End Of Year Van Der Beek Countdown Spectacular

Well there is a little more than a day left in 2011 and what a year it has been.  This is a very common time to compile lists of our favorite things and count them down.  As you know, I am a slave to trends so my blog will be no different.  In honor of the great year that was 2011, I will be counting down the top 5 James Van Der Beek films of all time.

5 - Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) - I thought this was a great movie.  It was hilarious and raunchy.  Believe it or not this was a star-studded film including one Mr. James Van Der Beek.  Even though this is probably my favorite movie on this list, there wasn't enough Beek for my buck.  He probably only has about 3 minutes of total screen time and that is why this is number five on my list.

4 - Varsity Blues (1999) - A lot of people may think this film should be much higher on the list because it is James Van Der Beek's big starring role.  Here is the problem and why it is only number four on the list.  James is given a big time movie role and he practically gave this film away to Scott Caan.  Very few people even remember that Van Der Beek was in this movie because they are captivated by Caan's riveting performance as "Tweeter".

3 - Texas Rangers (2001) - This is a movie about James Van Der Beek on a horse with some other people also on horses.  I assume they shoot at stuff and probably some other stuff happens.  I never actually saw this movie.  It made number three on the list because of how bad ass Van Der Beek looks on the movie poster.  I mean c'mon look at him...bad ass.

2- Angus (1995) - In this movie James plays "Rick", the dick quarterback that bullies a fat kid named "Angus".  This is his first movie role and the rare phenomenon in Hollywood of using a teenage actor to play a teenage role.  It was pretty groundbreaking at the time considering the average age of actors playing teens was 37.  If you're in the mood for some Pre-Creek Beek, this is the movie for you.

1 - The Rules of Attraction (2002) - This is the number one James Van Der Beek movie of all time.  It doesn't really make number one based on his performance.  All he was required to do was take huge swigs of whiskey straight from the bottle and perform some intense brow furrowing.  I'm just a really big fan of this movie because it's a dark story with interesting characters.  As an added bonus Van Der Beek happens to have the lead.  He does have a little help from his friends on this one.  Be sure to look for "Rookie of the Year"'s Thomas Ian Nicholas playing a douchey rich college kid and "Little Monsters"'s Fred Savage as "A Junkie Named Marc".

So there you have it, another year on the books and five movies that are sure to be added to the top of your Netflix queue.  Be sure to check back next year as I will try really hard to write more.  Or I won't and you'll be stuck reading a good blog instead.  Have a Van Der Beek New Year!!!!

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Critters 2: The Main Course

Today's profile is a real treat.  I will be talking about the classic 1988 film "Critters 2: The Main Course".  I have seen this movie about 30 or 40 times and it gets better every time I...no it's a fairly awful movie, but we will keep going anyways.

The original "Critters" was about little, flesh eating aliens that terrorized a small town.  In a very risky move they strayed from the sure-fire formula of the first film,  "Critters 2" was about a small town that was terrorized by little, flesh eating aliens.  The two ideas are so vastly different that you can barely even call this a sequel.  There were characters common to both films and I think both were set in the same small town.  So there were things that tied these films together.  

In all seriousness, there are very few ways to distinguish the first movie from the second.  It was almost as if they made "Critters 2" as a crappy homage to the already crappy "Critters".  As it turns out, "Critters" was made to capitalize on the popularity of the movie "Gremlins".  So "Critters 2" is a bad copy of a horrible ripoff.  With all of the great things I have said so far I don't why you are still reading this and not on your way to the local video store to rent or buy it. 

There is one guaranteed way to know whether you are watching part one or part two.  That reason is Scott Grimes.  He was smartly carried over from the first film.  The way you can tell you are watching "Critters 2" is that Scott Grimes is slightly older, slightly wiser, but just as ginger as in the original.  Casting Grimes in the sequel was a stroke of genius because you're not going to not see a movie with Scott Grimes in it.  That's would be crazy. 

Other than Scott Grimes, everything else is just about the same.  Small town people portrayed in an over the top redneck stereotype fashion....check.  Furry little aliens that roll (and by roll I mean are pulled by wires that they don't even attempt to hide) and bite people...check.  Shape-shifting alien bounty hunters with advanced weapons that do zilch to stop the critters so the small town people have to come up with a plan and defeat the little monsters in a folksy manner...double check.  Scott Grimes gets the girl...eww, but check.

You're probably wondering why I chose to review "Critters 2" instead of "Critters".  Normally I would tell you not to think so much because my profiles are about terrible 80's movies.  But today I will share.  The biggest difference between the first and second movies is that part two didn't even try to take itself seriously like the first one did.  I have a lot of respect for terrible filmmakers who realize, and even cherish, that they are making a terrible film.  Also, "Critters 3" and "Critters 4" were just really, really bad and unwatchable.

So if you're in the mood for a really good Sci-Fi/Horror film, watch "Aliens".  If the video store doesn't have that, or "Alien", or "The Terminator", or "T2", or Gremlins 2: The New Batch", or "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" or "Sex And The City 2", you should definitely rent "Critters 2".  No matter what film you choose, make sure you appreciate that you are in one of  only five remaining video stores left in the world.  The best part is that you can go ahead and keep the movie because the video store will most likely be gone within the week.

Eleven Eleven Eleven

So as you may or may not know, today is November 11th, 2011.  If you were to write that date out numerically, it would be either 11/11/11 or 11/11/11 depending on whether you lead off with the day or month.  Because this particular date works out to be in a pattern people have worked themselves up into quite a lather.  I haven't seen people this excited since about this time last year when it was 10/10/10. 

