like that.  But then you add the tiny Pop Rock explosions and was like Mardi Gras for your mouth.  The evil bastard Ben and his maniacal sidekick Jerry were jealous and put this flavor of ice cream to death.  It's true, there is a flavor graveyard at their headquarters and it has a headstone and everything. 

Doritos Black Pepper Jack - I want to start out by saying that I love Doritos.  Cool Ranch and I have been together for a long, long time.  But sometimes in a long relationship, you have to spice things up.  That was where Black Pepper Jack came in.  It was the tastiest of all of Doritos' hundreds of flavors.  Just like the old story goes, boy meets tortilla chip, tortilla chip leaves boy because it was only a limited run flavor, boy is sad, tortilla chip occasionally comes back for more limited runs and then leaves boy again.  Doritos comes out with a new flavor every 2 or 3 days but none has come close.  All of the flavors are variations of the words spicy, zesty, pizza, and taco and they all taste the same.  I just have to sit around and wait for the next limited run.

Bush's Bold and Spicy Baked Beans - For a very long time the only thing you could do to baked beans to add excitement was to add sliced up hot dogs to make beanie weenies.  Bush's came along and flipped the whole baked bean world upside down.  New flavors came along like Boston Style and Barbecue, but the pinnacle of their baked bean technology was Bold and Spicy.  This was like the Antonio Banderas of baked beans.  It was hot, spicy, and caused flatulence.  Ok, so maybe that analogy doesn't completely work, but you get the idea.  Then with no explanation it was just gone.  I went to the baked bean section of my local grocer and could not find them.  All of Bush's 68 other flavors of baked beans remain, almost mocking me because they took my favorite (and by favorite I mean the only one I actually tried).

Burger King Cheesy Tots - Of all the foods I have lost over the years, this was the hardest to come to grips with.  I still struggle with the grief today.  It was a deep fried tater tot filled with cheese.  It was so simple but so delicious, like a plate of cheese fries in every bite.  What made it special was that no other fast food place offered anything like this.  Burger King didn't even know that what they had was one of a kind and they tossed it into the gutter.  Well I don't know that it was that dramatic, it's just not on their menu anymore.  This was a very tough one to lose, because it made the stomach illness that I suffered from eating their other foods totally worth it. 

They say that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  But you know what?  That doesn't put cheesy tots in my belly does it?  I have lost so many foods that I love over the years and because I love eating I am sure I will lose many more.  With food companies trying to adapt to an ever changing world of tastes and severe lack of the busting of ghosts, foods will come and go quickly forever.  I just wish they'd ask me first.

On a side note, if any of these fine products exist in your area, let me know and I will be forever in your debt.  Or if you wanted to really be forever in my debt, bring it to me and cook it for me.

All Good Things...

Well it is with a very sad heart that I tell you that this will be my last blog.  I have decided to leave well enough alone and shut down Blog The Super Blog!  It's not really just one thing that brought me to this decision, it is a lot of things combined.  First of all, I think I have tapped out my creativity.  I just have a lot of trouble thinking of things to write about and this has caused the blog to seem more like work than fun.  Another reason is that my schedule  has just become too hectic to continue writing regularly enough to keep this thing going.  There is a lot to do in a given day and when you combine that with the new seasons of American Idol and The Voice...well you can do the math.  So I thank all of you loyal readers of the past couple of months.  I hope you enjoyed it and I hope I made you laugh at least a little.  I also hope you got at least one or two of my way too many references to 80's movies.  I apologize, I guess you'll just have to find another source for useless writing about bad TV shows and stuff.  I will leave you with one nugget of wisdom from the German philosopher Heinrich Von Denkockt.

"etad eht ta kool a ekat, ecilsemoh erehwyna gniog t'nia golb siht."

I left it in his native German because it loses a lot in the translation.  Farewell, my friends.