I don't really find any of this all that exciting.  Mostly because it has happened once a year for the last 10 years.  Guess what else happens once a year:  Arbor Day and the Country Music Awards.  Both of these have been going on for longer than a decade and are barely blips on my radar.  Just to clarify, I picked Arbor Day and the CMA's at random.  I wasn't trying to alienate the portion of my audience that are fans of trees and spousal abuse. 

I do understand that with all those elevens, people just want to have some fun with it.  I'm ok with that, just don't try to force significance on the date.  Unless you are a part of the very small portion of the earth's population that will be meeting Regis Philbin for the 1st time today, I highly doubt you will remember anything that happens today (we're gonna miss you Regis!).  I'll wager that there will be nothing any more memorable today than there is anything unlucky that happens on a Friday the 13th.

Perhaps I am just being a party pooper.  Speaking of which, I have heard people are having 11/11/11 parties.  That just seems silly.  It's not like people ever needed a reason to party on a Friday night before.  If you did really need a reason to party, it is Veteran's day.  I understand that this is traditionally a more somber and respectful holiday, but it doesn't have to be that way.  As a former service member, I can tell you from first hand experience.  The men and women of America's Armed Forces, when given the chance, know how to get down.

So have your fun today.  It is November 11th, 2011.  There are very few chances for friends and family to get together and have fun this time of year (except Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, New Year's, and probably Arbor Day).  Also, it's not like we have December 12th, 2012 (12/12/12) to look forward to because, as everyone knows, the world is ending before that.  Have a nice day!!!

Dessert Island

I'll go ahead and start this off by saying that the spelling error in the title is intentional.  As a matter of fact, all spelling errors on this site are intentional (yeah, that's the ticket).  Many people have lists of things they would bring to a desert island.  Some of the more common ones are books the would bring or music they would bring.  The music list is kind of a sham because with enough time, any song can become "Macarena".  I wanted to do a list of less common things I would bring to the island, for example dessert (see what I did there?).

Dessert - I guess it would make sense to start with the dessert I would bring to a desert island since I have been beating you over the head with it.  I think I would have to bring my all-time favorite dessert: Angel Food Cake.  In case you were looking, there is no joke there, I just really like Angel Food Cake.

Saved By The Bell Castmember - Many people may think that Mario Lopez would be the obvious choice but I would go with Mark Paul Gosselaar.  He would provide hours of entertainment regaling you with stories from the set of "Franklin and Bash".  Also you could probably make a decent rope with his hair.

Coffee Additive - This one is a no-brainer.  I would definitely bring Non-Dairy Coffee Creamer.  It's a desert island.  If you didn't choose non-dairy it would spoil in the heat.  Duh!

Sock - I really struggled with this one for a long time.  While a crew length sock would provide better protection from the sun and insect bites, an ankle high sock would keep you from overheating.  In the end I chose the crew length because let's face it, ankle socks are kind of 80's.

Standard Of Measurement - I know this choice may not be very patriotic, but I would use the Metric System.  I'm stranded on a desert island, I have bigger fish to fry than remembering measurement conversions that aren't powers of ten.

Star Trek Sequel - Without even thinking about it I would choose "Star Trek V: The Final Frontier".  Some of you might be wondering why I would chose, without a doubt, the worst of the Star Trek sequels.  The way I see it, since I don't have anything to watch it with anyways, I might as well vent some frustration by smashing it with a rock.

Item Of Clothing From American Eagle's Fall Collection - This was another tough one but I finally landed on the AE Plaid Workwear Flannel in orange.  I think it would really make my eyes pop and it would go great with this pair of jeans I have.  Even if you are stranded on a desert island, there is nothing wrong with feeling pretty.

Mid-Size Sedan - Because of it's roomy interior and great fuel efficiency I decided to go with the Nissan Altima.  The handling is a little choppy, but it has the best 0 to 60 time of any vehicle in its class.

Item Currently In My Line Of Sight - Well I guess if I had to choose I would pick the blue and orange Nerf football.  This category didn't really provide me with a lot of options.  The football would most likely prove slightly more useful than the napkin from Chipotle.

Home Workout Device - I wouldn't bring any of them.  They are bulky and let's be honest for a moment, if I don't use them at home, I'm sure as hell not going to use them on a desert island.

Maybe you like my desert island choices, or maybe you would go a different way.  If you have a better choice for your desert island list let me know.  Also if you have any other categories that you are interested in hearing my choices let me know.  I think we can all agree it would just be easier to not ever go to a desert island.

Pants!

We are officially into the month of October which means autumn is in full swing now.  This time of year takes people's minds to many different places.  Some people think of the harvest season.  Others may think of the leaves on the trees changing colors.  I think about it as the time of the year when I have to put away my shorts and start wearing long pants.  In this crazy, mixed-up world there are many choices when it come to pants.  Since many of you know I am a bit of a fashionista, I will attempt to guide you through this veritable forest of pants to help you make the right choice.  One note in passing, I know zilch about women's fashion so this one is for the guys.  Don't worry ladies, I didn't forget about you.  Here is a picture of a probably expensive shoe...enjoy.

The first type of pants I would like to talk about are skinny jeans.  Depending on your build this can either be a fashion home run or a fashion fall on your face while walking to home plate.  If you are a slender man, skinny jeans are very key to a cooler weather wardrobe.  But how do you know if you are slender enough to pull them off (or should I say pull them on)?  My rule of thumb is when another person sees you in them if they are reminded to not let the kielbasa they have in the microwave explode, you may want to find a denim alternative.  Personally, I don't wear skinny jeans cuz my nuts don't fit (much to the dismay of Jay-Z and my wife I will never stop saying that). 

Another way to go when it comes to pants is cargo pants.  While this may seem like a very useful pair of pants, I've always thought of cargo pants as a damned if you do, damned if you don't trouser option.  If someone sees you wearing cargo pants and the pockets are flat and unused they think of you as a person who wastes valuable cargo space.  On the other hand, if you are in public with the cargo pockets bulging from the vast payload, people instinctively call the police (as they should).  I would say unless you are a safari tour guide or a fly-fishing enthusiast, wear cargo pants at your own risk.

I hesitate to even list this as an option but lets talk for a second about leather pants.  Unless you are a member of Motley Crue, don't.   Bup-bup-bup...trust me, just don't.

The next category of pants are anything that can appropriately be referred to as "slacks" or "trousers".  This type of pants would consist mainly of what you would find at The Gap or Banana Republic.  These are very sensible pants.  They tell everyone that you are responsible and that you don't have to post date the check for the gas bill.  You can walk tall with a sense of pride because you have it "going on".  The obvious drawback to trousers and slacks is the price.  Nothing can ruin feeling like a million bucks like ruining your pricey pants with one ill-advised order of sloppy nachos.  Make sure to pick your spots with this type of pants.

Athletic pants, such as sweatpants or warm up pants, are great for working out or for a non-verbal way of telling the world you just don't give a damn anymore.  When you see a man with sweatpants on at the grocery store and he has a shopping cart full of canned chili, you don't even need to ask it it's for chili party.  Well to be fair, it probably is for a chili party, just the very, very sad kind.  Maybe you have a great idea for a new business and you go to the bank for some start up money.  It's a pretty safe bet that the man in sweatpants in line ahead of you is not going to beat you to the punch.  I don't want you to think I am anti-sweatpants.  If used properly they are essential to a man's wardrobe.  If you see someone at the gym on a treadmill wearing a pair of jeans, again, you instinctively (and correctly) call the police. 

I guess the moral of the story is there is no one right or wrong pair of pants to wear when the weather gets cooler.  Let me rephrase that.  With the exception of jeggings (which are all kinds of wrong), there is no one right or wrong pair of pants to wear.  My experience is that men have a natural instinct when if comes to what kind of pants to wear on what occasion.  All we have to do is learn to do the exact opposite of that instinct and we will be dressed just fine.

Who Is Watching?

Tonight was the 63rd Annual Emmy Awards, but if anyone asks, I was totally watching the Eagles game.  Anyways, tonight I'd like to talk about television.  More specifically I'd like to talk about television that I am not sure why it is still on the air.  I'm talking about the shows that when they are brought up or when you see a commercial for them you are puzzled that they weren't cancelled 2-3 years ago.

The Bachelor/The Bachelorette

This show is sort of the great-aunt of dating shows.  This is probably the last one still on the air that doesn't have a washed up rapper in it.  I remember this show being very popular a few years ago.  People were invested in it and seemed to care if the bachelor and whoever got the final rose actually got married.  I NEVER hear anyone talking about this show anymore.  Yet here we are and this show is still on TV easily two years after everyone stopped watching it. 

Big Brother

When this show was stolen from European television and brought to the United States, it was HUGE.  CBS aired it six nights a week.  They had the Big Brother: After Dark show on Showtime.  Julie Chen had to be plugged in and recharged several times a day due to over use.  Then America got wise and realized that if they wanted to watch boring, unattractive people sit on the couch, they would just put a mirror in the living room.  So why is this show still on TV?  If you host a show and are married to the president of the network it airs on, you're boring show doesn't get cancelled.  As a matter of fact, you will probably get to host a few more terrible shows as well.

American Idol/America's Next Top Model/America's Got Talent

There hasn't been one since Kelly Clarkson.  There has never been one.  And no, no we don't.

Every Basic Cable Reality Show

It all started with The Deadliest Catch and now 15,000 different reality shows later, here we are. Due to the sheer number of shows there are, there cannot possibly a large enough audience to keep any of them on the air. Plus they crank these shows out so quickly, the content is just God awful. Maybe that is part of the allure and I can dig that. But I will say that even if you can't take your eyes off of a horrific car accident, you wouldn't camp out at the same intersection every week looking for another one.

CSI/NCIS/Law & Order/Homicide/JAG/Burn Notice/Cold Case

To answer the question put forth in the title of this blog: apparently everyone. The police procedural shows are ratings juggernauts. My only problem with these shows besides the overkill in the amount of them is that for shows that are numbers one through ten in the ratings week to week I don't watch any of them and don't know anyone who does.

So for the amount of time I spend flipping channels and the amount of crap on TV I have to endure, one might think it would be better to shut it off and crack open a book.  But, whether you are a casual reader of this blog or have read every single one, I think we all know that just isn't going to happen.

I Heart YouTube

There are a number of activities in which I use the internet.  These activities include watching my online stock portfolio, checking Ke$ha's tour schedule, and posting my Strawberry Shortcake fan fiction.  Oh yeah, don't forget the nonsense I write here.  While all of these things provide a certain level of happiness, nothing comes close to the joy that I get watching videos on YouTube.  I watch a lot of videos, but they can be broken down into these four categories.

The thing that I use YouTube for the most is looking at music videos.  Sometimes you have to hear a song right away.  Then you realize that you're too cheap to download it from iTunes.  Then you realize you aren't cheap afterall, "Rump Shaker" by Wrecks-N-Effect isn't quite worth 99 cents.  I just head to YouTube and search for all my favorite jams.  Due to the number of butts in the "Rump Shaker" video I decided to post something a little more family friendly.

The next category of videos that I like to look at is called random bullcrap.  This category really covers a lot of ground.  Maybe I might find a local television commercial that has good intentions but really just comes across as racist.  Maybe I might find a really cool clip of Super Mario Brothers auto-tuned (way cooler than it sounds).  Or maybe I might find something like this:

Ever since I was a kid I have enjoyed the kind of humor that came at other people's expense.  I would just laugh for hours when my little brothers would "fall down".  So it's no surprise that I love videos of people getting hurt doing really dumb things.  And believe me when I tell you that you can see someone getting seriously injured doing ANYTHING.  All you have to do is go to the search bar, type in any activity you could possibly think of plus the word fail.  Then just sit back and enjoy.

The final category of YouTube videos that I love is cute cats.  Actually I am just kidding (as far as you know).  The popularity and sheer volume of cute cat clips actually baffles me.  I am a cat owner so I have no beef with the felines, but what is the appeal?  There are just hours and hours of videos of cats on YouTube.  Each video will have a minimum of 13 million views.  If someone can explain what would make you want to watch cat videos all day, everyday, I'd like to know.

So, if you're like me and are always needing new ways to put off doing things that are actually valuable uses of your time, look no further than YouTube.  You'll laugh, you'll cringe, and most important you'll get down to the sweet sounds of R&B from the 80's and 90's.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Commando

Well boys and girls, it is once again time for a Profile In Cinematic Greatness.  Today's film is titled "Commando".  Those of you who are not familiar with this 1985 film may think it was the story of a man who didn't wear briefs under his pants, but I assure, this was not the case.  No, this was one of the all-time greats in terms of 80's action movies.  And if you watch closely you may recognize that the lead is none other than former governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.  It seems that before he got into politics he dabbled in feature films.  There were many classic Arnold movies, but for my money this was one of his best.  It's no "Junior", but it's pretty good.

This movie started out the way most movies about former special forces members start out, with them trying to live a normal life.  But we all know that if it was the 80's or 90's you didn't put Arnold in a movie about being a normal dad.  Could you imagine if he would have made a movie about being a normal dad doing something like buying a coveted toy for his kid at Christmas?  Anyways, within five minutes into the film his daughter was abducted and he was forced to once again become a "Commando".  There was a lot of punching, shooting, and explosions.  All of this was pretty standard fare for a Schwarzenegger film.  I'd like to tell you why I thought this one was better than most of the rest.

If you were a fan of Arnold's movies, or even if you hated them but watched them for the phenomenal cinematography, you knew that he would use awful tough guy puns.  For this movie he put on a clinic.  I'm not sure that he had any lines in this movie that weren't terrible action movie puns.  I loved every deliciously cheesy syllable of it.  In the course of an average person's life they get maybe 2 or 3 chances to deliver a tough guy line.  My few opportunities I totally blew it and said something like, "Hey, I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that," or, "Let's just cool down and talk about this."  Arnold got the chance to do this about twenty times in this movie and totally nailed it every time. 

Another great thing about this movie was Mr. Schwarzenegger's co-stars.  The female lead in this movie was Rae Dawn Chong.  Rae or Rae Dawn of whatever she goes by, is the daughter of Tommy Chong.  It doesn't matter what era you're in or what kind of film you are making, if you have the chance to land a member of the distinguished Chong family of actors, you just do it.  Her role consisted of a lot of screaming and probably some other stuff too.   Also in the film was a young Alyssa Milano, who portrayed Arnold's daughter.  I'm sure we all remember Milano from her hit TV show "Who's the Boss?" and also from such films as "I Sure Wish Who's the Boss? Was Still On the Air" and "Remember When I Was On Who's the Boss?".  Finally, they had Bill Duke (aka the guy with the coolest gun in the movie "Predator").  Although, I am sure many would have preferred that they cast that sweet, sweet mini-gun from the movie "Predator", Duke really held his own in this movie.

They really pulled out all the stops in terms of the action sequences of this movie.  Let's review the checklist shall we?  Jumping out of a taking off airplane - check.  Throwing a dude off a cliff - check.  Blowing the crap out of barracks filled with mercenary soldiers - double check.  Do you like car chases?  "Commando" had two of them.  Do you like sea planes?  That's a stupid question, everyone likes sea planes, and yeah, they had one of those.  Do you like to see mall security guards get their asses handed to them in a 20 on 1 brawl?  That's two stupid questions in a row and by the way, yeah they had that too.  This movie was a medieval joust away from having every kind of action imaginable. 

So as you can see, this was truly one of the all-time great Schwarzenegger action movies.  As with all of the movies that I think are masterpieces, don't look for a lot of great acting, or brilliantly written scripts, or plausible storylines, or even coherent storylines.  That's why we have Cate Blanchett movies. 

A Mall...In The Sky

I just got back from vacation a few weeks ago and had the good fortune of taking a flight to do so.  I don't fly all they time and I got to experience a wonderful thing that you can only get from flying.  No, I'm not talking about the smell of an airplane which is sort of like sweat mixed with the odor of 30 different people's farts.  I'm talking about the Sky Mall catalog.  It's like a regular catalog, but with a Fox attitude (that one's for you Matt).  I love Sky Mall, but I would never order anything from the catalog.  This got me thinking about the kind of person who would.

The main target audience of the Sky Mall catalog is the business person.  A vast majority of the products featured in Sky Mall are for people in sales.  I'm not really sure about how useful some of these products are.  Most of them are just cheap knick knacks with your company's logo printed on them.  I don't have the kind of job that I sell things or listen to sales pitches, but I am pretty sure a light up yo-yo isn't going to make me pay 20% more for a product that is inferior to your competitor's.  Now if you had a plastic harmonica or slide whistle, then we'd be in business. 

I think their ideal customer would be George Clooney's character from the movie "Up In The Air".  He was travelling all of the time for business.  He flew around the country and lived in hotels.  Then a maniac computer hacker took control of a satellite with a laser weapon and it was up to him to save the hostages on the hijacked train.  The movie seemed very disjointed until I remembered that I got bored and switched channels to watch "Under Siege II: Dark Territory".  Classic Seagal.

The next category of Sky Mall customer is the traveller/pet owner.  Whether it's for business or pleasure, if you have to travel and own a pet you probably harbor a ton of pet guilt.  That is why Sky Mall is loaded with products to pamper your pet.  They have dog beds nicer than the one I sleep in and animal clothes made from the finest silks.  I don't know how this is pampering since dogs like to sleep close to feet and HATE wearing clothes.  On the other hand, maybe some of this stuff is for pet haters.  The catalog features kennels, gates, and fences more elaborate than most prisons.  Oddly, they are made from high quality woods that are sanded, stained, and buffed to a high gloss.  So your dog or cat isn't just on "punishment", they are on "fancy punishment".

Everything else in the catalog is just filed under ridiculous.  Some of them are products that nobody in the world would ever need.  For example, does anyone really need a climate controlled cigar humidor...for their bicycle?  The rest of the products boast technologies that I am pretty sure do not even exist yet.  They have a pill that will not only regrow hair, but also help you to remember all 50 states and their capitals.  And they advertise a pillow that always stays cool.  I'm flipping my pillow over every ten minutes like an idiot and the people at Sky Mall are just sitting there laughing at me.  I'm pretty sure that when it comes time to print the new Sky Mall catalog if the don't have enough products to fill the whole thing they just put in things that they dreamt about when they fell asleep watching "Star Trek".

So next time you fly, grab a Sky Mall catalog and leaf through it.  I promise you it will be 3-4 of the more entertaining minutes you will have during your flight.  Then after you land, take the catalog with you.  It's not stealing, it says you can take it right on the front.  Then later in the day, call the toll free number listed.  You don't have to order anything, but I think it would be nice for you to talk to one of the bored and lonely Sky Mall customer service representatives.  Listen politely to all of their stories about their cats, then hang up and go about your business.  A little kindness goes a long way.

This Is Jeopardy!

I was looking over the news headlines about a week ago as I like to do from time to time.  As per my usual headline scanning routine, I ignored to important ones that I should pay attention to to look at ones that are funny or ridiculous.  There was one that caught my eye: "Alex Trebek Chases Suspected Burglar."  My first instinct was that there was no possible way that that could be real.  Much to my delight, it was real.  Unfortunately, Mr. Trebek was injured, but other than that, this story was a gold mine. 

There are a number of ways I could have gone with making fun of the situation, but I decided to go a different route.  I wanted to pay tribute to the super brave Alex Trebek.  Imagine, if you will, that you turned on the television looking for something to watch and you discover a show about Alex Trebek fighting crime.  I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me that would not be the most awesome show ever.  I would call you a liar to your face.  I'm not even talking about Alex Trebek portraying a cop in a show about his character fighting crime.  I mean real life Trebek fighting real life crime.  I guess it would be like the Steven Seagal reality show that he is a cop.  And by cop I mean that by the time he has taken three to four practice tries he finally lifts himself out of the squad car just in time to sign an autograph as the real cops are wrapping things up.

I would be glued to the screen watching him bust scumbags...Trebek style.  You know he wouldn't just arrest you either.  After he has you in cuffs he would use words like "ubiquitous" and "dichotomy" so that the perps would feel like dummies all the way to the slammer.  If this show existed, it would dominate television so thoroughly that there wouldn't need to be other channels.  Even if there were it wouldn't matter.  The closest thing another network could do to compete would be to run the news around the clock.  What's the lead story?  Alex Trebek busts another bad guy.  Weather?  Mostly sunny with a chance of Alex Trebek tossing your ass in jail.  Let's go to Jimbo for sports.  It was a wild day in sports but we ended up with a final score Alex Trebek 100, criminals zip.

I suppose if it had to be a scripted show about Alex Trebek fighting crime that could work too.  First of all you wouldn't need to change the name of the show.  Jeopardy! would totally work for a show like that.  And second, go ahead and lie to me again and tell me that you wouldn't love to see Trebek in a C.S.I. kind of show.  As he rises to his feet after examining a murder victim he says, "I'm sorry you didn't phrase that in the form of a question."  Then he throws on the shades and Roger Daltrey screams, "YEAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  There wouldn't even need to be anything else.  After that scene, just tease next week's episode and run the end credits.  I'd never miss a show. 

Show or not, I know that ever since reading about Alex Trebek I have been sleeping easier.  My dream is the same every night.  Alex Trebek looks at me and says, "The answer is:  Not on my watch big guy."  I buzz in and say, "What is are the bad guys gonna get me Mr. Trebek?"  Then I think we go someplace to get a sandwich of something.  It gets kind of fuzzy after that, but you get the idea.

Coming Soon

I wanted to take this opportunity to apologize for the very sparse posting all summer long.  There is a very complicated explanation involving rising temperatures, vacations, tempermental internet access, and of course bears.  The simple answer is pure unadulerated laziness.  I will get back to writing soon, maybe even tonight.  So as I am sure some of you are on the ledge getting ready to jump because you are jonesin' for some Super Blog! goodness, you can come down.  Among the topics I have plans to write about are:  Global Warming, Blossom: Where Are They Now?, Famous Camels, and a 23 part in depth look at Snooki.  So check back often, they are coming. 

The Greatest Invention Of All Time

Well if your occupation is inventor or entrepreneur, this is indeed a very sad time for you.  Why is it a sad time?  Well because your job has become obsolete.  Why has it become obsolete?  Enough with the questions, I'll just tell you why.  The reason is because the greatest thing ever has been invented so any attempt to invent anything better is a complete waste of time.  I'm sure that by now you know I am talking about Light Headed, the baseball cap with built in lights.

I can't believe that in all of the time that we have been on this planet a hat like this has not been invented.  How did they even come up with the idea for something so great?

Oh yeah, coal miner's hats.  But those haven't been around that long right?

Oh, they've been around since before electricity?  But those are so big and bulky, nothing exists that is lightweight and built for speed.

Fair enough, but you can't get a baseball cap that has a really stupid phrase on it.

You got me again.  Nevermind inventors, keep inventing away.

Inspirational Quotations, Musings, And Lines From Star Wars

As you get older you find that sometimes you need a little bit of a boost.  The drudgery of daily routine can put you into a bit of a funk and it is important to find your way out of it quickly.  One way to do this taking an hour and locking yourself in the basement or garage and releasing all of your stress and aggression on a piñata that looks like Tobey Maguire.  Why Tobey Maguire?  He knows...he knows.  Another less violent (and arguably less fun) way is to uplift yourself with an inspirational quote.  Here are a few that have gotten me through the grind over the years.  I have also included some that I thought of myself.  And by that I mean weird things that popped into my head after eating spicy meat late at night.

I intend to live forever.  So far so good.

- Steven Wright

 

That's not a knife.  Now THAT's a knife.

- Mick "Crocodile" Dundee 

I'll have a large with pepperoni and an order of garlic parm wings...15 minutes?  No Problem.
- Me (not as much inspirational as it is me ordering pizza and wings)

Traveling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, farm boy! Ever try navigating a jump? Well, it's no mean trick. Without precise calculations we could fly right through a star, or bounce too close to a black hole; that'd end your trip real quick, wouldn't it?
- Han Solo

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

Nine million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister.
- John McClane

If life gives you lemons they say you should make lemonade.  My question is what kind of psycho goes door to door handing out lemons?
- Me

Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.
- Anonymous

Sick have I become, old and weak... When nine hundred years old *you* reach, look as good *you* will not, hmm?
- Yoda

Life comes at you fast so you have to move fast.  But stop and take time to enjoy the little things...like Better Cheddars...damn those are tasty.
- Me

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work.
- Silent Bob

And by that I mean weird things that popped into my head after eating spicy meat late at night.
- Me (from the first paragraph of this blog....pay attention!)

So there you have it, tiny little lessons to get you through it.  As I look over this list of infinite knowledge I can't help but think that the Tobey Maguire piñata is a much better idea after all.

Profiles In Cinematic Greatness: Maximum Overdrive

The focus of today's profile is the 1986 masterpiece titled "Maximum Overdrive".  It was the directorial debut and final directed film of a man named Stephen King.  The movie was based on a short story written by a man also named Stephen King.  Whether or not they are related is uncertain.  The movie stars the actress Yeardley Smith who, these days, is more often heard and not seen because she is the voice of Lisa Simpson.  The move also stars a young Emilio Estevez who, these days, is neither heard nor seen.  Seriously, where did he go?

So the basic story of this movie was that our planet passed through the tail of a mysterious comet and some machines came to life and turned against the human race.  The film's main focus was on the workers and patrons of "Dixie Boy", a southern truck stop.  Here are some of the things that I felt made this movie great.

This was a serious low-budget movie.  The best part about it is that they embraced the cheesiness of a low-budget movie and totally rolled with it.  There were two scenes that would have easily racked up a sizable special effects budget that they replaced with title cards that just explained what was going on.  To cut some the the vehicle smashing cost they set the movie in the south.  That way they could use old cars that were held together with duct tape and coat hangers and they wouldn't look out of place.

The soundtrack of this film was provided by the Australian rock band AC/DC.   This is a genius choice for a couple of reasons.  The movie is about trucks that come to life and attack humans.  That is what almost all of AC/DC's songs are about anyways so it fits perfectly.  The other reason this is a great choice is that the score of a film has to have some continuity throughout the film using songs with similar musical arrangements to convey different moods.  I'm pretty sure AC/DC is an anagram that stands for all of our songs sound exactly the same.

The final thing that made this a film for the ages was the brilliant character actor Emilio Estevez.  How they even got a big time movie star for such a small film remains a mystery to this day.  My theory is that he was a big star, but he wasn't "Mighty Ducks" big yet.  If this movie had been made ten years later after the Ducks trilogy there would have been no possible way he would be in this movie.  For a real treat listen to his southern accent throughout the film.  It goes from "good 'ol boy" to "I've never even heard of grits" and makes every stop in between.

So here's the deal, this movie is total B-movie cheese.  What separates it from the total crap ones is its watchability.  If you are a fan of the cheesy horror that doesn't take itself even a little seriously genre this movie is totally for you.  If you are not a fan of this genre then maybe go rent whatever movie Kate Hudson just made and never invite me over for movie night.

Lift The Lockout

Whether you are a casual or hardcore fan of football you are probably aware of the lockout.  The owners have banned players from facilities, teams cannot officially meet or practice, and much more legal mumbo jumbo.  The lockout has raised many questions about not only the upcoming season, but about the future of the NFL.  Will there be a 2011 season?  Why should we support a sport that has millionaires bickering with billionaires about money?  If there is no season does that technically mean the Cleveland Browns are in a 32-way tie for first place and should go ahead and build a trophy case? 

The general consensus about the lockout is that it is all about money.  Both owners and players want more of it and they want the other party to have less of it.  While this is primarily the truth, it turns out that both sides have other sticking points that they just won't budge on.  Today I will share some of these with you.

What The Players Want

- Seek to eliminate the remaining 2% of commercials that air during NFL broadcasts that do not feature Peyton Manning.
- Want their ICY/HOT to be slightly icier and just a little less hot.
- Want healthcare to include treatment for locker room towel snapping injuries.
- Uniforms that don't make their asses look fat.
- Structured pay scale system that would pay them for each Twitter post.
- Roster spot for a gypsy to protect players from "The Madden Cover Curse".
- If the season is to be increased by two games instead of playing football games the winner would be determined by a double elimination darts tourney.

What The Owners Want

- Head of the line privileges for all stadium hot dog concessions with an additional no questions asked policy about spicy brown mustard usage.
- Use of the football fields on non-football days for laser tag matches with other owners.
- Want to be permitted to shower with the players after games. 
- Instead of stricter league policy regarding protecting players with concussions teams must use only players with concussions.
- After a three week waiting period any unclaimed item in the stadium lost and found becomes property of the owner.
- More stringent testing and harsher punishments for performance enhancing drugs for players.  Mascots not so much.

So who knows if an agreement can be reached between players and owners before the NFL season starts.  And if the season does start on time will fans be left soured on the sport of football.  I do know one thing that both parties can agree upon is that Fergie is not to be invited back for another Super Bowl halftime show.

Just Because

So today is a crappy weather Monday and those types of days have on occasion brought me down.  It is not always a Monday or crappy weather that puts me in a funk, but I do get there sometimes.  No matter how I get to that place there is one sure fire thing that will always, and I mean always, put me in a better mood.  I thought about keeping this magical wonder cure to myself but decided to share it with my closest friends (and complete strangers who stumble upon this blog randomly).

Feast your eyes on the magic that is Leonard Nimoy singing about Bilbo Baggins.

If you are not happy after seeing this then I am sorry my friend, but your heart is made of pure stone.  Wait, I know what the problem is, you aren't a Spock person.  Well if that is that case I have just the thing for you.

Those are two sure-fire mood fixers.  If they don't do the trick then all I can say is that you are a robot.  So enjoy your Monday and I hope these put a smile on your face.  Besides, it's not like Tuesdays are a whole hell of a lot better.

I'm With The Band

I've never been in a band unless you count back in junior high when I pretended to play the trombone for the marching band.  And no, that is not a euphemism for anything, I literally pretended to play the trombone.  That is a story for another time.  What I am getting at is that I would love to be in a band, lots of bands actually, but not in the way you would think.

Sure, the obvious choice for being in a band would be to play an instrument or sing.  I have no desire to do either of these things.  My only proficiency in playing a musical instrument is cowbell and even that I am told I am amateur at best.  My singing voice is really only suited for polka so that would be extremely limiting.  Yes, there are other "members" of bands such as roadies or tour bus driver, but those positions have the sex appeal of stuck to the underside of table gum.  I have my sights set on the position of band namer.

I've already discussed my musical ability and when it comes to band promotion you would be on your own.  Where I come in is at the point when all the members are assembled and you are ready to book a gig.  Up to that point my area of expertise would not be needed as all bands then are named "Losers In A Garage".  Once you are ready to perform for people that aren't your 12 year old sister and your 12 year old sister's two awkward friends you need a name.  You need a cool name.  That's where I come in.  Here is just a sampling of my genius when it comes to naming bands.

Mail Order Sombrero
Table For Won
Rick
Sexy For My Cat (Right Said Fred tribute bands only)
The Sleets
Able-Bodied Toddler
Gordon Bellamy and The Alliance (need to be named Gordon Bellamy or willing to legally change name to Gordon Bellamy)
YellowLoveMonkey
Rhymes With Pants
PB&J With The Crusts Left On
Nixon's Mustache
Meatbelt

Any one of these gems would guarantee a packed house if they were pasted up on the marquee of a venue.  And guess what?  There are plenty more where those came from.  It's as simple as looking around my room and saying the first thing I see (and yes, there is a meatbelt in my room, it's a prototype).  There might be some of you out there that say, "That is already my band's name."  Well I can only say one thing to that, "What are you doing in my mind?"  Others may say, "My band already has a cool name, I don't need you or your stupid band names."  My response would of course be, "Fair enough, The Rolling Stones is a pretty cool name, but you don't have to be so mean about it Mr. Jagger."

So I will sit by the phone and await your calls unnamed bands.  When you are ready to have thousands of fans chanting things like "Hamburger, Inc.", "Unscratched Itch", or "Millionaire Hobo" as you take the stage, I will be here for you.

Done, Done, On To The Next One

In light of the recent news of last night I am going to switch gears and take a little break from my usual nonsense.  Don't worry, give me a few days and I will be back to writing about junk food and 80's movies.  Today I wanted to comment on the death of Osama Bin Laden.

I was right in the middle of my normal Sunday night routine of wasting time looking at Facebook and half listening to the TV that was on for background noise.  Suddenly I heard a phrase that I was not expecting to hear last night or really any other night, "Osama Bin Laden is dead."  I'm sure many of you had the same reaction that I did when I just stared at the TV for a minute with my mouth hanging open.  It had been so long, I couldn't believe it finally happened.  I was captivated, I couldn't take my eyes off of the television screen.  This was in small part because of Wolf Blitzer's breathtaking beard, but primarily because of the words coming out of his mouth.

So many things have happened in the almost ten years since 9/11.  Our thoughts have moved on to other more trivial  things like Charlie Sheen and Snooki.  Many of us were probably unsure of whether or not we were even still looking for Bin Laden.  Personally I thought he probably died a few years ago and it was covered up by his people "Weekend at Bernie's" style.  Who knows if the grainy cheap camcorder images of him were shot now or 20 years ago.  But all doubts about the efforts of our military and intelligence were finally put to rest when the announcement was made yesterday evening that he was dead. 

So what does this mean?  It certainly doesn't mean that the game is over and we can let our guard down.  There is still work to do.  I am quite certain that the terrorist organizations have had plans in place for his death for awhile.  I imagine whoever is right below him on the scumbag org chart just moves up a spot.  That does not diminish the importance of Bin Laden's demise.  I think it is a message to other evildoers that no matter how much time passes, you are never off the hook.  So if you want to mess with us, we're going to get you.  It may not be today or tomorrow.  You may have to endure a decade of sleeping with one eye open.  But it will happen. 

The other positive thing is that I feel like there is some nostalgia going on for that post 9/11 unity that we had in this country.  For example, last night when the news was breaking, there was a Phillies/Mets baseball game going on.  It was the 9th inning and the score was 1 to 1 (9/11....crazy right?).  Now the divisional rivalry between the Phillies and the Mets isn't quite Yankees/Red Sox or Rocky/Mr T, but it can get nasty at times.  Fans of both teams chanted in unison, "U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!"  I hope we can hold onto this feeling longer than we did last time. 

So today take a second and be thankful that the world got just a little bit safer yesterday.  If you see a current or former member of our armed services take a second to stop and say, "Thank you."  Or it would be even better if when you saw them you bought them a beer or a sandwich to say thank you.  Either way let them know you appreciate everything they have done.  God bless America.

Travel Do's And Don'ts

There comes a time in every person's life when they must leave the confines of their house, apartment, hut, '78 El Camino, or what have you.  I am, of course, talking about travel.  This is done for a variety of reasons such as a vacation or model railroad enthusiast convention (not for the faint of heart, believe you me).  Here are a few tips when you find yourself out of the house and flying the friendly skies.  Yes, these tips will only apply to air travel (unless your car is awesome).  Road trips will be covered at a later date (date to be determined by my procrastination).

DO allow yourself extra time at the airport so that you can make your flight.  That's just good sense.
DON'T allow so much extra time that people think you are living at the airport like in that awful Tom Hanks movie.

DO pack light.  The less you pack the less there is for baggage handlers to rummage through.
DON'T skimp on the underpants when packing light.  Here's a handy equation to determine the number of pairs needed:  U = D + 2 where U is the number of pairs of underpants and D is the number of days in your trip.  Why the + 2?  Simply because there is nothing quite like a fresh pair of underpants.  You probably thought I was going to go gross there, but I didn't.  You're welcome.

DO stop at the duty free and purchase a massive Toblerone candy bar.  You never know when the foundation to your home will need a little shoring up.
DON'T gloat that you didn't pay duty every time you pour your friends a shot from your 3 gallon jug of Absolut vodka.  Nobody likes a bragger.

DO inform friends and loved ones that you have arrived at your destination safely.  It is the courteous thing to do.
DON'T update Facebook and Twitter at every stage of travel.  Going through security.  Plane is taking off.  Air Marshal is tasering me because I refuse to turn off my electronic device.  Almost done with my overly thorough cavity search, etc.

DO your homework before you visit a new place.  When you wait until you arrive and ask for travel advice from a cab driver with whom you share an obvious language barrier you can't get angry when they take you to a back alley unsanctioned chess tournament.
DON'T eat a bunch of Taco Bell Gorditas and call it doing your homework before going to Mexico for the 1st time (feel free to insert your own joke with the "authentic" ethnic eatery of your choice).

DO store your carry on items in the overhead compartments.
DON'T store your carry on items in the overhead compartment above my seat.  It is my overhead compartment and if any of the 38 collectible kitten figurines that I will not travel without are damaged from you jamming an oversized bag in next to mine, I WILL cut you.

So if you want to have a fantastic, worry free trip, make sure to take note of the tips provided.  Or don't, and have a crappy trip.  Your call.